


Three months of music

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Blogging, Cancer, Character Death, Deathfic, Drama, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Narry - Freeform, Sad, larry stylinson - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-14
Updated: 2012-12-30
Packaged: 2017-11-21 03:39:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 51,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/593020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry is an ordinary 21 year old guy. He works in an office and have long since given up his dreams of music. One day he begins to read a blog, written by the 24-year old musician Louis Tomlinson. It turns out that this Louis, so dazzlingly beautiful with crinkles around his eyes, have cancer. Harry flips out over this man he doesn't even know and he decides to contact him and that changes his life forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm reuploading this because I accidently messed up the chapters. I will make everything right now. I'm so sorry for the inconvenience!
> 
> This chapter contains a very explicit Narry sex scen at the end, you have been warned!
> 
> Story notes: Please remember that English is not my native language so I'm really sorry if there are any grammar errors or spelling errors.

**I.**

It was an ordinary day for Harry Styles at the office. It was seven o'clock in the morning and soon the work stress would begin even though the sun just gone up. Harry already felt a strong desire for his first break. He leaned backwards in his chair while he chewed lightly on his mint gum. He caught himself thinking that this was what he had wanted to work with when he had been around 10-12 years old. He had dreamt about standing on a stage and sing for several thousand people, he had dreamt of reaching out to people with his music but in the end it hadn’t turn out that way. However, he had actually tried his luck by attending to the English X-factor at age 16, but he hadn’t gone through Boot Camp. The judges had said that he needed to get a more steady voice and that he could come back in two years again.

Harry had become so disheartened he had never been on stage since then, nor had he continued with his singing, so he assumed he had lost his singing ability. Harry sighed heavily to his memories; he drew his hand over his face and stared at the black Mickey Mouse clock that stood next to his computer monitor. Mickey's white hands told Harry that it had only been five minutes since he last looked at it.

" _Only 9 hours left..._ " Harry thought gloomily and swallowed a bored yawn. He had actually wondered several times if he would break the ice and change jobs, or at least try to get a raise, but it had not happened yet; he had thought the same thoughts for six years now, but he had never mustered enough courage to get it done, also he did not know what else to work with if not in an office.

Harry sighed again and pressed the start button to the computer. While the computer started, he pondered whether he would ask Niall if they could not go to their favorite pub 'The Burned Goose’ tonight. Sure, it was middle of the week, a Wednesday to be exact but Harry really had no desire to spend the evening alone in boredom and Niall was always on to go out if there was a beer as bait.   
Harry picked up his iPhone from his pocket and began to write a text message to Niall, when he was finished with writing, the computer had finally come to the login screen and Harry entered his username and password. Now he would just have to wait five minutes for the computer to come to the home screen.

 Harry was actually very happy that he had such a tenacious computer, it always took about ten minutes to start, and if he had not imagined; it was actually getting slower by each day, and Harry could not resist being a bit childish and think that “the slower it is, the less I need to work”.   
His phone vibrated suddenly in Harry's pocket, and he immediately took it up to see who he has received message from.

**Message**

_Niall: Hey Harry! Are you doing well? Of course I want to go out of a pint! I guess you’re asking me this because you don’t want to be alone for another night… :P 6 PM outside the TBG?_

Harry smiled to himself at Nialls answer; he was always so playful even in his texts, though it hurt a little when he read:   
“ _I guess you’re asking me this because you don’t want to be alone for another night…:P_ "   
  
Niall knew him too well and he knew how much Harry hated to be alone, but what did he have for a choice when he never found someone he wanted to spend his days with? Furthermore, Harry was lousy at dating even though he was good at flirting. The few times he actually flirted had just turned into one night stands and he was not the type of person who only wanted to have sex, he was more of a hugging and nice words person. Harry replied to the text message before he put down the phone in his pocket, the computer had come to the home screen and Harry must start working.

Three hours later, at half past eleven it was time for lunch. Harry stretched his body and his back snapped in return, he got up from the chair to go down to the lunch room. As he went down the stairs he wondered if Niall had met someone and if he put away time of his evening with his girlfriend for Harry's sake. It made him feel guilty and consider whether they should cancel their evening together or not. He sighed and sat down at the lunch table with his lunch box which consisted of scrambled eggs and bacon, he had not managed to cook anything more exciting last night and he had also gone to bed way too late. He began to eat the food while he eavesdropped on some of his colleagues' lunch conversation.

"Have you seen this blog?” asked Olivia Alice, the two sat next to each other in the office. Alice leaned towards Olivia's phone and squinted to see the text better.

"No, what is this blog?" Alice asked as her gaze went between Olivia and the phone screen.

"The blog is written by a former musician named Louis. He is 24 years old and lives somewhere here in London. Previously, he wrote about his life in the music business, I have been following his journey from being a troubadour singing in pubs to becoming famous, but then he became ill with cancer and has been in and out of the hospital the last two years, " Olivia explained objectively, Harry pricked up his ears when he heard her say the word "musician".

"Louis? You mean  _the_  Louis?" Alice replied wide-eyed, her mouth was shaped into a small “o” to soon disappear and turn into a straight line instead. Olivia nodded frantically.

"Yes, Louis!"

"But ... W-huh?" Alice exclaimed shocked. "Have Louis cancer? Why haven’t I heard about this?" she said with a troubled voice and waved with her arms.

"I don’t know why you haven’t heard of it but it’s true! Here is the link! ", said Olivia with commitment and scrabbled down the link to Louis blog on a torn piece of a napkin.

"Thank you!" Alice strutted happily away with the note in one if her hands to fetch coffee.

Harry was considering whether he should ask Olivia if the address of the blog or not, it felt uncool to ask about a blog address because it were almost exclusively girls who were interested to read blogs about other people's lives. He bit his lip and cursed at his cowardice, there was something about this musician's blog that had aroused his interest and he wanted to know more about Louis.

_Fuck this_ , Harry thought, and got up from his chair, he went to Olivia with a wry smile.

"I heard what you were talking about that Louis blog. Could I get the address?”, brief but useful things, Harry thought with satisfaction. Olivia observed Harry with raised eyebrows a few seconds before she smiled vaguely.

"Of course. I didn’t know you read blogs?", she said questioningly as she hastily wrote down the address on a different piece of a torn tissue. The break was almost over. Harry pulled his hand quickly through his hair, a bad habit when he was embarrassed, and laughed nervously.   
 _Why am I so nervous? Be proud, instead you dork_ , he thought irritably before he answered.

"Naah, well I have never read blogs before but I have heard of Louis, and I think his music is quite okay, but I didn’t know he had a blog so it would be nice to read it," said Harry, his mouth went like a steamroller and all he said was lies. He had never heard of Louis until a few minutes ago and he had never been interested in reading a blog in his whole 21 year long life until now.

"Ah, I see", Olivia handed him the napkin bit and he crumpled it into his pocket. He could hardly wait until he was home and able to sit in front of his computer.

\------

Mickey Mouse's white hands were pointing at 16 o'clock and it was finally time for Harry to go home, he packed his things in the speed of light and hurried out of the building and out the underground to find the nearest tube home. A tube would go home in about 3 minutes, and Harry could barely contain himself, he picked up his phone from his pocket and looked at it.

**Message:**

_Niall: Wolfy, let's pick up some hotties today and take them home to you?! It would be nice!_

Harry grinned widely at Nialls message, he felt glad that it seemed that Niall didn’t have a girlfriend yet which meant that he didn’t need to feel guilty for the evening, but instead he could only enjoy it in Niall’s company. Moreover, he hadn’t been this excited about something in a long time. He longed until he came home, this would be a fun evening for once. The tube came driving and stopped at the station, Harry walked faster and came just in time before the doors closed.

~

Harry sank down on his black computer chair with a low thud, his fingers shaking when he wrote the address of the blog in the address bar. His heart throbbed violently and his mouth went dry as he came in on the blog.   
 _Why do I react like this over something like this?_  Harry thought confused as he took a deep breath. He clicked on the column "about me" and was referred to another part of the blog. There was a large black and white picture of Louis with a guitar in his hands, he smiled at the camera, his white teeth sparkled and his eyes glowed with life. Harry's heart jumped when he saw Louis, he was the most beautiful man Harry had ever laid his eyes on. Harry swallowed hard and scrolled down to read the text that was underneath the picture.

**Hello lovely, welcome to my blog.**

**My name is Louis William Tomlinson and I am 24 years old. Since childhood I have always loved music, my biggest inspiration and influence to my own music is the band The Fray and I admit that I've liked them since I was a teenager. I started my music career in 2008, at the beginning I went around like a troubadour and entertainer at various pubs but then I extended my views and began touring with various bands only to finally have own music career after a while. I've loved every second of my career and I'm glad I got to experience as much as I wanted, however, my was dream shattered into a thousand pieces March 8, 2010. That was the day I was diagnosed with cancer, the malignant one. Since then, I have been struggling for two years with my disease, and I'm not giving up yet.**

**I want to thank everyone who reads my blog and all of you who have followed me since I started my career, without you I would not be who I am today. Thank you!**

**Much love - Louis.**

Harry felt his heart sank deep in the chest when he read the post.

_Diagnosed with cancer, the malignant one._   _Diagnosed with cancer, the malignant one_ , echoed in Harry's head, his mouth became drier no matter how many times he swallowed. Some tears burned in his eyes, he clicked away "about me" and clicked in to the last post that had been written today, at 14:32.

**Title: _I see a storm approaching_**

**My thoughts weigh heavily in my head. Thoughts about life and about my future. Thoughts on my potential future children and thoughts on my potential wife or husband. Thoughts about my tomorrow and the day after. Thoughts about death, about my childhood and how I turned out as a person in the end. Life is a heavy burden, I have learned that I should not take things for granted, but still be able to live your life to the fullest, life is a thing we take for granted and I will probably not get a chance to grow old and see my children grow up. I probably will not get to hold my child's hand and kiss its forehead good night and whisper how much I love it. I will not get to see into my beloved's eyes and whisper "what a beautiful life we've had." There is so much I want to do, but time does not permit, life is not enough and it hurts so much.**

**\- Posted by Louis**

Harry stared blankly at the screen, he could feel the pain welling up inside him and slowly forming into a hard lump that nailed itself firmly in his chest. He had never felt this much compassion for someone before. The words that he had read was  _painful_ , it was as if he could feel Louis pain through the computer screen. He drew a quivering sigh, and discovered that he had a lump of sadness in his throat; he cleared his throat and rubbed away the tears that burned in his eyes.

_Why do I feel so much for someone I don’t know? It's crazy_ , he thought in surprise as he stood up from his chair to make himself prepared for the evening at "The Burned Goose". He promised himself that he'd read more of the blog later when he was home again.

-

"Niall, you have to start reading Louis Tomlinson blog!” urged Harry when they had sat down at one of the small tables inside "The Burned Goose". The air was muggy and hot, people talked and laughed, the atmosphere was cozy and warm. Soon a local famous troubadour started playing and Harry immediately thought of Louis.

"Louis Tomlinson?" Niall said uninterested with a raised, blond eyebrow before he took a sip of his pint. "Who is that?"

"Haven’t you heard of him? Louis Tomlinson is his name” Harry repeated with a smile, he fingered on his beer glass while he kept his eyes fixed on Niall’s blue eyes.   
  
Niall drank a few sips of his pint before he answered.

"No, I've never heard of him. Who is it?"

Harry smiled weakly.

"Louis is a fairly well-known singer, previously his blog was about his life as a musician, but now it's something entirely different. He got cancer two years ago, and now he writes about his fight against the disease instead", said Harry enthusiastically, he really wanted Niall to start reading the blog, and he also hoped that Niall would be as moved as he himself had been.

Niall looked at Harry with a raised eyebrow; a smirk graced his pale face. Harry caught himself to find that Niall was very beautiful tonight with his tousled blond hair and ice blue eyes. His bang was styled so that it lay across the forehead in a stylish back slick, the clothes Niall were dressed in was simple but they were still looking very nice over his muscular yet slender body. Harry licked his lips; he felt he had been hard down  _there_ because of looking at Niall.

_What happened to me?_ , he thought as he tried to sit comfortably without feeling uncomfortable between his legs. Niall was still looking at him with irritable eyes.

"I didn’t know you read blogs, Harry," he grinned teasingly and took another sip of his pint. Harry cleared his throat.

"I didn’t really myself but this blog is really something extraordinary. Louis writes with such feeling, you can feel it through your computer screen." Harry was surprised at what he said; he had so far only read a single post.

"So it tells you ..." Niall grinned still with a raised eyebrow. He leaned back in his chair with his hand on his stomach; he licked his lips slowly as he looked around the pub.

 Harry felt his erection hardening even more when he saw Nialls pink little tongue tip, it was getting crowded and uncomfortable in his pants. He kept trying to sit as comfortable as possible, but it just got worse. Luckily, Niall seemed to not notice anything; he just sat quietly and looked around in the pub, sometimes he hummed along with the troubadour’s singing. His gaze went from table to table until it stopped at Harry's.

Harry looked questioningly at Niall with a smile.

"What?” he asked.

"I've seen some good looking girls there." Niall pointed to two brunettes who sat on stools, one of them was talking to the bartender. She wore a tight red dress with V-neckline. Harry thought she looked good but he would prefer to do something with Niall, but he was unsure if Niall really wanted to do something like that with him. They had never had that kind of relationship and he didn’t know if Niall wanted to start such kind of relationship now.

"Shall we go there?” Niall grinned tentative and nodded his head at the girls.

Harry hesitated, he knew from experience that he would get one of the girls in bed within an hour but he wasn’t keen on it. The only thing he was really hungry for tonight was Niall’s bony body against his.

"Well, I don’t know. I’m not craving for it”, Harry said softly, he leaned backwards in his chair and drank some of his beer.

Niall looked disappointed at him, his lips began to bulge a bit and Harry almost drooled over how soft they looked, he guessed that they were as soft as candy mushrooms and tasted just as sweet.

"Why not? Stop being so boring Wolfy!" Niall sighed disappointed; he twisted impatiently in his chair.

"No, I have no desire to fuck tonight," Harry admitted easily.

"No one said you have to fuck them Harold, we can just hang out and talk with them. Come on now!" Niall tried, he poked at Harry's feet with his own foot.

Harry looked uncertainly at Niall.

"No, I don’t know."

Niall sighed, now clearly irritated.

"You're so fucking boring, you know that?" he hissed angrily, he got up and went to the girls alone. Harry sat on the chair, visibly frustrated in his desperate situation. He considered going off to the toilets to get rid of it, but instead he thought he would wait to Niall would be ready with his mingling, he knew it wouldn’t go that good for Niall when he flirted alone without Harry.

An hour passed and Niall was still there with the girls. Harry was considering whether he would actually go there when Niall suddenly walked away from the girls and sat down opposite Harry.

"Was luck on your side?" Harry grinned mischievously and Niall shot off an angry, blazing eye in his direction.

"No."

"What then? Did you show off your strengths?" Harry teased childishly.

Niall sighed, clearly annoyed and shook his head without answering with words. He quickly drank of a wine bottle that had come out of nowhere.

"Can I get some of that?" Harry asked, pointing to the wine bottle. Niall nodded and poured the wine into Harry's now empty glass. Harry grabbed hold of the glass and began to drink the red liquid with loud gulps.

  Eventually the world became a bit more blurry and Harry felt even hotter throughout his body, the heat radiated from his stomach and out of each part of his body. He noticed how Niall began to feel the same when he suddenly got up and stood behind Harry.

"You want to dance? I don’t care if people will think I'm gay. I still have no luck with girls so I might as well act gay," he sighed irritably close to Harry's neck. Goosebumps spread over Harry's arms when he felt Nialls hot breath wafting against his sensitive skin.

"Sure," said Harry breathlessly and rose somewhat unsteady from his chair. Niall laughed when he swerved, they staggered out to the dance floor and were sucked into pure euphoria.

~

"You don’t want to come home with me then?" Harry asked somewhat unclear when they had moved from the dance floor. They stood outside the pub in the cold November air.   
Niall had lit a cigarette, he puffed out smoke like a dragon - it seemed that he enjoyed the nicotine.

"Aren’t you working tomorrow?" Niall asked between the puffs, he wobbled a bit as he stood.

"Yeah but I figured I can pretend to be sick," grinned Harry, though he wobbled a little on the spot.

Niall’s blue eyes locked Harry's green and he nodded and stubbed out the cigarette with his foot.

"Sure, it's getting pretty late and I don’t have the energy to take the tube home."

"Good, then we go home to me then," Harry smiled happily. He lived only a few blocks away from 'The Burned Goose'.

~

As soon as they come through the door, Harry grabbed hold of Niall’s collar and pushed him up against the wall in a hard kiss, he couldn’t wait any longer and the alcohol in his blood had made everything much worse. Niall struggled at first, but when Harry had kissed him for a while he calmed down and replied the kiss. Harry pressed his crotch hard against Nialls thighs, he was desperate for contact after holding in for so long, Niall responded by biting teasingly in Harry's bottom lip while he dug his hand into Harry's jungle of hair. Harry gasped when he felt Nialls fingers dig through his hair, chills spread down his spine. Niall suddenly broke the kiss for air and Harry let go of his collar.

"Bed?" Harry asked breathlessly, his heart raced in his chest because of the excitement and anticipation. Niall nodded directly without answering and Harry took a tight grip of his hand and led him to his bedroom.

  Once there, Harry pushed Niall down on the bed without warning and quickly began stripping his clothes, Niall just lay still and watched as Harry undressed him. When Niall was undressed Harry lay down next to him and pulled his slightly smaller body next to him.

"Undress me," he ordered in Niall’s ear and Niall straddled Harry, he leaned forward and began unbuttoning the buttons with long, bony fingers.

Harry carefully looked at Niall when he stripped off his clothes, he looked at how the muscles in Niall’s arms worked to unbutton each button with ease, and he looked at how Niall’s back moved when he worked his way down button for button. Oh, he wanted him  _now_. Niall pulled down the super tight jeans and threw away all the clothes on the floor before he lay down over Harry with his hard penis pressed against Harry's.

"Niall... Can you imagine... giving me a blowjob?" Harry asked tentatively, he blushed slightly at the thought of his best friend's mouth around him but right now he wanted nothing more.

"We already do this so why not," Niall grinned teasingly. He slowly went down to Harry's bulging underpants and pulled them down with his mouth and two index fingers. Harry took a deep breath and his abdominal muscles tensed in anticipation. Niall pulled off Harry's underwear completely, although they ended up on the floor. Harry took a firm grip on his now free erection and began stroking it slowly himself, small moans flew out of his mouth. He brought the other hand down to his crotch and massaged his balls while he jerked himself. He closed his eyes and gradually picked up the speed. Niall licked his lips at the sight and he also began to jack himself through his underwear. He began to breathe faster close to Harry's penis which caused Harry to moan, his hips arched against Nialls face.

"Ah! Niall please!” Harry pleaded desperately and Niall could not resist his pleading, he leaned down to Harry's cock and took in as much of it as he could. Harry pulled hard for breath when he felt Nialls warm mouth around him.

 "You're so hot!" Harry groaned loudly, his fingers grabbed Nialls hair which caused Niall to suck a little harder. Harry groaned again and Niall began to lick around the top while he massaged Harry's balls.

 "Ah Niall! I'm close!" Harry groaned loudly, his grip tightened on Nialls hair and Niall sucked harder as he moved his head back and forth around Harry's penis, faster and faster every second. Harry felt his buttocks tightening when he came to his final; he yelled out a loud "ah!" before he spurted in Nialls mouth, surprisingly Niall swallowed everything without problems.

 Harry sat up and looked at Niall with wondering eyes and a shy smile.

"Thanks... I needed that..." Harry said embarrassed, he hardly dared to look at Niall.

Niall smiled widely at him and wiped around his mouth with a napkin. His blue eyes sparkled, and Harry knew that he really wanted to continue, he wanted to thrust into Niall and make him scream in ecstasy, the idea made blood rushing down to his crotch again.

"I noticed that you needed it, I have never been that hard," Niall grinned teasingly and licked around his lips. Harry looked longingly at his pink tongue tip while he felt a pulsating in his stomach.

"By the way, I didn’t know you got turned on by men? And especially not on me,” added the Irish man, his eyes loose with teasing. Harry laughed nervously and nodded.

"I didn’t even know myself, you know," he admitted with a nervous smile.

  Niall grinned in reply before he suddenly leaned over Harry and looked at him with a dominant gaze.

"You're hungry for more, I see..." he breathed hot against Harry's cheek, his eyes slowly drifted down to Harry's throbbing crotch.

"Y-yes, sorry, but you're so damn good looking so it's hard not to be hungry for you." Harry felt his cheeks burning with red, but he spoke the truth and stood for it. Niall laughed suddenly and looked at Harry with glittering blue eyes.

"Thank you, you're not so bad you either," he grinned before he placed his long fingers around Harry's hard on. Harry let out a high pitched whine when he felt Nialls fingers around him; he couldn’t understand when he had become so sensitive to these things.

"You're really hard..." Niall murmured fascinated as he began to move his hand slowly, Harry squirmed longingly to Nialls hand while he moaned again and again. The feeling of having Niall’s steady hand around him was amazing and suddenly Harry realized that he had longed for this for a while, to have a night like this with Niall.

  Niall pushed his hard crotch against Harry's thigh while he increased the pace of his hand, he breathed heavily into Harry's ear, and Harry groaned loudly in response.

"You are so hot when you moan like that..." Niall mumbled with a rough voice, Harry felt the Irish just becoming harder against his thigh for each move he made with his hand.

"It feel so good Niall," Harry murmured and Niall moaned lightly in response, he leaned closer to Harry's ear and started nibbling and sucking on Harry's ear lobe which caused Harry to moan and groan even louder. Niall touched the tip of Harry's penis with his thumb, it was already covered with pre-cum and Niall felt how he wanted to suck Harry again.

"I will make you scream my name tonight," Niall murmured sensually while he struggled out of his underpants. When his underwear was on the floor, Niall placed his hands on Harry's thighs and moved them aside to make room for himself. He lay down between Harry's legs and brought Harry once more into his mouth, the whole of this time. Harry groaned a loud "ah!" and wiggled his hips; he pushed up in front of Niall’s palate, which made him groan louder. Niall sucked harder on Harry and grabbed his balls with one hand, his head bobbing rhythmically up and down.

"Ah Niall, you are so good! Continue!” Harry urged.

  Niall moved one hand from the sack and up to Harry's nipples. He grabbed one of his nipples with his index finger and thumb and massaged it until it stiffened.

"Ahh ahh, Niall, fuck..." Harry moaned frantically, he was already close to coming.

Niall sucked at the same time as his tongue licked quickly around the head, he pinched Harry’s stiffen nipple and with a scream Harry came hard in Nialls mouth. Niall swallowed it all again without nauseating, when he was finished, he positioned himself over Harry with his elbows as support and moved around Harry's hole with the tip of his penis.

"I know you want me..." Niall grinned confidently; he still had a little white around his mouth. Harry leaned to his face and kissed him on the mouth.

"Yes, take me..." he moaned and licked Nialls jaw line. Niall groaned softly when he felt Harry's wet tongue against his skin.

"If I'm going to do that you have to wet me first," ordered Niall, he moved away from Harry to lie down beside him instead.

  Harry sat up and grabbed hold of Nialls hips and forced him down on the bed, he lay down between Niall’s legs and took Niall immediately in the mouth. Niall pushed himself up into Harry's mouth and moaned in pleasure. Harry groaned too, the moan created vibrations against Niall’s hard on and it caused him to push himself even harder into Harry's mouth. Harry took hold of the end of Nialls penis and sucked at the wet head with his lips, he sucked and licked as if it were a lollipop he had in his mouth, a lollipop with the taste of salt. Niall gasped for breath, white stars danced before his eyes, it burned in his belly of desire.

Harry released him suddenly and lay down beside him with a thud.

"Now you're wet enough," he whispered with a hot voice and Niall looked confused at him for a moment before he touched himself and nodded in response. He positioned over Harry and stroked the area around Harry's hole with the top of his penis.

"Are you ready for this?"

Harry nodded once; he had never felt more ready than now. Niall nodded and kissed him hard before he quickly but gently pressed through Harry's hole.

  Harry groaned as he felt Niall get into him, it burned a little but not so much so that it wouldn’t work. Niall slipped in almost without complications, he breathed heavily when he was completely inside Harry.

"Does it feel good?" Niall breathed, he found it hard not to lose control. Harry was so tight and hot around him.

Harry nodded and put his legs over Niall’s shoulders, locked him. Niall began to move slowly, and Harry tried to move at the same rate.

When they found the right rhythm, Niall began to move faster while he bit and licked Harry's sensitive neck which caused Harry to moan even louder than before. Niall placed his hands on Harry's shoulders, moving both harder and faster inside him; stars began to dance in front of their eyes and finally Niall struck Harry's G-spot.

"AH! NIALL!” Harry shouted, when it exploded before his eyes, he sprayed all over his stomach. Niall rode out Harry's orgasm and when he struck the point, Harry yelled out Niall’s name again and it exploded in front of Niall’s eyes, it felt like he was shattered into thousand pieces. After a few seconds of vibrating climax, Niall leaned over Harry and breathed heavily against his neck.

"We have to do this again”, he croaked, and kissed Harry's chin before he slipped out and lay down next to Harry.

"Do you really want that?" Harry asked in surprise, he reached for the opening to his bedside table where he had a handkerchief packing. He took out a handkerchief and wiped his stomach and gave a handkerchief to Niall who also dried himself off, and then they slipped under the blanket close to each other.

"Yes, why not? I haven’t had this kind of good sex in a long while," Niall murmured tired. His eyelids were heavy and he yawned.

"We'll see what you say tomorrow when you wake up here and discover how drunk you were tonight," muttered Harry as an answer, he stifled a yawn before he spooned Niall from behind and held one arm around Nialls chest.

"Mmh..." Niall mumbled in response, and they both fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Harry woke by the sun shining through the blinds, the beams stuck in his eyes. The heavy taste of alcohol was thick on his tongue; he smacked his lips and felt that he was in a great need of water. He started struggling out of the bed to get a glass of water, but he was stopped by a white arm lying across his chest. He squinted and saw a disheveled, blond buried with his face into the blue pillow.

_Niall?_  he thought confusedly and suddenly, he remembered parts of the night before.

_Shit, how fucking drunk were we?_  he thought frightened and coaxed out Nialls grip.

Niall whined in disapproval when Harry's warmth left him but he still continued to sleep. Harry scrambled out of bed as quietly as he could and staggered to the kitchen with his hand pressed against his forehead. Out of nowhere, his head begin to ache; he was in desperate need of water and an aspirin.

Harry yawned wide as he took a glass from the cupboard and filled it with water; he drank a few sips before he took an aspirin from the medicine cabinet and swallowed it with water. When he was finished, he leaned tiredly towards the bench and looked up at the ceiling; he felt a stung in his bum and giggled quietly. Apparently, he and Niall had sex, fun fun... He sighed and decided to go back to bed. When he had laid down next to Niall the Irishman immediately cuddled into Harry's chest and sighed with satisfaction when he felt Harry's warm body against his. Harry put his arm around Niall’s back and wondered if the evening's events had changed their relationship in any way, he wondered if they were still friends or if they were something more.

_Do I want to be something more than best friend? Have we become friends with benefits? Will we continue to have sex with each other?_  The thoughts were many and Harry felt very insecure.

Niall suddenly jerked and his blue eyes suddenly looked at Harry.

"Harry?" Niall blurted, his voice was hoarse and morning sweet.

"Hi Niall," Harry replied softly with an uncertain smile.

"What do I do...?" His eyes were huge and it looked like his whole life flashed before his eyes as he remembered the events from the night before.

"We... You and me?" Niall looked to be upset for life, he tore himself from Harry's lap and got out of the bed in a jolt, he threw on his clothes while a red blush spread across his face and neck.

"Niall, easy..." Harry tried but he knew that when Niall well had panicked, he would rather flee than stay and confront the problems.

"Niall, what are you afraid of? We both wanted this last night, right? You said it was the best sex you ever had and..." Harry started but Niall interrupted him.

"I'm not gay!" Niall said in a shrill voice. "I'm not in love with you and I love women!" He struggled into his jeans and white polo shirt before he stepped out of the bedroom and ran towards the front door. Harry stood up quickly and grabbed hold of just Nialls arm before he got out of the door.

"Niall you have nothing to be ashamed or be afraid of, you have nothing to defend. You were just you, okay? Drunk but still you," Harry tried softly; he looked softly at Niall while he talked.

Niall relaxed for a second.

"But ... I'm not gay; I don’t like men in that way. I'm not in love with you!" he protested panicked, redness spread up to the ears; the color glowed in contrast to his blonde hair.

Harry sighed; he started to get annoyed that Niall felt the need to defend his sexuality.  
“You have nothing to defend Niall, calm down. Come in again so we can talk about it."

Niall fidgeted on the place uncertain of himself, but eventually he decided to back inside.

"Let's go to the kitchen and get some breakfast," said Harry softly and linked his arm with Niall’s. They went into the kitchen and Harry took out the butter, cold cuts, bread and yogurt. He served everything on different plates and when he had set the table he hurried into the bathroom and put on his robe, then he returned back to the kitchen.  
  
Niall had already begun to prepare his sandwiches and he had also poured himself a glass of orange juice.

"So Niall ..." Harry murmured as he sat down and made his sandwiches, "what do you make of yesterday's events? If my memory is right, you said that you wouldn’t mind doing it again," said Harry, a light blush spread across his cheeks as he thought of how Niall had said it, his voice being hoarse and wonderful.

Niall chewed a few bites of his sandwich before he answered.

"I don’t know Hazza; I don’t want people to see me as gay after this."

Harry raised his eyebrows and sighed.

"What is it that's so horrible about being viewed as gay or bisexual? You're acting like a teenager Niall."

Niall snorted angrily, his entire nose wrinkled and tiny lightning bolts flew from his eyes. Harry thought he looked really cute being all crinkly nosed.

"It doesn’t sound good in my ears. That’s all," he replied angrily before he took an angry bite of his sandwich.

"But you thought about it yesterday," said Harry with a grin. Niall was tomato red in the face; his eyes flickered between the table and Harry's face.

"Yes, of course I did, but ... Still," he sighed after a few seconds of thinking.

"It's okay Niall; I haven’t spread this to everyone at work if you think that. This stays between us." Harry nodded to clarify his message. Niall nodded with satisfaction back and ate the remnants of his sandwich.

"So what are you going to do today?" Niall asked, it was more than clear that he wanted to change the subject.

"Probably to deal with some paperwork and then check if Louis has updated his blog.”

"Mhm," said Niall thoughtfully. "Are you possibly fond of that blogger?" He asked suddenly, and Harry felt his heart jumped in his chest. His cheeks heated up and he shook his head in denial.

"Me? Fond of someone I never met? What do you think about me?" Harry snorted casually but the smirk at Niall’s lips told him that Niall didn’t believe a damn about what Harry said.

"Hazza, I've known you since we were scapegrace. ‘Course I know when you are fond of someone," Niall grinned as he moved around the spoon in his coffee.

 Harry shrugged, maybe Niall was right but he didn’t want to think of it right now. He didn’t want to consider that he might have fallen in love with something that was impossible.

"I think indeed that you are fond of him," Niall grinned teasingly while he spread butter on his sandwich.

"Hmmm ..." Harry said absently, he really didn’t want to talk about it right now.

Niall shrugged and ate his sandwich, he looked at the clock.

"I think I'll go home now, but we can always call or something later and remember to not to say anything about the evening..." Niall reminded Harry before he disappeared out like an arrow through the door.

Harry sighed heavily and pulled his hands over his face. He wished that Niall wasn’t so insecure and scared about his sexuality; he wished that Niall had stayed with him so they could talk properly and he wished he didn’t feel the way he did for Niall. He didn’t how long he actually had these feelings for Niall, and it  _hurt_. It hurt to know that Niall would probably not answer them, and that yesterday was just a one-off.

Harry started picking off the table and when he was finished, he took a shower. When he had finished showering, he sank down in the computer chair in front of his computer with a blue towel wrapped around his hips. He pulled his fingers through his curls and clicked on Louis blog. A new post had been set up and Harry's heart made a somersault.  
  
 **Title: None**

**Sometimes I feel like nothing, usually when they have pumped me full of drugs, like now. I can barely write properly but I am doing my best for you readers. They use morphine for the pain I have, but the pain that I actually _feel_  is still there, the pain in me like a bleeding hole is left. The pain of not being able to live longer than 24 years. The pain that I will not be anything in a couple months. The pain I feel every time my sisters or mom comes to visit me and says that everything will be fine, but I don’t believe them. Nothing is good when you know you are going to die soon. Nothing is good when you do not have to live as long as you want.**

**\- Posted by Louis 10:56**

Harry sighed heavily at the post and shook his head. This was far too heavy for him. Why would you want to sit and read this kind of tragic things? Harry didn’t understand. He scrolled to the top of the page, clicked on "about me" and looked for a moment at the black and white image with Louis and a guitar. He felt once more how his heart flipped when he looked into those black eyes that were adorned with crinkles at the corners of his eyes. He stretched out his index finger and touched the left eye’s crinkles, a smile spread across his lips and his heart began to beat faster. Surely he had become fond of him...  
  
Harry sighed again at his own stupidity, how could he be in love with someone he didn’t know? Someone who he had never met or even talked to? It was incredible and he had never experienced anything like this before. He caught himself thinking that he was too old to fall head over heels for someone whom he had never had contact with, but at the same time there was a little voice in his subconscious that whispered that it was okay to do so.   
 _Love isn’t something_ you control - the voice whispered. Harry felt quite satisfied with this and felt that he could agree with the voice in a way, but he still had feelings for Niall which he couldn’t quite describe. They were just there somewhere within him and when Harry thought about it, they had probably always been there. He had always found something of Niall as he liked, something that had touched his heart that he could not quite put the finger on. There was something Nialls tousled blond hair, blue eyes and Irish accent that made Harry shudder whenever he thought of him.

Harry leaned back in his chair and stared up at the ceiling at a black spot that has never gone away with either detergent or Vanish. Harry had even hired a cleaner that was supposed to remove it, but the cleaner had not been able to remove it no matter what he had used.

_It's like my feelings for Niall. Something there but never disappears_ , Harry thought with a hint of sadness. He closed one eye and placed the index finger and thumb on both sides of the black stain. He framed it with his fingers and pretended it was a fly before he "crushed" it with his fingers.

_What if I could do the same with my feelings for Niall. It would be easier for both of us now and then maybe I could get on with my weird feelings for Louis instead_ , he thought hopefully, and leaned forward in his chair again and looked again at the black and white image of Louis.

_I have never seen anyone more beautiful than you..._ , thought Harry and stroked Louis smiling cheek. He felt like an obnoxious internet stalker but he couldn’t help it. The feelings he felt for Louis couldn’t be described, they were just something that had come over him like a bomb explosion.   
Harry's phone vibrated suddenly where it lay on the table, and Harry leaned forward to see who it was from.  
  
 **Message:**

_Niall: Sorry about before._

Harry raised his eyebrows, this was not at all like Niall, he would never apologize if it wasn’t absolutely necessary. What had happened?

**New message to: Niall**

_It's okay. Natural reaction.  
_  
Harry sent the text message after he got up from his chair and put on his underwear, a white shirt and jogging pants, then he lay down on the unmade bed and looked up at the ceiling, waiting for a response from Niall.

**Message:**

_Niall: Sorry, anyway, I understand if you took offense. I behaved like a teenager like you said. I'm sorry._

Harry frowned; this was certainly not like Niall. He had thought about what happened, and now he regretted the way he had acted. Wow. Niall James Horan had developed yet another step in the evolutionary ladder.

**New message to: Niall**

_It's okay buddy, I understand why you reacted that way._

**Message:**

_Niall: I'm glad you forgive me, I was really immature. Sorry for that. Anyway Wolfy, what’re you doing?_

**New message to: Niall**

_I’m lying in my bed and staring at the ceiling while I’m writing to you. What’re you doing, leprechaun?_

**Message**

_Niall: I'm doing the same, feel a little bad about what happened before. I’m having it pretty boring. Wanna come over maybe?_

Harry's eyebrows lifted to the Eiffel tower’s heights. Niall had changed into a completely different person in just one hour, it was crazy and Harry didn’t really know what had happened to him.

**New message to Niall:**

_Sure, I will be there in around 20 minutes._


	3. Chapter 3

Harry knocked on the door to Niall’s apartment, within two seconds Niall stood there, dressed in an oversized dark blue long-sleeved shirt and black jeans. He nodded as an answer and Harry stepped into the apartment with a single step.

"Do you want something? Coffee? Tea?” Niall asked while on the way to his kitchen-

"No, I’m fine", Harry answered.

"Do you want to go to the living room then?” Niall suggested, he wiggled playfully on one of his eyebrows and Harry smiled.

"Why not."

They sat down in the big leather couch with an almost embarrassingly large distance between them. Harry felt a little nervous, though he did not really know why, he could feel Niall glancing at him once in a while without saying anything.

"What do you do want to do then Niall?" Harry asked after five minutes of silence.

"We can watch a movie or something?" Niall suggested dryly, he turned his blue eyes towards Harry's green and Harry nodded.

"Sure." Harry could not get over the fact that they acted as a couple that had just gone through a big fight.

"What do you want to see then? You can rent many movies directly with the remote control; it's a new service, My TV company thought that I would try it for free for three months," said Niall with a softer tone, his eyes twinkled a little as he looked at Harry.

"Doesn’t matter what we watch Niall, you choose," Harry replied and Niall turned on the TV as an answer. He clicked on the "news" tab and browsed through the list of new released movies.

"Do you feel like a little drama and war?" Niall asked, nodding at the TV screen. It was a picture of a brown horse with a glimmer in his forehead and a teenager who was standing next to him, they appeased together towards the sunset. "War Horse" was written in large black letters across the pair.

"Gladly," said Harry lightly, he thought that the poster was very beautiful; it drew the viewers interest.

"Then we rent it," Niall said with a bright smile and clicked "OK" on the remote control. The movie started and Harry felt how he enjoyed being at home with Niall watching movies.

 Through the film Harry let his thoughts wander away and form to be about Louis, he wondered what hospital Louis was laying at, what he was doing at this very moment, if he had updated the blog, if he slept, if he felt good... Harry wondered too many things, somehow it made him sad because it seemed like he would never get in touch with Louis as a person. Sure, he could comment on a post every now and then, but he would never get to know him as a person, it was beyond the opportunity’s opportunity. Maybe he should go for Niall instead? Niall  _was_  in his life which Louis wasn’t, not in the same way. But… Investing in Niall was not even a given chance, Niall wasn’t gay, or at least  he didn’t want to be seen as gay.

Harry sighed deeply and looked at Niall, the Irishman sat with his hands tied over his stomach, his blue eyes staring wide-eyed at the television screen where Joey the horse was stuck in barbed wire. The light from the TV reflected in Nialls blond curls which made it shine even more than usual, something was moving inside Harry and he moved unconsciously closer to Niall.

_Niall is for real, Niall is here with you, Niall is breathing, Niall is not terminally ill_ , intoned a voice in Harry's head repeatedly.  _But he doesn’t want you, he doesn’t want to be gay, he just thinks about women,_  whispered another voice. Harry didn’t know which voice he would listen to, his whole life and values had changed in one night. Niall suddenly turned to Harry; his eyes were a little wet and they looked questioningly at Harry.

"What is it Harold?" he asked with a somewhat hoarse voice.

Harry bit his own lip and shrugged his shoulders, he felt like a confused teenage girl.  A wrinkle formed in Nialls forehead, his eyes moved from Harry's eyes down to Harry's lips and then up into Harry's eyes again. The blonde suddenly moved closer to Harry, and when they were only a few inches apart, Niall leaned towards Harry's face and kissed his lips tentatively with his eyes still fixed on Harry’s eyes. Harry closed his eyes and laid his hands on Nialls shoulders, Niall put his arms around Harry's neck and the kiss became deeper but was still cautious and tentative. Harry moved his hands from Niall’s shoulders down to his waist and lifted him up in his lap with their lips still joined. Niall gently dug his fingers into the back of Harry's hair and continued to kiss him tenderly. For every kiss heat flowed through Harry's body and he just wanted more of that heat, he wanted to disappear into the warmth he felt and never get out. He wanted to stay in his cocoon of warmth from Nialls lips forever without worrying of anything else.

 Niall’s fingers dropped Harry's hair and instead, they moved up towards Harry's jaw, soft fingertips drew along Harry's jaw and shivers spread everywhere on Harry’s body from Niall’s tender touch.   
He put his hand over Niall’s and opened his eyes to see Niall’s face.

Niall broke the kiss when he felt that Harry looked at him, he opened his eyes and looked into Harry's deep forests. Harry stroked his hand over Niall’s for a moment before he closed his eyes and caught Niall’s lips with his, this time he stuck his tongue into Niall’s mouth and Niall was more than willing to let him into his mouth. Harry explored Nialls mouth thoroughly before he caught his tongue with his own, they fought over dominance for a while and Niall won in the end. He sucked hold of Harry's tongue while his hand found its way down to Harry's crotch; he played with Harry's tongue while he stroked his hand over Harry's crotch.

Harry moaned softly but he was not going to have sex tonight, he would not take advantage of Niall again. Niall continued to move his slender hand over Harry's crotch, it became too much for Harry, he grabbed a soft grip around Niall’s wrist and moved it away from his crotch. Niall broke the kiss and looked with wondering blue eyes at Harry.

"No such things now”, Harry murmured softly, he caressed Niall’s wrist with fingers. Niall looked a little disoriented for a second before he nodded.

"I understand," he whispered and gave Harry another of his tender kisses before he moved away from Harry to sit next to him instead. Harry kept Niall’s wrist between his fingers, he could feel the bird-like pulse beating against his fingertips. Niall leaned his head on Harry's shoulder and looked absently on the TV screen while he stroked Harry's arm with his free hand.

"I'm sorry if I did something wrong," he muttered shamefacedly without looking at Harry.

"No Niall, no such thing. I just don’t feel for sex right now and I don’t want to take advantage of you, especially when you feel as you do about your sexuality," said Harry softly.

"You didn’t use me, I did this because I wanted it," Niall said softly.

"Well,  _this_  I understand that it was voluntarily since you started but I don’t want to use you for sex again."

"Harry, you have not used me in any way. Yes, we were drunk but we both still remember it, and we both were a part of it. Damn, it was I who had sex with you!" Niall said, upset and looked at Harry.

 Harry bit his lower lip; he released Niall’s hand and looked at the television that was showing the credits for the film.

"You're right, but I just feel so confused..." he admitted with an uncertain glance at Niall.

"I am also confused but we have, after all, each other," Niall smiled and grabbed hold of Harry's hand; he caressed Harry's knuckles gently with his long fingers.

Harry didn’t really know what had happened to Niall in the last hours, he felt a great need to go home, lie flat down on the bed and sort out his thoughts.

"I must go home now," Harry said simply before he stood up and in the same turn, he released Niall’s hand.

 Niall looked wonderingly at him with a confused frown on his forehead.

"Why? Have I done something wrong?"

"No Niall, you haven’t done anything wrong. I only have to go home and sort out my thoughts. Talk to you later, okay?" Harry said softly before he disappeared out the door.

-

When Harry came through the door in his apartment, he sank slowly to the floor with his fist tightly pressed against his mouth. His whole body shook with sobs, but no tears came out of his eyes. He wrapped his arms around his legs and leaned his forehead against his kneecaps with his eyes staring down at the floor, the shaking continued to shudder through his body but still no tears came out of his eyes. Thoughts whirled around like angry whirlwinds in his head, he felt incredibly confused and happy at the same time. Confused because it seemed that Niall had become a whole new person in a few hours, and glad that it seemed that Niall wanted to try to be anything more than friends. However, he was still confused about the fact that Niall had said this morning that he didn’t want to be seen as gay and that Harry was indeed fond of Louis but Niall tonight had kissed him and asked what was wrong. Either Niall had gone and got another person's brain of any kind, or he would have just thought through his actions, but none of this sounded right in Harry's head, neither the one nor the other. It was all just a mess and Harry couldn’t cope with it.

 Harry sighed and let every muscle in his body relax before he stood up on shaky legs to go to his bedroom to check Louis blog. He had updated once again, and Harry's heart was again taking blissful somersaults.

 

**Title: Waste**

**Every breath I take feels like a waste. A waste for someone else. Someone else who needs my breath more than me, someone else who needs the oxygen I pull into my lungs that won’t work in a few months. There is no point for me to continue to breathe air I don’t really need.**

**\- Posted by Louis, 21:14**

 

Harry stared at the words on the shining screen, it was hard and heavy words Louis had written. Harry felt with his whole being that he wanted to go to Louis now and comfort him and just be there for him until he wasn’t existing anymore. Louis seemed to be so incredibly lonely and Harry wanted to fill his loneliness, he wanted to be there with him and tell him how much his breath actually meant. Harry caught himself crying, he became startled when he saw small drops of tears in front of him, he hadn’t cried in a long time.

_I have to comment something_ , he thought suddenly. He took a few seconds to collect himself before he scrolled down to the comments. He filled in his old nickname "Hazza" in the name box, he was happy that Louis had turned off the "you must be logged in to comment" feature. He bit his lip for a moment as he thought about what he would comment, after some minutes, he came up with it.

_You are important; every breath you take is worth more than anything else._

He was careful to insert his email address for alerts in case Louis would answer but he doubted that Louis would do it, thee post had after all, already 250 comments, and it had only been half an hour ago since Louis posted it. Harry ran his hand through his hair - happy with his comment. He dropped down the screen and stretched out his body, and then he got up and went to the kitchen to make tea and something to eat. He started whistling merrily as he took out a small plate, bread, butter, cheese and ham. He finished his sandwiches and tea and returned to his bedroom and put on the TV, he ate his sandwiches and drank tea while he looked at junk programs on TV, around 23 o'clock he fell asleep.

The next day was dull, Louis hadn’t updated the blog all day and Harry was dying of boredom. He sat in his desk chair with his arms hanging at his sides and using his legs he spun around and around. He had checked his inbox on a regular basis but he hadn’t received a response yet. He would hardly admit it to himself, but he felt really depressed about not having received a reply. As usual, he hoped too much and as usual, his hope was crushed into a thousand pieces.

Harry sighed angrily and sat straight up in the chair, he brought his computer to life and watched over his shoulder so no one would see that he avoided his work and when no one was looking at him, he slipped into Louis blog and browsed down to the post he posted yesterday. He flipped through the 150 new comments and looked after if Louis responded to any of the old and new comments - he hadn’t.

  Harry made a slight gesture of victory in the air before his stomach turned totally inside out when he saw that Louis had responded to someone who went by the name "ZN". The signature had posted a comment to the length of an A4 and the only thing Louis had responded was a heart. Harry snorted angrily with his arms suddenly crossed over his chest. He understood that Louis felt obliged to answer such a long comment but didn’t Harry's own comment have more value? It was the thought that counted, not the length of the comment?

Harry eyed "ZN"'s comment (he already hated that signature) and pursed his mouth, the things ZN had written was so incredibly cliché so it tasted bitter in his mouth. Harry muttered angrily to himself and closed down the blog and continued with his work nonstop until he left for the day. He stopped at Subway and ate a toast before he took the tub home. When he finally got home he threw himself down in a heap on the couch, he felt completely out of himself without really knowing why. He took the cell phone from his pocket and checked if he had received anything from anyone, but he hadn’t. He hadn’t even received anything from Niall which surprised him a bit considering how he had been the past two days.

 Harry shook his head, he was too tired to even care about it and he thought Niall would probably get in touch when he felt like it, moreover, he had bothered too much about Louis and Louis’ comment today to even bother about Niall so really it didn’t matter that Niall hadn’t been in touch. Harry didn’t even know if they would meet again. They had said goodbye in a good way, but their relationship was so complicated now after that night, and Harry was not sure what he really wanted. He had very strong but complicated feelings for Niall and something in the back of my head said he would follow those feelings while another part of the head, said he shouldn’t do it and instead go after the shady feelings he had for Louis.

Harry sighed heavily, this was just too hard and he didn’t want anything to do with it, he wished he could close the lid of his feelings and never open it again. But somewhere, he knew that it wouldn’t go, all people have feelings, whether you like it or not, and Harry hadn’t directly trained away to not feel anything. His feelings were only there; they swam safely within him and did somersaults when he thought of Louis and Niall.

_Louis... Had he replied yet?_

Harry sat up in bed and picked up the monitor to the computer and checked his email.

**No new mail.**

Harry felt a hole opening in his chest from disappointment.  
  
 _Why couldn’t he just reply? Was that so hard?_  he thought, frustrated. There was nothing more he wanted than to have a response from Louis, it would have been enough with a smiley face or a heart or a dot or whatever, but no, Louis hadn’t replied and the hole in the chest just grew bigger.

_You're overreacting_ , Harry’s sub consciousness growled but Harry ignored him completely.

_It is clear that you want an answer, it is completely natural and also you are the fond of him,_  thought another part of his subconscious and Harry nodded approvingly.

"That's right," he murmured to himself, and shut down the screen, he cast a glance at the clock.

Time to go to bed. He went to the bathroom and made himself prepared, and then he went to bed without checking either his mobile or Louis blog.


	4. Chapter 4

A few days went by, Louis hadn’t updated his blog in four days, and Harry was getting really worried about him, he hadn’t received a response to his comment, and he hadn’t heard anything from Niall either. For every day that went by, Harry's life became more and more boring, he had nothing to look forward to, Louis daily updates had given him something to look forward to but now he hadn’t updated for a while and since he hadn’t kept in touch with Niall; he had no evenings at 'The Burned Goose' to look forward to either. He didn’t dare to contact Niall although perhaps it was up to him to do it; it was, after all, Harry who had left Niall in the confused state last time they met, but he didn’t dare and had no desire either. It felt so rigid between them and if Niall felt he needed to break the ice between them, then it was up to him to do it.  
  
Harry sighed heavily and leaned back in his computer chair, he let his gaze travel around the small office without finding any particular point. He just wanted Louis to update his blog so that he could comment again and really prove to him and demonstrate that he existed. He didn’t care that Louis probably would perceive him as a crazy fan girl; all he wanted was that Louis would answer him and he would certainly try to get him to do it. He clicked on Louis blog that was still out of date and clicked on Louis last post that Harry already commented on. He scrolled down to the comments section and typed the signature "Hazza" yet again.

_I hope you are okay Louis; I think of you every minute and hope you feel as good as you are enabled to._

Harry clicked on “send”, and his comment popped up among the 400 other comments. He couldn’t help but feel that Louis probably wouldn’t respond, more people had expressed their concern for him and Harry's comment was probably just one of the crowd.

_Don’t think like that, he will probably respond soon. Don’t worry_ , mumbled Harry's subconscious to him, he sighed in response and pulled his hands through his hair. He didn’t know what to think, the only thing he wanted to do right now was to be with Louis and tell him how much he actually meant to him.

Tears gathered again in Harry's eyes and he tried to swallow away the growing lump in his throat, but it just got bigger and bigger.  
  
 _You can’t cry here you idiot_ , he thought angrily, he drew his hand across his face to wipe away tears that overflowed and stood up from the chair.  It was only ten minutes left until his day of work was finished and he thought it wouldn’t hurt if he went home a little earlier than expected. He walked with quick steps through the office to avoid colliding with Alice and Olivia, after a few minutes he came out of the building and took the tube home.

Harry sank into the couch with a can of beer and turned on the TV.  The computer was on the side, ready with the email in case Louis would answer. Harry watched TV for a while, he got stuck in a program that was about how white tigers came to existence, for a while he slumbered too but he woke with a jerk and his heart in his throat when he heard the familiar tune from both his mobile and PC. He sat straight up and lifted the computer from the table to his knees. There was an email in his inbox; indeed, he immediately clicked on it without even reading the title.

 

**Louis has replied to your comment: "It means a lot, thank you."**

Harry's heart was beating somersaults in his chest and he found himself have difficulty with breathing. He bounced up and down on his seat with the computer bumping in his lap before he pulled hard for breath when black spots had started dancing before his eyes. No words in the whole world could describe his happiness right now and he loved every second of it.

_Should I answer him? Should I write more?_  Thoughts flew around like bouncy balls when he clicked on Louis blog. The musician had still not updated, which meant that he had responded to Harry's comment FIRST! He had thought it was more important to respond to Harry's comment than updating his blog!

Harry stifled a joyful roar and he hit the air with his fist in a victory gesture. He had never felt this happy for months and it was still just a comment he was rejoicing over.

_I really need to be completely over-heels in love with this man_ , Harry thought suddenly and bit his lip.

_I've never met him_ , he thought, but the realization didn’t make him cringe. He was head over-heels in love with someone he had never met, but actually it did nothing. It did nothing at all and it almost felt like liberation. Now when Louis had responded to his comment, he decided to really continue to comment on every single post Louis was willing to put up. He would spend time on every comment, every word and every sentence, all words and sentences would have a meaning that Louis would notice. Harry felt like he was on top of the world and nothing would stop him from trying to catch Louis in its spider net now.  
  
Harry took a sip of his beer before he clicked the internet and surfed onto Louis blog. Look there, indeed, a post posted 23:30 lying there. Harry clicked onto the post and started reading.

**Title: Loathing**

**Hello beloved readers. Sorry that I haven’t updated in a while, but the thing is that I've been without consciousness in recent days. The doctors have started giving me stronger medicines to prolong my life and I've gone in and out through consciousness. The nights have been horrible; I’ve woken up and vomited every bit of food I’ve eaten so they had to plug in a IV in me because I can’t eat normal food anymore. I also got to know today when I finally woke up and felt a little better that I only have about four months left to live, more or less. The doctors didn’t say it directly to me, but I heard them whispering about it by my side when they thought I was asleep. I don’t understand why they continue pumping more chemotherapy and other medications if I still only have four months left to live. It feels heavy and it feels like there is no point in continuing doing this anymore. My biggest wish right now is just to go home and sleep in my own bed without the needles in me and devices around me. I just want to curl up underneath my duvet cover and stay there until I am no more, but I can’t. Even though I am an adult and almost twenty five years old my mother would never allow me to leave the hospital in my state, I'm not sure if doctors want to give me away either, but I'll try to highlight my desire as soon as I can talk. My throat is a little swollen and worn out after all the vomit. I appreciate all of you who read and comment even if I can’t respond to all comments (I wish I could be but the drugs tire me out so much). I love you and you and The Fray are the only thing that makes me want to continue.**

**\- Posted by Louis 23:30**

_Four months left to live... It's no_ thing, thought Harry almost panicked when he finished reading the post. He pulled up his calendar from his job bag and looked up the current date. It was the 26th November and in four months it would be 26 March 2013. Tears burned in Harry's eyes, he angrily wiped them away with a sweep of the top side of his hand and sank deeper into the couch.   
Four months... four months. How could he make contact with Louis in such a short time? How could he bear to not get read Louis posts after March 2013 when he supposedly was going to be gone? How could he live without Louis? The sudden idea stabbed in his stomach. For the first time in his entire 21-year old life, he felt that he couldn’t live without a man, however disputed and complicated it was, he knew he couldn’t survive without Louis. The pain in his stomach became more like a cutting edge and Harry got up off the couch and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. He drank five slow sips from the glass before he went back to the couch again to comment on Louis post. He let his feelings be a bit more indicative in this comment.  
  
 _If I could, I would halve my lifetime and give half of it to you._

Harry bit his lip while he thought for a moment if he could add something but in the end he concluded that it was enough. The words he wrote reflected only part of the tumultuous emotions he actually felt. It was sick, crazy even, but as he had read, seen and thought about it so very many times before in the last week, he had come to the conclusion that there was nothing he could do about the feelings he had. He had actually read a little on the internet about similar events and he was less ashamed for what he felt when he read about it. This was kind of like being in love with a celebrity, which Harry was funny enough, but it was still not on the same plane because Louis was not quite as popular as he could have been and for that, Harry was grateful. He was also enormously grateful that Louis had chosen his comment to answer to; there was really nothing that could describe his happiness right now. Louis had only four months to live and it stressed Harry a lot.   
His mobile and email ringed suddenly and he opened the email right away, the email said that Louis had answered his comment. Harry almost got dyspnea because of Louis responding so quickly!

**Louis has replied to your comment: "Thank you 'Hazza'. Your comments always make my heart smile."**

Harry stared at the screen while his mouth almost hit the floor in shock. His face was flushed red and his hands shook uncontrollably as he read the comment again and again. He couldn’t understand that Louis had responded to his comment, and so quickly too!

_I have to answer_ , Harry thought stressed, he pressed on the link and was forwarded onto the blog website and comment section. He found Louis answer and pressed the "answer" button.

_I'm glad I could make you smile even when you have it so tough. I wish I could be with you._

Harry stared at the comment a while and wondered if the last of it was perhaps too much, maybe Louis was going to be away frightened and upset if he wrote that? Harry really didn’t want to be perceived as a nasty internet stalker.

_I'm glad I could make you smile even when you have it so tough._

He nodded approvingly, licked his lips and pressed "send." The comment was sent off, and Harry leaned back in his chair with satisfaction. Nothing could beat the happiness that flowed through him now. Just a minute later the familiar tune ringed and Harry's heart jumped up in his throat. He leaned forward and stared at the screen, his mouth was dry as a desert of excitement.

_Louis wrote:_

_There are many of you commentators who make me smile, but there is something special with you. You write in a different way. You and "ZN"._

Harry's heart was happy somersaults and he felt his face broke into a goofy smile. His comments (along with "ZN"s, sigh) had something special! Something special for  **Louis**! Harry almost fainted; this was too good to be true. He scrolled down the page to see how many comments Louis got on the post. There were already 200 comments posted and it had only been 20 minutes since Louis posted it. He flipped back to Louis replies, chewing frantically on his lower lip as he thought about what he would reply.

_I am so incredibly happy that you think so. My fingers are shaking as I’m typing this... I'm just so incredibly happy for you to respond to my comments and have noticed me._

Harry frowned, could he really send this? He shrugged his shoulders and smiled foolishly.   
 _Of course I can send it!_  he thought cheerfully and pressed on “send”. The e-mails and phone ringed the same time just after a minute, and Harry could find an answer waiting in the inbox.

**Louis has replied to your comment:**

**"I am fascinated that I could have such an effect on you just by answering your comment. Would you like to switch email addresses, or something similar? It feels so open to write this here and I don’t want everyone to see our conversations.”**

Harry gasped for breath as he finished reading the comment. Now, he actually was about to faint.

_Louis William Tomlinson wants to exchange email address with me!_  Harry thought happily, he almost struck the table with his fists as he desperately sucked air into the lungs. He really behaved like a teenager in love, but he didn’t care about it, he had never been in love like this, and that Louis wanted to change email address made him almost mad with joy.

_Of course can we change email addresses! If you have a phone, we could exchange phone numbers but only if you want it of course._

Replied Harry, he also inserted his email. A few seconds later the email ringed and now a real email had dumped into Harry’s inbox. The e-mail’s address was ‘Louist91@hotmail.com’. Harry clapped his hands in excitement with flushed cheeks before he clicked on the email and read it.

 

_Hey Hazza.  
So your real name is Harry? Nice name. I like Hazza, however, is it okay if I call you that? I hope you don’t think I'm too forward to ask about email but I felt like I wanted to exchange my email with you. There is something special about you, and as I said earlier, your comments always make my heart smile. I understand if you think I'm too creepy and don’t want to continue talking to me - Louis_

"Of course you can call me Hazza!" cried Harry like a mad man before he pounced on the keyboard to respond.

_Hello Louis.  
Yes, my real name is Harry and I take for granted that your real name is Louis? I’m only checking, maybe you are using a pseudonym? You may of course call me Hazza, it is an old nickname from when I was a teenager. I don’t think you are the least bit pushy, to be honest it was what I wanted, to talk to you more than just the comments. I am so _incredibly _happy that you want to do this with me. I don’t think you're creepy, don’t worry. - Harry_

Harry nodded with satisfaction at his reply and leaned back on the couch with a prolonged sigh. This day couldn’t get much better than it already was. He couldn’t understand that Louis actually wanted to exchange emails with him and so quickly too! It was almost like a miracle had occurred and Harry enjoyed every second of it. He glanced at the clock and saw that it was one in the morning.

_Well, I usually never stay up late like this so it does not matter that I do it now_ , he thought with a shrug as he waited anxiously for that Louis would answer. Tinkle.

_My real name is Louis, I've never been interested in using a pseudonym since I am proud of my name and I want people to remember me for who I am. Nice that I can call you Hazza. I'm glad you feel that way, it makes me smile. - Louis_

Harry moaned happily that his simple emails got Louis to smile. He could see him lying there in the hospital bed with the computer on his lap with his face shining that made the crinkles around his eyes appear. Heat spread throughout Harry's body as he imagined Louis before him, he giggled happily and bit a little on his thumb before he answered.

_I'm so glad I can make you smile; it makes me smile more than I thought I could. I love your blog (sorry for the topic change) you are so incredibly good at writing emotion. You actually made me cry twice only by your posts. How are you anyway? - Harry_

Harry yawned widely when he sent off the email, he stretched himself so that his back creaked before he glanced towards the clock; 01:20 showed it.  _Time to go to bed then_. He reluctantly shut down the computer screen and got off the couch, he could hardly wait until he had finished work tomorrow so he could respond to Louis email.


	5. Chapter 5

 The next day at work was hectic for Harry, there were many who called and many who needed his help with various things, he hadn’t even had time to go on break when he finally sat almost asleep on the tube on his way home. He dragged himself up the stairs and when he came in the door, he put on a pot of water on the stove to make tea. He sank down on the edge of the table and waited for the water to boil; he pulled his hand through his hair and yawned widely. He hadn’t got many hours of sleep last night and he was really in a great need of a nap, but he ignored the desire. The water began to boil and Harry poured it in a tea cup with a tea bag with Lipton’s Early Gray flavor. He took the teacup in his hand and disappeared into his bedroom where the computer was already turned on. He put the cup down on the bedside table and surfed into his email, there was no email from Louis, and Harry felt the disappointment putting itself like a cover over him. However, he thought that Louis was probably busy either sleeping or being medicated or something else, he would respond when he had time. While Harry waited, he thought that he could watch some of the TV-shows he watched.

Hours passed by and Harry's inbox remained empty likewise Louis blog, but the comments were still pouring in on his latest post.

_Maybe I should get in touch with Niall again? Ask if he wants to come over for a pizza and a beer..._ Harry thought while watching the last episode of season 4 of Supernatural. He picked up his cellphone from his pocket and pointed at the "Message" icon.

**New message to: Niall**

_Hey. How are you? Would you like to come over and eat pizza and drink a beer?_

A minute passed and Harry's phone vibrated merrily.

**Message**

_Niall: Sounds nice, I'll buy the beer or do you have at home so that's enough? I want a pizza with ground beef._

**New message to: Niall**

_I have enough of beer, you just have to come here and I’ll fix the rest._

Harry sent the text message and ordered pizza and after 45 minutes came both the pizza delivery and Niall, Harry took the pizza and welcomed Niall into the apartment. They sat down in front of the TV with their pizza boxes on the table and started to eat while they watched Batman: The Dark Knight.

Niall fell back on the sofa with a high burp when he had finished eating; he took a sip of his beer and then smiled at Harry's direction.

"How nice that you invited me over here, I didn’t think you would do it," he said softly and pulled his fingertips lightly over Harry's bare arm. Harry pulled away from his touch, but he was still beaming.

“Why not?” Harry asked, Niall looked a bit sad when Harry pulled away, but the smile on his lips remained.

"No, I don’t know, I haven’t been heard of since you suddenly left me and I didn’t know if you wanted to talk continue to talk with me after that." Niall smiled thinly and put his hand on his knee while staring at the TV.

"I didn’t know if you wanted to talk to me either, it was a bit awkward that night," Harry said with a sigh. It seemed that Niall had come to what his feelings were for Harry now and it boded no good, Harry was about to ( _maybe_ ) get something with Louis so he ignored his feelings he had for Niall right now.

"Complicated is just the beginning." Niall sighed and he looked at Harry with a dark gaze.   
"I like you Harry ... I've been thinking so much the past few days and I have found out that I actually have feelings for you..." He blushed. "Strong feelings," he added, smiling a happier smile.

Harry bit his lip and felt extremely uncomfortable, he took a few sips of his beer before he turned his eyes to Niall and smiled stiffly.

"I'm impressed that you come up with something like this great Niall, it's really not like you. Ever since the night we had together, you have changed and you have changed in a good way, but I'm afraid I probably can’t answer your feelings, not right now, anyway,” Harry said honestly and looked at him with soft eyes. Nialls face became paler.

"Not? Why not? Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to get up the courage to say this to you?! This is the hardest thing I've ever come up with and you’re dissing me just like that!” Niall growled hurt and angry with tears in his eyes. "How can you even do this to me?", he added, now crying.

Harry winced; he wasn’t used to Niall’s sudden mood swings.

"Niall, I have started..." Harry tried but Niall interrupted him by hitting the table.  
  
"Do not make excuses! I want to know why you do this to me! I thought you felt the same way!” Niall sobbed, very upset.   
  
Harry threw his arms around him and pulled him to his chest and dug his fingers softly into Niall’s bright curls.

"I'm still unclear about my feelings Niall but you should know that I am so incredibly proud of you, that you are not afraid to admit your feelings for me. You’re so good, and I like you so much," Harry whispered softly next Niall’s hair and stroked his back gently.

Niall shivered from sobbing in Harry’s arms, Harry mumbled "sorry" and continued to comfort him until he stopped crying.

"Sorry I yelled at you..." he murmured after a moment, he wiped his face with a piece of paper.  
"But... please contact me when you’ve cleared up your feelings? I have no desire to be…"

Harry interrupted him.

"I have feelings for someone else Niall..."

Niall looked at him with large red-rimmed eyes. "Who?" he asked before he raised his eyebrows, he had come up with who it was. His lips were pulled into a scornful smile.

"You're kidding Harold. Is it that cancer sick lad on the internet? You must be kidding me!” Niall grinned scornfully with raised eyebrows.

Harry frowned.  _It was you who helped me get to what I really felt..._

"I'm not kidding you Ni, I have feelings for him for real." Harry gave Niall a determined look.

Niall laughed loudly and mockingly, his eyes filled with tears of laughter.

Harry felt his anger bubbled up in him, why did not Niall believe him?!

Niall wiped away the tears from his eyes and grinned more at Harry.

"You know well that you will never ever have a chance on him?” Niall spat with a smothered laugh.

Harry felt the old wound in the chest opening and it spilled a few drops of blood, he hadn’t thought of that. Perhaps Louis was already occupied?

"He is a cancer sick celebrity! He has thousands of fans who read his blog every day and you think you might have a chance on him?! Stop dreaming Harry and open your eyes!" Niall growled and took a tight grip around Harry's hands.

"I'm here, can’t you see it? Louis is just someone who exist but someone you don’t know, he's not here with you as I’m, " said Niall with a softer voice, the grip on Harry's wrists eased up a bit.

Harry swallowed hard, a lump of grief had gathered in his throat and he desperately tried to swallow it away.

Niall caressed Harry's hands; he stroked his soft fingers over Harry's knuckles.

"I'm not trying to convince you or anything like that but consider the idea anyway... I'm here, Louis isn’t," murmured Niall, he leaned forward and kissed Harry's cheek before he stood up.   
"Thanks for the pizza and beer, talk to you soon." He went out of the apartment.

Harry looked confused after him while the lump in my throat just got bigger. Thousands of thoughts about Louis and Niall flowed around in his head and it was almost too much. He moaned from the sudden headache and placed his hands around his head, nausea came over him and he felt like throwing up. Tears pushed out of his eyes and he collapsed in a crying lump on the couch. He hadn’t cried this much in years as much as he had been crying the past few years and it seemed like it was just more tears for each day that passed.  
  
Harry cried for a few minutes before the tears suddenly disappeared. He slowly raised himself into sitting position and wiped his face with a handkerchief.

_Uh-huh…_  he thought gloomily and blew his nose before he went off to his room and picked up the computer. This Friday was not quite what he had in mind, he had thought that he and Niall would have a cozy, friendly evening but that hadn’t happened. He had to destroy everything as usual.

Harry sighed heavily and fixed his hair a little before he clicked up his email, an email from Louis was waiting there.

_Hey Hazza.  
I’m sorry I didn’t respond until now, almost a day after you sent your message. I've been busy with being pumped with medicines, the doctors are pumping more and more medication into me every day, it's getting a bit tiresome... Not just a little tiring, but very tiring. I don’t know if I can put up with this any longer. The medicines tire me and I get hallucinations and I’m constantly losing hair, however, they reduce the pain but I don’t want any more of it. The only thing I do is throw up and throw up until I fall asleep only to wake up again and throw up even more. I really just want to stop the medication and go home and spend my last three months or whatever it is left at home instead of here. I've been here long enough. Sorry it was such a tragic response to your e-mail..._ - Louis

Harry sighed sadly; he could understand how Louis felt, especially after what the doctors had said.

_Hello Louis.  
It’s no problem at all, I see you've been busy and I am glad to hear that you are feeling okay after all. Could you not ask the doctors about going home? You may be able to continue taking the medication at home? The vomiting sounds awful, I can’t say I know how you feel but I do know how horrible it is to throw up a lot. It doesn’t matter that it was a tragic email, I don’t feel so happy today, me neither, but it feels a little better now because I'm talking to you._ - Harry

Tinkle.

_I've been trying to get my wishes to go through with the doctors, I have even suggested medication at home but they have refused my application twice now. I'll try again tomorrow, wish me luck. My mom will not be so keen on trying one more time, she has been against it all the time because she thinks I get better care if I remain here in the hospital than if I lie at home, but I've been here for six months straight and it has only gotten worse so I'll really try to get my application through now. I'm glad to see you feel better when you’re talking with me, my mind eases up when I talk with you and I always smile whenever I see your name in my inbox. I'm glad you wanted to swap emails with me._  - Louis

Harry’s entire face happily lit up, "my mind easies up when I talk with you and I always smile whenever I see your name in my inbox." The words warmed right into the spinal cord of Harry, he began to write their answers.

_I will keep my fingers crossed for you tomorrow Louis, I really hope you get as you want, it is after all your body and **you**  should decide what you want to do during the time you have left. This may come suddenly but I have to know... Are you perhaps together with someone? I ask only out of curiosity._ - Harry

Tinkle.

_Thanks Hazza, it makes me happy in my soul and you are right in what you say. I'll really try to get them to listen to me tomorrow. That came a bit sudden yes, but it isn’t a problem at all, I don’t feel offended. I'm not with someone Hazza, to be honest; I've never been kissed or even touched. I've never been with anyone. How can that be? You are probably wondering. Well, I concentrated so much on the music and my career, so I had like no time for love. The job came first, so to speak, and I regret it a little bit today, but I couldn’t know when I started with the music that I would get sick but there are those bangs in life you just have to take._  - Louis

Harry's mouth was turned into an "o", Louis had never been kissed and never been touched. He was a virgin! Harry felt totally flabbergasted; he struck his hand against his forehead and shook his head. How could such a hottie and nice man that Louis was be a virgin and unkissed?! He didn’t understand it.

_That came as a shock, yes, but we are all different and you wanted to focus on music instead of love, and that's perfectly understandable._

Harry paused in his response; it struck him that he hadn’t listened to a single song by Louis yet.

_Damn_ , he thought stressed and surfed on to YouTube.

"Louis Tomlinson," he wrote in the search box and several options came up, including a cover of The Fray's ‘Look after you’. He clicked on the link and listened with all of his senses. When the song was finished, Harry felt that it burned a bit in his eyes; the cover had made his eyes tear up.

_When did I become so damn sensitive?_ , Harry thought angrily as he swept away the tears with his thumb. Louis voice belonged to an angel; Harry had never heard a finer voice than Louis’.

_That came as a shock, yes, but we are all different and you wanted to focus on music instead of love, and that's perfectly understandable. I just listened on your cover of The Fray's ‘Look after you.’ I am speechless. To be honest, I haven’t heard you sing before now and I have no words. You have the most beautiful voice in the world Louis. I have never ever in my 21-year life heard a more beautiful voice than yours. I am completely speechless (if you can be that in words)._  - Harry

Tinkle.

_Thank you Hazza, your words warms me so much. I'm sitting here in my uncomfortable hospital bed in the dark with tears in my eyes. Thank you very much, I really appreciate it!_  - Louis

Harry squeaked for joy and clapped his hands happily before he answered.

_I'm glad you appreciate it so much Louis and I mean every word I write, I hope you trust me._ \- Harry

Tinkle.

_Of course I trust you Hazza, why wouldn’t I? I understand if this sounds strange because we just started talking but I trust you completely. There is no one who has had this effect you had on me. I don’t know how to explain it really... It's hard to explain by text even though I think myself that I'm good at word_ s. - Louis

Harry's mouth dropped to the floor and he almost screamed of happiness and shock. They had just started talking and Louis relied on him already, how could this be possible?!

_I feel exactly like you Louis_ , Harry thought happily before he began writing his answer.

_It's kind of funny Louis, because I feel exactly the same as you. I also know that I trust completely in you and that there has never been anyone before that had had this effect on me... Would you like to... maybe meet some day? I understand it is difficult with your illness and all but you'll have to go outside every now and then? We could pinpoint your outdoor time (if you have one) with my job schedule so I can come by and say hi or something?_  - Harry

Harry earnestly hoped that Louis would not be frightened away by his message. Tinkle! Apparently not.

_How happy I am that our feelings are mutual. I think it sounds like a really good idea, but first I have to talk to my doctor about when I get to go home so we can decide on a date tomorrow when we meet. It would be best if we met when I got home but otherwise we will have to meet on any of my breaks I have, they are about 10 minutes long. Now I have to sadly put away the computer because I'm about to fall asleep because of the medicines but we will be talk tomorrow! It is so nice to talk to you Hazza, you make everything a little easier to bear._ \- Louis

It felt like Harry had wings. He rose like a feather from the couch and disappeared into his bedroom with the computer in his lap. He put the computer down on the bedside table and lay down in bed with a thud. This was probably the worst and the best night of Harry Styles entire life.


	6. Chapter 6

Harry stood nervously outside the gate to Louis apartment, he waited for Louis agent Paul to come down and get him. His heart was beating like a hammer in his chest, Harry swallowed hard and nervously wiggled on his toes inside his shoes. He had dressed in his finest clothes, which was a dark gray shirt that read ' _Hipsta please_ ' and all his tightest black jeans.

For the first time in years, he felt really handsome, he wasn't the same old Harry anymore. He had even combed his hair and fixed his bangs a bit with his kitchen scissors. 

Suddenly, he heard footsteps in the stairwell and he immediately straightened up and straightened the collar of his black coat. A fairly tall and heavy man with short dark hair came walking down the stairs, he typed a code on a small box and the door opened.

"Harry Styles?" he asked objectively and Harry nodded, too nervous to talk. Paul nodded, satisfied, and put a big hand on Harry's back and took him into the apartment.

"Mr.. Tomlinson lives on the third floor of a three room apartment," said Paul smiling as they walked up the stairs.

"Good," Harry got out of himself his voice was hoarse with nervousness.

Paul smiled kindly at him and they had suddenly arrived outside Louisville door. It was an ordinary door anyone could have, there was nothing that said 'here lives a cancer sick, wealthy musician' and Harry loved it, he loved that Louis didn't live richly.

Paul went to the door, knocked twice and opened it as a weak "yes" was heard from the inside of the door. Paul went into the apartment with a leap and undressed his thick jacket, Harry followed and inhaled the aroma of Louis abode. It smelled of pine needles and newly purchased flowers, Harry already loved the scent. He took off his black coat and hung it on the gallows before Paul put his hand on his back and guided him into the kitchen, where a tiny little guy, or rather a man sitting in a black and gray wheelchair. He had a gray, a little too big beanie over his head and a purple tight-fitting T-shirt, he also wore gray sweatpants.

Harry swallowed hard as he realized that this was the back of  _the_  Louis Tomlinson, his heart jumped when Louis placed his hands on both sides of the chair and turned to him. Harry was about to get a heart attack when he saw Louis front, the first thing he noticed was the light blue eyes that shone like stars in the pale face, the second he noticed were his pink shimmering soft lips that were shaped into a smile characteristically to Greek gods and the third he noticed was the chestnut brown hair that stuck out from under his beanie. Louis rolled to Harry and held out a thin, bony hand towards him.

"Hey Hazza, nice to meet you." Louis' voice was soft as velvet, it was the most beautiful voice Harry's ears had ever heard.

"H-hey Louis," said Harry hoarsely and took Louis hand gently in his gigantic hand. He shook Louis mini hand gently, afraid he'd crush it if he added too much pressure. Louis smiled softly at him, Harry's heart melted with that gleaming smile that made his whole world turn brighter than the sun.

"Want some coffee? Tea? A cookie? I have a bit of everything," said Louis softly and looked questioningly at Harry before he rolled off to an oblong, white pantry - he reached for the handle and was about to put his hand on the handle when his face suddenly wrinkled of pain. He groaned and held his arm around his stomach, Paul who had been watching them in the corner of the kitchen immediately came rushing in and quickly took hold of the wheelchair and drove Louis away to another room.

Harry's heart jumped up into his throat of horror, what was it that had happened?! He stood rigidly still, staring at the place where Louis stood for just a second ago. About ten minutes passed before Paul came back with a dismal face.

"Mr. Tomlinson overworked a little so he is in bed now, but he said that you are free to sit with him if you want. Did you want tea or coffee? I got it”, said Paul calmly.

Harry calmed down a bit but still felt very anxious about Louis, had he been over exhausted by just reaching for the handle?

"Tea please..." Harry said a bit frightened and looked grimly at Paul who smiled softly back.

"You do not need to worry, he's okay. Go in to him, I will make tea then." Paul took out two cups of Chinese porcelain and filled a red kettle with water from the tap.

"You just go out here from the kitchen and then to the right and his bedroom will be there," said Paul softly when he saw Harry's confused face. Harry nodded gratefully, and disappeared towards the Louis bedroom.

The door was slightly pulled back, but not closed, Harry knocked gently on the door and he heard a soft "come in". Harry stepped into the room, it was pretty dark in there; the curtains were drawn down but a small lamp was lit in the window. Harry heard a regular hissing sound from a device with a blinking light next to Louis bed where a small, black chair stood.

"Sit there," said Louis softly and Harry looked at him as he lay in bed. He looked small and weak, in one hand he held a gas mask and beside him stood a rack with an IV, a hose ran from the IV and into Louis' arm. Harry swallowed hard and sat down stiffly on the chair, he was not used to this kind of situation but he couldn't stop thinking that Louis was the most beautiful man he had ever seen.

"How are you?" Harry asked gently and looked at Louis beautiful face. Louis smiled thinly and suddenly, he looked very tired.

"Well it's okay, I'm sorry it turned out like this.” Louis looked sadly at Harry.

Harry felt a lump started growing in his throat to see Louis so sad.  
"It's okay Louis, you couldn't help this", Harry said at once, he didn't think Louis should feel guilty about something he couldn't control.

"Thank you, how happy I am that you don't get angry or anything," murmured Louis as an answer and smiled at Harry before he pressed the mask to his face and took a deep breath, the device connected to the mask gave a wheezy sound as an answer.

"What type of cancer do you have?" Harry asked curiously, hoping he was not too intrusive.

"I have cancer here and there but it started in the stomach and it have also spread to my lungs, which is why I have this mask, it helps me to breathe," said Louis easy, he breathed a bit in the mask.

Harry wiggled a little uneasily in his chair, he hated this, he hated that Louis had been affected by this terrible disease.

"I'm sorry," Harry mumbled as he stared at his rolling thumbs, tears burning in his eyes and he knew they would overflow if he looked at Louis. A bony hand was suddenly on Harry's kneecap and it felt like an electric shock went through Harry's body when Louis touched him.

"Don't be sorry, Harry, as you said, it's nothing I can do something about, and you can't do anything either. I'm trying to live in the present and not think so much ahead and I don't want anyone to be sad because of my illness," Louis whispered softly, Harry looked down at the little hand that stroked his leg, he bit his lip and put his hand on top of Louis hand and then turned his attention to Louis, caught his eyes with his own.

"Then I will try to live in the present, too," he said in a thick voice, and Louis smiled at him, the crinkles around his eyes showed up. Harry's heart fluttered up into his throat and out through his mouth when he saw that smile, the air went out of him and he gasped for breath.

Louis gave him a worried look, but still wore a smile on his lips.  
"Excuse me... I was struck by your beauty," muttered Harry, his cheeks flushed red.

_You idiot! How could you say that?! Now he won't want to be with you more!_ Growled Harry's subconscious angrily at him with his arms crossed.  
Louis blinked in surprise a few times but the smile on his lips remained, and it only got bigger the more he looked at Harry.

"Thanks... I find no words..." said Louis embarrassed, he had fixed his gaze on their now linked hands. It had happened without Harry even noticed it, he cleared his throat and made an attempt to remove his hand, but Louis squeezed gently, and Harry realized that he meant that he wanted to keep Harry's hand in his.

There were a few awkward minutes of silence, their hands were still linked together and they exchanged embarrassed glances at each other while the feeling of electricity kicked between them. Harry had never experienced anything in the likeness of this before and he was more than happy, words could not describe what he felt right now that he was Louis' hand in his, like a fragile baby bird. Louis blue sea colored eyes looked into Harry's green forests.

"The hair that sticks out of your hat, is that your real hair?" Harry asked silently to break the silence, he regretted it as soon as he said it, maybe he hurt Louis now?

Louis shook his head slowly.  
  
"No, it's not my real hair, it's a wig though it looks just like my real hair," said Louis softly, his eyes were alert as he looked at Harry.

"I suspected that, sorry if you were offended, I didn't mean it," Harry apologized sheepishly, he looked at Louis beanie, he wanted to take it off together with the wig and caress Louis head under it.

"No, no, I wasn't offended. I understand that you wonder and think it's my real hair. I paid a lot for this wig”, smiled Louis and took off his hat to show his hair.

"My hair actually looks just like this," he said proudly, pulling his hand through the wig. "I miss my real hair, however, the wig itches sometimes," he added with a sigh.

"I can understand that you do. Let's hope it grows out soon”, Harry said hopefully and smiled at Louis who smiled back.

"Yeah..."

Paul came in with tea and biscuits and placed it on the table that stood beside Louis bed.

"Do you want something more Mr. Tomlinson and Mr. Styles? " Paul asked nicely and looked at them both with questioning eyes. Louis shook his head.

"No, Paul, I'll ping if I need anything."

"Of course." Paul nodded and walked out of the room.

Harry took his cup of tea and drank a few sips while he watched Louis who also drank some of his tea. Harry placed the cup on the table and leaned back in his chair.

"What are you going to do now when you finally are at home?" Harry asked when Louis had finished drinking.

"I don't know, just take it easy and enjoy to finally be here in my own bed and my own apartment. Maybe I'll record a new song, it all depends on whether I can or not... " He said the last thing in a sorrowful voice, Harry thought he could see tears glistening in his eyes. Harry's heart broke into a million pieces by seeing tears in his eyes Louis. Harry coaxed his fingers inside Louis fingers and smiled as gently as he could for him.

"It will be fine, you will have time to record your songs," murmured Harry softly as he closed his hand on Louis' as he tried to swallow away the lump that grew larger in the throat.

Louis smiled thinly to answer, but the smile didn't reach his eyes, Harry thought he might have gone through this several times, persuaded himself the things he wants to do before he disappears.  
"It will be okay ..." Harry tried consoling while he caressed Louis hand gently, his heart was beating a thousand beats per second of excitement and infatuation.

Louis pressed the mask to the face and took a few deep breaths before he laid it aside.

"Yes, one can always hope for the best, I try to think positively as I can anyway," sighed Louis, his gaze drifted toward their linked hands and he smiled a small smile to himself.

"It's really good and you are very strong to do it Louis," Harry said proudly, he swelled with pride. Louis was really someone to look up to.

"Thanks Hazza, it means so much that you think that of me ..." whispered Louis with his velvety voice. "It's just you and my family who have believed this much in me... This might sound a bit strange because we just met and so on but you are my first and only friend."

"And I do not expect Paul as a friend," he added quietly after a few minutes.  
Harry's eyes grew as big as saucers, he was Louis first and only friend?! That couldn't be true!

"Wow ... I'm speechless," Harry said awkwardly, he held a harder but still softer grip on Louis hand. He honestly didn't know what to say.

Louis beamed and held Harry's hand tighter in his.  
"Now that you know it... Would you... maybe... like... to..." he paused and stared down at Harry's legs.

Harry swallowed hard, heart pounding like a bongo drum in his chest. He knew what Louis was looking for but he really wanted to hear it from Louis' own mouth, to hear him say it. Just the thought that Louis would ask him something made blood rush down  _there_.

_Oh, come on, you fucking pervert! You can't sit and get horny for a cancer sick man you just met! Straight up for fuck sake!_ , his subconscious screamed angrily at him, the hardness between his legs went down a bit in response.

"Do what, Louis?" Harry asked in a hoarse, husky voice, he held Louis hand in a firm grip and hoped that his hand sweat wouldn’t bother Louis.

"Kiss me Hazza," Louis whispered, his voice was as sweet as a butterfly's wings. Harry's world suddenly went into slow motion as he slowly leaned forward towards Louis and pressed his lips gently against Louis' soft lips. As soon as their lips met, every nerve cell in Harry's body crackled and he thought it was the same for Louis because he suddenly had drawn quickly for breath through his nose. Harry placed one of his hands on the back of Louis' head and dug his fingers into the wig's hair and pressed gently with his hand so Louis came closer to him. Harry kissed him lightly and tried to breathe normally, but it was hard when he was so close to an angel. Louis placed his bony hand around Harry's neck and held on Harry's shirt with the other hand, he pressed his lips desperately against Harry's as if his life depended on it, and Harry wondered if he would make the kiss deeper when Louis suddenly bit Harry's bottom lip in a attempt to do it himself.

Harry snatched by the sudden pain and recoiled, he felt something warm and wet runninv down his chin. He put his fingers on the lip, and discovered that it was bleeding, he licked his lips and looked softly at Louis who looked terrified.

"F-forgive me I-I was just …"

Harry shook his head and gently placed a finger against Louis lips to make him silent.

"It's okay, the first time is not always the best," he smiled softly and licked the blood off his now swollen lower lip before he leaned forward and kissed Louis silky lips. Louis kissed back gently, he placed his hand on Harry's back and pushed gently pushed him closer to him while he was trying to keep the kiss between them. Harry stuck out his tongue and slowly licked over Louis lips, he asked to get into Louis' mouth.

Louis opened his mouth gently and Harry crawled tentatively in with his tongue, Louis tasted strawberries and mint tablets, Harry thought it was the most delicious taste he had ever tasted. He closed his arms around Louis torso and pulled him even closer to his chest while they continued to make out. Louis touched gently on his tongue and Harry snaked his tongue around it as he moved his arm in under Louis legs and lifted him up in his arms. It was kind of like holding a baby, Louis weighed almost nothing and he had little difficulty with balance but Harry held him steady.

They continued kissing for several minutes until Louis suddenly made a sharp inhale through the nostrils and pressed his hands against Harry's chest. Harry broke the kiss and looked questioningly at Louis, it felt like he was swimming around in a fog of redundant impressions and feelings, he had never felt this happy before.  
"The mask", Louis wheezed and fumbled with his hands after the plastic mask; Harry held him in a tight grip as he reached for his mask and gave it to Louis.

Louis took a few deep breaths and breathed easier when he put it down. Harry beamed and held one of his hands.

"Thank you for... the kiss. I have gone through such a thing before," he admitted with red cheeks. Harry almost got diabetes at how cute Louis was.

"You're welcome Lou, it was very special," smiled Harry, his fingers danced over Louis knuckles. "We can do it again some other time if you want," added Harry, blushing slightly.

"Are we together now?" Louis asked suddenly without responding to Harry's earlier proposal.

Harry shrugged almost in surprise and looked surprised at Louis; did even  _know_  what it meant? Moreover, it was almost too good to be true, the fact was that everything that had happened today was too good to be true. Harry could hardly believe that they had made out just a minute ago, it was like something out one of his fantasies.

"Uhm ... Well it depends on how you want it," said Harry quietly and nervously scratched the back of the head while he kept his eyes fixed on Louis.

Louis smiled childishly at him and nodded.

"I understand if you think that there have been too much that happened at the same time and if you don't want to be with me but what we did... It was just so special. I have never experienced something like that before and I would like to continue with it," said Louis suddenly, his eyes sparkled happily as he looked at Harry.

"I understand exactly what you mean, I've never felt anything like this before either, and... I would very much like to be with you. We clicked as well... And to be honest, I've been very fond of you all the time, ever since I started following your blog," Harry replied honestly, his heart fluttered like a little hummingbird his chest of pure bliss.

Louis grip on Harry's hand became harder and he beamed at Harry, for a second, he looked nothing like the fragile cancer sick man Harry first met.

"Then we say so! We can at least try dating," Louis smiled and Harry nodded.

"Gladly," said Harry happily and twisted his long arms around Louis body and hugged him as hard as he dared. This was the start of something new.


	7. Chapter 7

The first month

Snow had begun to fall over the streets, it was the seventh of December and Harry was on his way to the store to buy some food for the evening. He would spend the evening at Louis’ home and he had never longed for something more before, they had started dating for real now, and Harry wondered if he would move in temporarily with Louis and rent out an apartment in the meantime.

I’ll ask him when I get there, Harry thought happily as he walked through the doors.

-

“Now I am here,” Harry shouted cheerfully and kicked the snow off his feet, he walked into the kitchen where Louis sat with a cup of tea in his small hands at the kitchen table. Paul stood in the corner of the kitchen just behind Louis and watched over him with a calm gaze.

Harry went to the fridge and put the alcoholic free apple cider he bought before he endorsed Louis and put his arms around him.

“Hello …” murmured Harry softly near Louis’ ear and kissed his cheek.

“Hello,” Louis smiled back and glanced back at him with a smile.

“I bought some pre-grilled chicken and I thought I’d cook pasta for dinner, sounds good?” Harry asked lovingly as he hugged him softly.

“Oh that sounds really good,” said Louis, turning the wheelchair, he leaned his face to Harry’s and Harry knew at once what he wanted.

Harry leaned down to Louis face and kissed him tenderly, he dug his hand in Louis hair and kissed him deeper without bothering that Paul stood and watched them. Louis put his thin arms around Harry’s neck and pulled him down, wished that Harry would sit on his lap. Harry frowned uneasily on his forehead and broke the kiss gently.

“I’m too heavy for you my angel,” murmured Harry sweetly and stroked Louis hair.

Louis pouted dissatisfied with his lips but nodded.

“Okay then,” he said softly and took Harry’s hand.

Harry smiled softly at him and kissed his forehead before he looked at his wristwatch.

“Should I start with the food?” Harry asked.

“Yeah that sounds good. I’m hungry,” Louis smiled, he was still holding Harry’s hand in a tight grip while he looked softly at him.

“If I’m going to start cooking, you have to let me go,” Harry laughed softly, Louis looked embarrassed at him and dropped his hand reluctantly.

“Sorry,” he apologized, embarrassed but Harry shook his head and softly kissed his forehead.

“You have nothing to apologize for,” he whispered tenderly before he went to the fridge and took out the stuff he needed and started to cook pasta with chicken mix.

Just weeks after Harry had visited Louis for the first time, Louis had begun to be able to eat normal food again, it was as though Harry’s presence helped Louis to become healthier, but deep down Harry knew it was just a coincidence, it had probably occurred anyway with or without Harry.

Harry was finished with the food, he set table while he whistled happily and spun Louis one lap in the wheelchair before he placed him beside him at the table. He put up a piece of chicken and a half ladle pasta to Louis and Louis began to eat carefully with small bites. During the meal, they laughed and talked about various things, including what to do for Christmas.

“Are you going to celebrate Christmas with your family or something?” asked Louis with questioning blue eyes.

Harry shook his head, his eyes darkened before he answered.

“No, I haven’t celebrated Christmas with my family in quite a few years. Family feuds,” Harry replied with a shrug, he took up a piece of chicken with his fork and ate.

“I understand,” Louis replied with a nod. He kept his eyes on Harry for a moment before he opened his mouth again.

“Would you like to spend Christmas with me, my mother and my sisters over in Doncaster?” Louis looked almost pleadingly at Harry, and Harry couldn’t imagine saying no even if he would be offered all the money in the world, he had hoped for this and wanted nothing more than to celebrate Christmas with Louis and his family.

“Of course I want that Louis, it’s an honor that you ask,” said Harry happily and took Louis’ small hand that lay relaxed on the table next to his plate.

“Oh, I’m so glad!” Louis shone like a sun, Harry’s heart itched from joy at seeing Louis so happy. He leaned across the table and kissed Louis tenderly.

Louis returned the kiss tenderly, he had become much better at kissing after they had met last time. Harry placed his hand behind Louis’ head and kissed him harder for a moment before he broke the kiss and kissed lightly on Louis nose tip with a silly smile on his face.

“Eat now,” he said softly and leaned back in the chair to continue eating. Louis started eating again, after a few minutes they were both finished with eating.

“What would you like to do now?” Harry asked as he held his big hand around Louis’ smaller.

Louis looked pondered for a moment, he shrugged his shoulders while his face shone with joy.

“Anything, as long as I’m with you,” he smiled softly in response and kissed Harry’s fingers.

Harry leaned over the table and stroked Louis soft cheek with the top of his fingers.

“We can do whatever you want Louis, just what you want,” Harry murmured lovingly.

Louis thought for a moment before he came up with what he wanted.

“We can check out the Christmas decorations in town and then buy roasted almonds? I haven’t eaten roasted almonds or seen Christmas decorations in like a year now!” Louis suggested, his eyes beaming with joy.

“Of course!”, Harry smiled happily and took Louis to the hall and began to dress in their outerwear.

Paul came along shortly after him and stopped in front of Louis and sank down on his haunches.

“Sir, you have to be home by 6:30 and take your medicine, you must also wrap up warm. It’s cold today, ” said Paul sternly, like a father.

Harry looked at them with a raised eyebrow and wondered what Paul had in relation to Louis really, he made a note in his brain for later.

“Of course Paul, don’t worry,” said Louis softly while Harry dressed him in a thick black scarf, gray cap and a thick dark blue winter jacket with fluffy white fur on each side of the zipper.

“You’re so handsome!” Harry said fascinated when Louis was dressed, he looked like a statue created by Michelangelo with the dark blue jacket and gray beanie, all set really perfect for him. It was like all the clothes he had were created solely for his body.

“Thanks Hazza, you too,” replied Louis with ruddy cheeks, Harry was about to yell at how cute Louis was when he was embarrassed but he stopped the impulse. Louis was all Harry ever wanted and he couldn’t understand that Louis belonged to him, or at that he was dating him at least.

Paul suddenly disappeared into the kitchen and rattled with something before he came back.

“I’ll take you into town,” he said lightly before he disappeared off to Louis bedroom.

“But Paul, I live only three blocks from Oxford Street,” cried Louis outraged after him, Paul’s head stuck out of the doorway, he had a big grin on his face.

“I know sir, but I dare not let you loose on the subway, I feel safer if I transport you. Additionally, you must have this,” he said, and came out of the room with something that looked like a tube a diver would use though it was stuck in a position that you could attach anywhere.

“No, do I really?” Louis asked childishly, he crossed his arms over his chest. “I don’t want to look more cancer sick than I already do Paul, please, do I really need that?” he asked with a pouty lower lip.

Paul came walking towards them and nodded.

“You have to, otherwise I will not allow you to go out,” said Paul determined.

Louis rolled his eyes but let Paul attach the tube behind his wheelchair, he was going to put the oxygen tube in Louis nose too but Louis shook his head and fixed it himself.

“Shall we go then?” Harry asked smile to lighten the mood. He didn’t like when Louis was down this way, but he was happy that Paul still got him to agree to have the hose any way. He didn’t want Louis health getting worse by not using the things he needed.

“Yes,” replied Louis excited and they went out of the apartment and took the elevator down to the garage.

Harry felt excited, it was the first time he would have to travel by car together with Louis and go to town with him, and it felt absolutely amazing. They were actually out on a sort of date, and Harry felt a shuddering in his whole body of joy, it felt like he had little bees buzzing around inside him and he wondered if Louis felt the same.

Paul opened the rear doors of the car and asked Harry to step inside, Harry looked at him questioningly.

“Should not I help?” he asked, looking at Paul with raised eyebrows.

Paul smiled at him.

“No, you don’t need to help with anything. Sit down, I will take care of everything,” he said and drove Louis to the left side of the car. He opened the door and lifted gently into Louisville with the tube in the front seat and closed the door behind him, then he sat in the driver’s seat and started to drive out of the garage.

During the trip Harry and Louis looked at each other through the rear-view mirror as a teenage couple, they smiled at each other and flirted with each other throughout the journey to the heart of London.

-

Paul parked near Oxford Street and helped Louis out of the car and into the wheelchair before he drove away.

“Half seven,” said Paul before he left.  
Harry grabbed hold of the handles of the wheelchair and they went down along Oxford Street together, there were Christmas decorations in every window with stars, Christmas trees, mannequins dressed in winter clothes and other Christmas-related things. They went into Harrods and looked at the different things they sold there, then they went to Hamley’s.

“I have not been here since I was a child!” Louis howled happily and watched with fascinated eyes around on the first floor which was filled with stuffed animals.

A happy bird fluttered around in Harry’s stomach, he really loved to see Louis this happy, it filled him with hope that Louis might live a little longer than 3-4 months, because a good laugh prolongs life, right?

Harry leaned down over Louis with his hands on his shoulders and glanced at him with a smile.

“To what animal would you go first and watch?” he asked, close to Louis’ ear and kissed Louis cheek.

“I want to look at that giraffe!” Louis said cheerfully, pointing to a large stuffed giraffe lying on the top shelf of one of the many shelves that were scattered in the giant parlor.

“Of course!” Harry laughed, he rolled Louis immediately to the giraffe, he positioned himself right in front of it on tiptoes and tried to reach it but to no avail, Louis laughed at him.

“Hazza you won’t reach it no matter how you try, and I don’t think you will be able to carry it down either. Get someone to help you take it down instead!” Louis grinned happily and Harry nodded, Louis was right.

Harry quickly hurried away, and got hold of a red dressed Hamley’s staff.

“What can I do for you?” she said with a radiant smile, Harry thought she reminded him a bit of Alice.

“Oh, well, my…” Harry was about to say boyfriend, but were they really together? He knew they were dating but he was not really sure if they were together. He made a note in his head of what he would ask Louis later. “My friend,” Harry corrected himself “wants to check out the giraffe over there,” he said, pointing to the shelf where the giraffe was. “Could you help me get it down?” he asked nicely.

The girl nodded. “Of course,” she said happily and followed Harry to Louis and giraffe on the shelf.

She had brought a big stick with a hook on the end to take down the giraffe. She reached up to the shelf and took down the giraffe gently, she put it next to Louis who had eyes as big as saucers. He looked like a kid on Christmas Eve. The girl frowned for a moment as she looked at Louis and Harry instinctively put his hand on Louis shoulder, he wouldn’t allow anything or anyone to hurt him.

“Wait … I recognize you,” said the girl, her eyes surveyed Louis from head to toe. “You’re Louis Tomlinson!” she cried suddenly. “I MUST have your autograph! Wait, I’ll get a piece of paper!” she ran away as happy and bright as the sun.

“Oh no, I have drawn attention to me,” said Louis stressed and looked anxiously around.

“What Louis? You don’t mind?” Harry asked with a worried look, he grabbed hold of the handles of the wheelchair. “You want to go out from here?” he asked when he discovered that the people around them were watching them.

“I want to buy the giraffe first,” said Louis quickly, Harry heard in horror how Louis had trouble breathing because of the stress.

“Then we will fix that,” said Harry quickly and threw the giraffe over his shoulder and hurried to the checkout, he payed the animal with Louis’ credit card.

People had started piling up around them now, and some girls screamed for autographs, Louis condition got worse, he sounded like a sick old man with his wheezing breathing.

“Can’t you see he’s sick? Let us be!” Harry growled at the crowd as he rushed towards the door with the giraffe and Louis wheelchair. The crowd moved on but still came after them once they come out of the parlor, some photographed them.

“Can you leave us or what?” Harry growled angrily, Louis could hardly breathe now and Harry was about to panic.

“Autograph! Please Louis!” Shouted some girls in chorus, the crowd massed around Harry and Louis, Harry looked in fear at how Louis just became paler and paler.

“You who read his blog should understand that he is ill!” Harry roared angrily at them but they didn’t not listen, they continued to scream hysterically and crowd around them.

“Louis, your phone, give it to me,” Harry said quickly to Louis.

Louis dug for his phone in his pocket and gave it to Harry with a trembling hand. Harry looked up the number to Paul, called him and told him what had happened. Paul told them that they would need to push through the crowds and then move to the end of Oxford Street so that he could most easily pick them up. Harry obeyed him and hurried away with the giraffe and Louis away towards the end of Oxford street. Paul was already there, ready to pick them up. He helped Louis into the car and drove home to Louis apartment.

-

“I think you have to go now mr. Styles. Sir Tomlinson is very tired right now and he needs to rest,” said Paul seriously once they come home to Louis’ apartment. He had put Louis in his bed with his gas mask and an IV in his arm. Louis was already fast asleep, his forehead was wrinkled in deep folds of concern. Harry swallowed hard and looked anxiously at him.

“But we never finished looking at the Christmas decorations or buy roasted almonds or anything of what we had planned,” said Harry with deep disappointment while he was soft on Louis hand. He had not had time to ask all the things he wanted to ask either…

“Unfortunately, you would have to do it another day mr. Styles. Unfortunately I have to send you home now,” said Paul firmly and laid his heavy hand on Harry’s shoulder and nearly knocked him out of the apartment. “Sir Tomlinson will contact you when he feels better,” said Paul shortly before he closed the door.

Harry stood there with big eyes and a hole in his chest of disappointment. He sighed disappointingly and started walking down the stairs with heavy steps. Nothing had been as he had thought, and he hoped that Louis would feel better soon so that they could meet so Harry could ask him his questions.

Harry went with grim step towards Underground and took the tube home. When he came home, he went right to bed and slept the rest of the evening.


	8. Chapter 8

**The first month**

A week had passed since Harry last had been with Louis and he hadn’t heard a peep from him since, nor had he updated his blog or sent emails. Harry feared the worst; that Louis had passed away and every time Harry had tried to imagine that he might was gone, his body began to shake and a big lump of sadness gathered in his throat.

Harry shook his head and tried to convince himself that Louis wasn’t gone yet, but it bothered him that he hadn’t heard from him in such a long while. His condition had been so bad the last time they met, and it worried him that he hadn’t been allow to look how he was doing for Paul before he returned home.

Harry sighed heavily and pulled his hands over his face, everything felt so heavy - Louis was missing in action and he hadn’t heard from Niall in over a week. He moved his hand a little on his pocket and wondered if he would take up the phone and make a call to Niall and ask if they could hang out tonight and get drunk, and just forget about everything that had to do with Louis at the moment but he knew deep down that it wasn’t a good idea. But he kept going mad with desire for Louis and if he got drunk and met up with Niall he knew it wouldn’t end up in a good way... but at the same time, he wanted to meet someone and get human contact. He was addicted to it, he needed to feel another person's presence around him because without it, he wasn’t feeling any good.

Human contact was nothing he had bothered about before the night he had with Niall, when he had woke up the next morning he had noticed that something inside him had been opened, something that had been closed for a long time. When he met Louis, the little shell inside him had opened even more to the point that it wouldn’t close again and he needed closeness, he needed Louis presence more than anything else right now.

_I can text him..._  he thought, and turned on the computer before he took the phone out of his pocket. He searched for "Louis Tomlinson" in the search field on find.com but he couldn’t find the number, it seemed that it was private. Harry sighed angrily and punched his fist on the table out of frustration. He was getting mad with worry and frustration at not having heard from Louis in seven days.

_Maybe I can get hold of Paul's number ..._  he thought hopeful and typed "Paul Higgins" in the search box instead but nothing came up.

Harry growled and furiously pulled down the screen to the computer, the only thing he could do now was to hope Louis himself would call him or update his blog. Just  _something_. He got up from the bed and decided to go for a walk through Hyde Park to calm down.

-

Harry sank into the couch with your lap after he got back from the walk, he turned on the TV before he opened the screen to the computer and surfed onto Louis blog, he hadn’t updated since the last time Harry had read it and the worry-monster writhed around in his stomach.

Harry put his hand on his stomach to calm down the monster in there but it just kept turning and Harry felt a sudden nausea rearing in his throat; he ran from the TV room and into the bathroom and crouched in front of the toilet to wait for vomit but no vomit came up. Harry sank panting and sweaty down on the floor by the toilet and huddled together into a ball with his arms tightly wrapped around his stomach.

_Louis... I need you..._  he thought dejectedly before he passed out.

-

"Harry? Harry wake up! "

Harry opened his eyes and stared into a pair of troubled dark blue eyes, a warm hand stroked softly over Harry's left cheek.

"Oh Harry, hello, how are you?" Niall asked uneasily and helped Harry up on his legs, Harry wobbled and Niall helped him sit down on the edge of the bath. Niall squatted down in front of Harry, his fingers stroked Harry's hands and his eyes looked worriedly at Harry.

"Harry answer me, how are you? I was just passing by so I just wanted to check to you, I haven’t heard from you in a while now so I thought I'd pop in and then I saw you lying here on the floor” Niall murmured anxiously while he stroked Harry's hands softly.

Harry looked confused at Niall; he couldn’t remember what had happened.

"I felt sick, and then I must have passed out," muttered Harry as an answer, he frowned and scratched his head.  _Louis…_  he thought uneasily.

Niall put a hand on Harry's forehead. "You are a little hot; do you want to go to the hospital?" Niall asked, his fingers wrapped themselves in Harry's curls.

Harry shook his head, he didn’t really felt like going to the hospital right now, he wanted to huddle down under the covers in his bed and cry for an eternity.

"Okay, you want to lie in bed then?" said Niall, he grabbed hold of Harry's hand and pulled it.

"Yes, I do," mumbled Harry tired, he didn’t recognize his own voice - it was hoarse and rough.

"Come then," said Niall softly and helped Harry to the bedroom, once there he bedded down Harry under the covers.

"Do you want anything? Food or tea or something?”, Niall asked tenderly, he sat at the side of the bed on a chair he had brought in from the kitchen.

Harry shook his head, most of all, he wanted Niall to go home, he didn’t want to be with him right now. The only thing he wanted with him was Louis and he didn’t even know if Louis was still alive.

"Okay, try to sleep, I'll be here all the time and make sure nothing happens," assured Niall happily, he was still holding Harry's hand in his and stroked it gently with his fingertips.

Harry wished only that Niall could disappear from there; he pulled his hand away and turned around so he wasn’t facing Niall and pulled the blanket over his head as a small child. He heard Niall sighing a disappointed sigh, but he didn’t actually care.

"Niall, can you just go home?" Harry asked with a sour voice, he had turned around and now he was looking at Niall with his green eyes.

Niall raised his eyebrows and cocked his head. "Why?" he asked, disappointed.

"Because I want to be alone," said Harry honestly.

Niall raised his eyebrows; his tongue licked his lips before he answered.

"Why, then, Harry? You feel sick and I found you unconscious. I'd rather not leave you alone." Niall looked specifically at him with his arms crossed.

Harry sighed irritably inside.

"I feel better now, can you go?" asked Harry.

Niall snorted angrily.

"Why are you so rude Harry? Why haven’t you called me or anything?" he asked, clearly irritated.

"Because I don’t want you here! I want to be alone!” Harry growled angrily without thinking about what he said. "And you haven’t heard from me because I've been with my boyfriend," Harry added proudly with a grin on his face. He didn’t care that he and Louis might not be together, but they were dating at least.

Niall gave him a shocked look.

"Boyfriend? Who? he snorted, it was clear that he was already jealous and Harry loved it, he loved to see Nialls eyes darken with envy.

"Louis Tomlinson, the cancer sick blogger." Harry replied with an even bigger grin.

Nialls eyebrows rose even more, and his eyes got bigger.

"Huh? Are you serious? You live in a fantasy Harry. You are not together! You are just lying!" Niall growled angrily and stood up excitedly. His whole body was tense.

Harry almost laughed at Nialls reaction.

"Why would I lie Niall?" Harry snarled angrily and Niall stamped his foot to the floor in anger.

"Because you live in a fantasy! Louis and you're not together!" Niall growled in response, he raised his arm as if he was preparing to punch Harry.

"Ha-ha! We are togehter! I was at his home a week ago and we went for a spin around town! We were dating Niall! Didn’t you see the article in the newspaper? What is it that is so hard to understand?” Harry growled angrily, now he was dead straight up with his body tense as well.

"In the newspaper? Why were you in the paper?" Niall hissed angrily, he flexed his arm even more, and Harry was preparing for a battle.

"Because the fans started to pile up around us and Louis had a panic attack, also it was  _the_  Louis Tomlinson out in town which he hadn’t been in six months and he had me with him, his  _boyfriend_!" Harry's smile had transformed from a grin to a mean wolf grin.

Nialls eyes darkened, Harry suddenly felt a burning pain on his cheek where Niall had punched him, a hot streak of blood trickled down his cheek.

Harry stared angrily mixed with surprise at Niall; he knew when Niall was angry that he was a little more violent than usual, but even though Niall had tensed his muscles, Harry didn’t think he would ever dare to beat him, especially when he was ill.

"Out. Of. My. Apartment", growled Harry with a strong emphasis on each word, Niall turned on his heel without a word, and disappeared out of the apartment with a bang.

Harry breathed a sigh of relief and crawled out of bed to put on a bandage over the wound. When he was finished, he sank back down in bed with the covers over himself and the phone in his hand. He typed in the number to directory assistance, and after an hour of searching, he got hold of Louis number. He decided to text him because he didn’t dare to call him, afraid that he might disturb him.

_Hello Louis. How are you? It's been a while since I heard from you. I hope I haven’t done anything wrong so that we can’t meet again... Please let me know as soon as you get this. It took an hour to get your number._  - Harry

After a few minutes of waiting, Harry’s phone vibrated merrily and Harry saw that he had received an answer; his heart skipped a beat in his chest.

_Hello Harry. It is Paul who is texting. I have read your message for Mr. Tomlinson and he would like you to come over right now. He told me to pick you up. Will this work for you?_

_Hello Paul. Of course it is fine. This is my address._  Harry wrote his address; Paul said that he would be there in a few minutes.

Harry hurried out of bed and went into the bathroom to take a quick shower, when he was finished, he went back to his bedroom and put on clothes. A few minutes after he got dressed, he heard a light knock on the door. He hurried to get dressed in his outerwear and shoes and opened the door. Paul stood in the doorway and smiled at him.

"Follow me, Mr. Styles then we go to Mr. Tomlinson” Paul said formally and Harry followed him out to the car.

-

Harry took off his outer clothing, and went with Paul to Louis room. At Louis side sat a tall, pretty young man, maybe a year older than Harry with brown cropped hair and dark brown eyes, dressed in a white coat and a stethoscope around his neck. Harry raised his eyebrows and felt a pang of jealousy, who the hell was that?

"Hey Hazza, how are you?" Louis asked in a weak voice, he looked much paler than he did a week ago and he had heavy bags under his eyes. The oxygen hose was inserted into his nose. "Sit down," Louis added and gestured toward the chair that stood beside the man dressed in white. Harry sat down and looked at the man and then at Louis.

The man held out a hand and beamed at Harry.

"Hello Mr. Styles, my name is Dr. Liam Payne and I am Louis private doctor,” said Dr. Liam Payne with a radiant smile and shook Harry's hand gently.

Harry drew a relieved breath, it was just his doctor.

"Hello Mr. Payne, I'm Harry”, Harry replied smiling, he then turned his gaze towards Louis.

"Please Mr. Styles; call me Liam," Liam insisted softly, Harry already liked him.

A soft hand closed around Harry’s hand.

"How are you?" Louis asked tenderly, he traced his fingers over Harry's knuckles, shivers ran down Harry’s spine because of Louis’ touch. He had longed so much after Louis.

"Oh yes its good, how are you? I've been worried sick," Harry blurted out, his cheeks heated slightly when Louis's face lit up.

"It's okay with me, I'm sorry for what happened last time we met. I can’t handle large crowds and it was simply too much for me. My condition worsened and Paul hired Liam here to be here and take care of me if I need it, so I don’t have to end up in the hospital,” said Louis, his voice was like honey to Harry's ears. "What happened there?" Louis asked anxiously when he discovered the large bruise on Harry's cheek.

"I ... tripped,” Harry lied.

"You clumsy boy," Louis grinned happily; he brought Harry's fingers to his mouth and kissed his index finger.

Harry was almost dying of all emotions he felt, he just wanted to make out with Louis against the bed frame NOW but he didn’t dare to do anything now when both Liam and Paul were in the same room.

Louis looked at Liam and Paul. "You can go out now, I’ll ping if I need something," said Louis, the two men nodded and disappeared out of the room.

Louis turned to Harry and a sweet smile formed on his lips.

"Kiss me Hazza," he murmured tenderly, his mouth was half open and Harry felt how it was getting tighter in his pants. Everything with Louis drove him to madness.

Harry leaned against Louis' face and placed his lips on Louis' lips, he gently pressed his tongue into Louis already opened mouth and slowly tasted him while he snaked his hand around Louis's neck. Oh how he longed to kiss Louis, it felt like an eternity they had kissed the last time. Louis mewled softly when Harry put his hand on his thigh, Louis spread his legs so Harry would have better access and Harry moved slowly over to the bed with the kiss still locked between them. He lay gently over Louis hot body with his arms as support; he didn’t want to put all his weight over Louis' body. The heat that radiated from Louis' body felt like sunlight. Louis was Harry sunlight; the thought of this made Harry’s eyes tear up. They continued to kiss slowly and lovingly, Harry had wrapped his fingers inside Louis' wig’s hair, he caressed the plastic soft curls, while his other hand slowly began to unbutton the buttons on Louis shirt.

Louis moaned softly when his buttons were undone; Harry broke the kiss to look at Louis's body. It was the most beautiful body Harry had ever seen, despite all surgical scars Louis had, the thing Harry liked most with Louis's body was his slightly protruding tummy; he stroked it gently with his hand, which almost took over his whole stomach. Louis looked longingly at him.

"Hazza... I like you so much..." murmured Louis as he looked at Harry.

Harry beamed and kissed the tip of his nose.

"I like you so much too. I missed you so much. I thought I’d never see you again…” Harry muttered honestly, he drew lines across Louis's chest.

"Why did you do that?" Louis asked a bit worried, Harry could feel his hand started unbuttoning Harry's shirt, it made him smile that Louis wanted this just as much as him.

"Because I hadn’t heard anything from you and I thought something happened to you," murmured Harry and helped Louis with the last button, he threw down both his own shirt and Louis shirt on the floor. Now, they were skin to skin, and Harry loved it, he loved to feel Louis warm skin against his, and to feel Louis heart beating fast, like a bird's wings against his own heart.

"I'm sorry I haven’t called you Hazza, but I just felt so bad. It will not happen again,” Louis apologized, he closed his hands on Harry's neck and pulled him closer to his face, Harry could feel his warm breath against his face.

"It's okay Louis, we're together now and everything is fine," Harry whispered and caught Louis with his lips again and kissed him as tenderly as he could. Louis kissed least as fondly back while he pressed a little harder against Harry's body; it was as if he was addicted to feel Harry's body against him just like Harry did.

A word flew through Harry's foggy mind.  _Soul mates._

Harry deepened the kiss as he pulled his fingers slowly down over Louis neck, he stopped at Louis collarbone and drew a circle around the hard bone before he went down to the Louis navel and then continued his way to Louis thigh.

Louis moaned softly when Harry touched his clothed thigh and pressed himself even a little harder against Harry, and Harry knew exactly what he wanted but he thought they might wait with  _that_. He wanted to get answers to his questions first and he wanted to be better prepared.

Harry moved his hand up again and stroked a finger in the notch of Louis throat while he kissed him longingly. Louis rubbed Harry's neck for a moment before moving his fingers down to Harry’s back, touching it with his soft fingers. Harry got goose bumps all over his body, he continued to kiss Louis until their lips turned sore and they had to break the kiss.

Louis smiled softly at him, his eyes shone like stars again and Harry could feel the happiness sprinkled within him to see Louis so happy.

"Louis, I have two questions," Harry muttered to break the silence.

"Ask whatever you want Hazza," Louis replied softly, his hand was drilled into Harry's curls.

"Are we just dating or we are together, that is my first question," said Harry, and lay down next to Louis with his hand on Louis's stomach.

"Uh... I think we're together," Louis said with a warm smile and Harry wanted to scream with joy.

"Okay," Harry smiled happily. "My second question is... Would you like me to move in with you until further notice or as long as you want me to stay with you? I've been thinking that I can rent out my apartment while I live with you and I already have one that is interested. Feel no pressure," Harry smiled playfully and looked almost pleadingly at Louis who looked a bit speechless.

"Y-yes... I would love that Hazza that would be wonderful!" Louis said happily after a few seconds, he held Harry's hands tightly. "Then my family can come here instead and we can celebrate my b..." He quieted down.

Harry looked at him. "Birthday? When is your birthday?" Harry asked smiling and kissed Louis cheek. He was so happy that Louis wanted him to stay here; he was so happy that they would stay together!

"My birthday is the same day of Christmas Eve," said Louis softly and smiled shyly.

"Then we have to celebrate you  _and_ Jesus, then," laughed Harry and Louis laughed, Harry loved Louis laughter. It was so incredibly sweet.

"Yes," smiled Louis happy, "But then I will talk with my mom and my sisters tomorrow and invite them here instead. Paul can help us with Christmas food and so on", he added, and Harry nodded.

"And me!  I'm happy to help."

 "We can decorate for Christmas tomorrow? I haven’t have time to do that yet,” Louis suggested as he looked at Harry with his starry eyes.

"Of course, we will do that!” Harry smiled and kissed Louis tenderly.

This day had turned out very good despite everything that had happened.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A detailed sex scene is at the end of this chapter, you have been warned.

"I'll hang it up here?" Harry asked smiling as he stood on tiptoe on a small ladder in between the kitchen and the hall, he held a mistletoe in his hand and looked at Louis with happy eyes. He held the mistletoe pressed against the vault and held it where he thought that Louis wanted it. They had just started with Christmas decoration and the first thing Louis wanted to decorate the apartment with was a mistletoe so Paul had ran out and bought one for him.

"Oh yes, that would be really nice!" said Louis cheerfully as he sat in his wheelchair and watched as Harry put the mistletoe stuck with a small needle, when he was ready he went down the steps, he went to Louis and squatted down in front of him.

"What would you like to take out from the boxes now?" Harry asked softly, he wrapped his hand around Louis' and stroked it softly.  
Louis cheeks were red and his face broke into a gentle smile when Harry touched him.

"A poinsettia or a light strand perhaps?" he suggested with his soft voice and Harry nodded.

"Of course," he smiled and walked to the brown box that was placed on the kitchen table. "CHRISTMAS THINGS" was written in large letters on the side of the box. He buried his hands in the box and frantically searched for both a poinsettia and a light strand. He found a black poinsettia and a silvery light strand with small white lights, he took them out of the box and showed them to Louis.

"Are these good? Where do you want me to hang them?"

"Yes, they are very good. Why don't you hang them in our window in our bedroom?" Louis suggested with a smile.

Harry's heart squeezed out of luck when Louis said "our", they had only been together "for real" in around a week and Louis was already saying "our" and "us" and it made Harry almost crying with happiness. His desire to be with Louis had come true and he could not ask for more than that.

"Which reminds me that we should buy a double bed soon, if you want one?" said Louis embarrassed with red cheeks and looked shyly at Harry.  
Harry lit up into a broader smile, he put down the star and the light strand on the table before he went to Louis and caught his lips in his own and kissed him tenderly.

"Of course I want it," Harry mumbled tenderly against Louis lips as he stroked Louis's neck with his fingertips, he could feel how Louis got goosebumps by his touch, Harry's insides struck lucky flips that he was the one to make Louis' body react that way.

"I will ask Paul to order one of the best and softest double beds," murmured Louis with a mischievous smile, he kissed Harry's lips and Harry's heart flickered when he realized what Louis smiled about. He wanted to do _that_ as soon as possible, maybe Harry could give it to him as an early Christmas present? It was only a few weeks left until Christmas. Just the thought made Harry's ears become red.

"Do it baby," Harry grinned back and kissed Louis again before he went back to the table and grabbed the star and lights strands again. "Let's go and hang these up," he smiled and grabbed the wheelchair's handles with one hand and drove him to the bedroom. He placed Louis in the middle of the room so that he would have a good look over the window before he went to the window and put both the star and the light trail, he lit them both and turned to Louis with a big smile.

"Will this be good?" he asked and Louis nodded excitedly.

"They fit perfectly there! Now it's more light in here than it was before and I like it! It makes everything a little brighter!" Louis suddenly laughed and Harry were infected by his laughter. They both laughed so hard that tears came out of their eyes, and Harry had to sit on the floor to not fall down from laughter.

Paul came running in out of breath and anxiety in his eyes.  
"What's going on sir?" he asked anxiously, and squatted in front of Louis.

Louis looked at Paul with tearful eyes and a scornful smile. "We're just laughing Paul, nothing to worry about," Louis replied but his face had become paler.

"You look pale, you need to rest, sir." Paul took a firm grip on the wheelchair and drove it sternly to the side of the bed, he walked around and stood in front of Louis and put his arms under Louis arms' and did an attempt to lift him from the wheelchair and unto the bed.

"No, Paul, I don't want to go to bed now, me and Hazza are decorating for Christmas, can you not see that?" Louis hissed angrily and punched Paul's arms lightly with his little hands.

Paul gave him an anxious and dejected look. "You are pale Sir, please, lay down for a little while and just take your medicine? I do not want you to pass out again."

Harry raised his eyes. _Pass out again? Had passed out when he had became so ill after their stay in the city?_

Louis clenched his jaw and looked angrily at Paul. "I'm not a little kid, I can decide when I go to bed or not," he snorted angrily and crossed his arms to prevent Paul lifting him out of the wheelchair against his will.

Harry looked at them both, the concern for Louis condition gnawed at him like a rat.

"I know sir, but I care about you. Please, can you not just lay down for a little while?" Paul asked stubbornly as he looked softly at Louis.  
Louis sighed irritably, he shook his head firmly. "No," he said firmly and grabbed the wheelchair's wheels and rolled away from Paul to Harry and stood by his side.   
"You can order the best double bed for us instead," he snorted, "Can we continue to decorate now?" he asked with a soft voice while looking at Harry.

"If you feel that you can manage it, then we continue," said Harry softly and Louis lit up. "I do!" he said with a radiant smile, and they returned to the kitchen to continue to decorate the apartment despite Paul's protests.

They were finished with the Christmas decorations after an hour and the whole apartment was now filled with Christmas related things and Christmas spirit. Harry had put on Christmas music while he was cooking, Louis sang along with Mariah Carey's voice, and they both had a really good time together. Harry was finished with the food and served both himself, Louis and Paul. Paul came into the kitchen when Louis shouted for him, he wore a grim face when he sat down at the table. Harry sat down next to Louis and they all began to eat.

When they were finished with eating, Louis put his hand on Harry's and smiled softly at him.   
"I like you," he mimed with red cheeks.  
Harry's heart fluttered happily inside his chest. "And I like you," he whispered, stroking softly over Louis hand with his thumb. Louis smiled shyly and looked away from Harry, he was not used to this, and Harry thought he was so cute when he was embarrassed.

Paul cleared his throat, and the two young men immediately turned his gaze toward him with red cheeks.

"Yes, Paul?" said Louis.

"I have ordered a double bed now and it should arrive within the next few days, I hope you will like it," he smiled.

"I am sure we will do," said Harry smiling and looked at Louis for confirmation. Louis nodded enthusiastically.

"Of course we will like it!" he said encouragingly and Paul beamed at them.

"Good" he said and stood up. "Dr. Payne will stop by for a while to see that all is well with you, so I thought if I can put you in bed now?" Paul asked kindly and Louis sighed but nodded.

"Okay then," he said reluctantly, and Paul drove Louis to the bedroom.

Harry sighed, why didn't Paul let _him_ to take care of Louis? He picked off the table while his thoughts whirled around in his head. _What should I give to Louis in birthday and Christmas present? He has so much money he could buy anything what he want ... Does his parents know that we live together? Does his sisters know that I exist? Does his family know that we are together?_

Harry put the dishes in the dishwasher and leaned against the bench while he fingered on his big hurting bruise Niall had given him. What had even gotten into him? He had been so incredibly angry that he even had punched him. Why? What was it that had happened? Something must have happened to make him react like that.

_Maybe I text him?_ , Harry thought thoughtfully while he fingered on his curls.  
 _No, I will let him contact me. He beat me so he should contact me and say sorry first_ , he thought, and nodded approvingly. He heard Louis mumbling a weak "come now" and he went to the bedroom where Paul had brought in an extra bed to Harry just some days ago.

Paul sat on the edge of the bed, his big hand stroked Louis cheek gently and he stopped immediately as soon as Harry came into the room. Harry wrinkled his eyebrows and wondered why Paul had touched Louis in that way, he was probably just some kind of guardian and bodyguard for Louis, right? Louis smiled at Harry, he pointed at Harry's bed and Harry understood what he meant. He sat down on the bed and took Louis hands in his, they were cold.

"See you tomorrow, Sir," said Paul, smiling at Louis and Harry before he left the room and closed the door behind him.

Louis watched with tired, misty eyes at Harry, it was noticeable that he had had his evening morphine. He smiled while Harry rubbed his hands softly. Louis' head started to hang a little while his eyelids became heavy, he tried desperately to stay awake by blinking with his eyelids. Harry laughed softly at his try to stay awake.

"Sleep darling, I can see how tired you are," Harry muttered softly but Louis shook his head in protest.

"I refuse to sleep now, the clock is only 7:30 ... I want to be awake, I wanna be with you ... In addition, Payne's here soon," slurred Louis tiredly, his eyes were closed now.  
Harry laughed softly again and held a tighter grip on Louis hands.

"You're with me, I'm here, right? I will not go anywhere. I'm here with you all the time," Harry muttered softly and kissed Louis all ten fingers.  
"But I want to be awake ... There's not ... much time left," murmured Louis sleepily, his head was limp.

Harry felt a knife drive into his stomach and out through his back. _Not much time left. "The doctors have said that I have about three to four months to live"._

Harry felt his shoulders began to shake of the sudden grief that had struck over him. Louis's eyes snapped open and suddenly looked anxiously at him.

"What is it Hazza?" he asked in a clear voice, it was as if he had not taken any morphine a while ago.

"You ..." Harry could not even bring himself to quote what Louis had said.

"I what?" Louis asked anxiously, his grip on Harry's hand tightened.

"I-I can't even say it ..." Harry said hoarsely.

Louis looked sadly at him.  
"Lie down next to me," Louis asked suddenly and Harry crawled carefully over Louis and lay down at his side.

"Hold me," said Louis silently when Harry laid down next to him.

Harry wriggled his arms around Louis torso and held him gently against his body. Louis put his hand over Harry's and moved their hands to his heart.  
Harry pulled slightly for breath when he felt Louis's heart beating against his skin, it was like holding a baby bird inside his hand.

"I'm still alive and you can feel it, let's not think about what comes. I'm sorry for what I said," murmured Louis soft voice, he pushed Harry's hand harder against his heart and Harry got shivers down his back. He didn't know what to say so he just nodded in response.

"I don't want you to go away ... I don't know what I will do without you when you're gone," Harry murmured silently, he regretted it almost immediately as soon as he had said it. He felt Louis stiffening in his arms.

"Sorry," Harry whispered quietly.

Louis turned and looked at Harry with sad, misty eyes, he was still holding Harry's hand pressed against his chest.

"Don't say sorry Hazza, you have nothing to apologize for. I feel exactly the same," murmured Louis low, he cuddled close to Harry and Harry enjoyed the feeling of Louis almost feverish body close to him.  
Harry didn't know what to say now either so he just mumbled a "yes" and kept holding Louis, he breathed in his scent and burned it into his brain. He would never forget how Louis smelled or how hot his body was next to him.

-

Harry drowsily opened his eyes, the bed was weighed down by something. He saw a tall figure sitting at Louis side. Harry squinted at the figure and saw that it was Payne who had arrived.  
Payne turned his eyes to Harry and smiled softly.

"Hello Harry," he said kindly, and took Louis' wrist in one hand, it seemed like he took Louis pulse.

"Hey Liam," said Harry politely and quickly corrected his hair with his fingers.

"How are you Harry?" Liam asked, he had now stood up and clicked some buttons on the device that was standing on the nightstand. The device hissed and Louis winced in his sleep, Harry looked anxiously at him.

"There's nothing dangerous Harry", assured Liam when he saw Harry's frightened face.

"Well that's good, I'm just so worried about him," admitted Harry when he had looked at Liam for a while.

Liam turned his chocolate brown eyes towards Harry and smiled weakly.

"I understand that you are concerned about him, Harry, I'm also at times, but there is not much to do, you know. We have to live in the present for him", Liam said softly and wrote down something in his journal he had in his hands. "In addition, his medication seem to help more now than they have ever done, some tumors have actually disappeared and that is very good progress," said Liam with a big smile and Harry felt his eyes got filled with tears of surprise and relief.

"Is it true?" he whispered happily and Liam nodded. "I would never lie to you Harry. I see the two of you and I _see_ how much you love him."

Harry's eyes grew big and he leaned his head to one side as he looked at Liam.

"That's a good observation, Liam. Me and Louis haven't been together for long but I ... I really love him. He is everything I ever wanted," said Harry honestly and smiled foolishly. It felt like he was in a bad drama series on TV, but he really meant every word he said.

Liam smiled softly and nodded.  
"Your love is real, and that is a thing you don't see often but I can see yours," he said and shut the journal and put it in his big pocket he had on one left side of his coat.  
Harry felt happiness spreading around in his mind, he sucked in Liam's words like a sponge and fell softly down on the bed.

"Liam ..." Harry said suddenly as he stared at his hands, he then moved his gaze towards Liam. It was really weird, but he felt how he could trust Liam even though they had only met once before. There was something special about Liam that made you feel safe around him.

"Yes, Harry?" Liam said smiling while he was fiddling with the IV that went into Louis's arm.

"I've been thinking about what I want to give Louis for his birthday and Christmas present and I actually think that I have come up with it," Harry mumbled quietly and glanced at Louis to see that he wasn't awake. Louis slept like a log, his eyes moved slowly under his eyelids. Harry hoped he dreamed of something nice.

"What are you going to give him Harry?" said Liam as he tweaked the needle in the arm, Louis whined quietly in response, but did not wake. The morphine had probably gotten him to sleep heavier then what he normally would.

"I have wondered if I should ask him if he wants to get engaged to me. I know it is probably too early because we almost have just started dating but ... I really love him and I want to show it in a good way," murmured Harry slightly embarrassed as he stared at his fingers. He felt Liam looking at him for a moment.

"It's a really nice idea, Harry, really, but do you really think Louis would go along with it so quickly? You have not been together that long. Have you really thought this through? You must really want it, for an engagement usually leads to a marriage if both parties want to get married of course", said Liam decided with a serious face while he looked at Harry.

Harry swallowed hard, "I've thought about this for a few days now and I really want to ask about his hand. I know it is not certain that he wants to get engaged with me since we haven't been together for so long but I'm ready to get married later if he would like that."

Liam nodded understandingly and smiled to himself.  
"Do it if you really feel that it is right. Just don't hope too much," said Liam with seriousness in his voice, and Harry nodded.

"I'll try not to hope too much," Harry said smiling with rekindled hope in his heart. Tomorrow, he would certainly go downtown and look after engagement rings.

-

"Louis," Harry whispered softly next to Louis's ear, "I have to go up now, I'm going on some errands with my job but I'll get home later," he murmured and kissed Louis's ear before he crawled out of bed and pulled on his clothes and slipped out of the apartment. He'd work a few hours first before he would go out and find the rings so he hadn't lied altogether.

-

Harry stepped into the first jewelry store he found and looked confused about the store before he went up to one of the golden glass cabinet where they kept the engagement rings. He looked wide-eyed at each of them and wondered which one of them Louis would think was nice. A black-haired clerk came along and stood beside Harry.

"Need help?" she asked kindly, and Harry nodded.

"Yes, I'm looking for an engagement ring for my boyfriend but I don't really know what he would like," Harry smiled and looked at the clerk and then at the rings.

"Does he know you want to get engaged you with him or is it a surprise?" asked the clerk, she leaned forward and took a closer look at the rings.

"It's a surprise, it's for his birthday. His birthday is on the day of Christmas Eve, so I thought I would make it a bit special", said Harry smiling, his heart took a somersault as he thought of how Louis would react upon seeing the ring.

"I understand," said the clerk with a smile and opened the cabinet with engagement rings. "What do you want for a type of ring? Gold? Silver? Slender? Thick?" she asked as she took out a few examples from the cupboard and showed Harry some examples of rings. Harry looked at them and one of them caught his interest, it was a slender, gold ring with a heart-shaped diamond in the center, on the inside of the ring, the text "our love is a story without end" in scripted.

"You can edit the text inside the ring if you would like to, plus you can add more diamond hearts if you want," the clerk explained.

Harry gently took hold of the ring and looked closely at it, a strange feeling rooted in his stomach and he felt that this ring was **right**. It was this ring he was going to buy, it was this ring he would ask Louis if he wanted to share it with him.

"I'll take this, I want it just as it is," Harry said with a bright smile and the clerk returned his smile with a same smile of happiness.

"Wonderful! Then we'll go to the checkout so you can pay," she said and Harry went to the checkout with her.

"I must have your finger size, the rings will arrive within a week," she said when Harry paid the frightful expensive price, Harry counted quickly inside head; in a week, it would be December 19, it was perfect. 

"That sounds really good," said Harry happily and gave her their finger measurements, he waved goodbye before he went home to his and Louis apartment.

-

Harry stepped inside the door, he had hidden the receipt in his inside pocket where Louis would never find it. He stepped out of his shoes and hung up his jacket, then he went to the kitchen where he thought Louis would be but he was not there.  
Harry frowned in surprise and ran his hand through his hair before he went to the bedroom, but Louis was not there either. He started panicking and ran through the kitchen to look at the board who were in the hall to see if Louis had left a not but no note was on it.

Harry began to breathe shallowly and black spots danced before his eyes.  
 _I can't faint now_ , he thought sadly and took a few deep breaths to collect himself. He picked up his phone and typed in the number to Louis, the signals went away but he got no answer. The worry monster inside Harry's stomach began to grow larger, it was on the verge of breaking out of his throat when he suddenly heard a well-known, angelic voice. He listened to the voice, and followed the voice like a bloodhound through the bedroom and out through a door that he had never seen before and into a large well-lit room. 

In the corner of the room stood a large black sofa, next to the couch stood a black small table with a lamp on, and in the middle of the room, a tall chair was standing next to a professional microphone stand, from the stand ran a cord up to the ceiling that went into another room that looked like a recording studio.  
Inside the studio stood a man which Harry did not recognize with headphones on his head, he gave the thumbs up to Louis who was sitting on the tall chair at the microphone before their eyes drifted towards Harry. Louis wig was styled up in a quiff, you could see his face much better now and he was wearing a white T-shirt, black leather jacket and dark blue jeans. Harry thought he was the most beautiful man he had ever seen.

"Hey Hazza," Louis said smiling and waved with two fingers at Harry.

"Hey Louis," Harry replied uncertainly and looked between the man in the studio and Louis, "What is going on here?" he asked, a little embarrassed.

"I'm just singing a bit, trying some new tones and stuff to a new song I have had in my head for a while." Louis beamed at Harry and it was the first time Louis looked really energetic since Harry first met him.

"I-oh well," Harry said perplexed, "It seems that you are much more energetic than you were yesterday," added Harry slightly more relaxed, he went to Louis and stood behind him with his hand resting on his shoulders.

"Yes, I feel much more energetic," said Louis cheerfully and played a few notes on his guitar he was holding in his arms.

Harry smiled big and hugged him gently from behind before he looked at the man in the studio.

"Who is that? And where is Paul?" Harry asked gently, and nodded towards the man.

"That's Zayn Malik, my manager and audio compositor" replied Louis proudly and waved at Zayn who waved back. Harry thought he looked too much like a bad boy to be a musician but what did Harry knew about music and music people anyway?

"Paul is out on errands today but he comes here as soon as he is finished," added Louis and Harry nodded, he watched as Zayn was now pressing on a gray unit before him.  
Harry felt a nasty twinge of jealousy when he thought that Zayn probably had spent a tremendous amount of time with Louis than he had ever done. His thoughts flew away and he wondered if Louis and Zayn had fucked.  
 _Idiot! It is clear that they have not done it! What the hell do you think of Louis really?! He has told you, you fool, that he is a virgin_ , growled Harry's subconscious angrily to him and he sighed, Mr. Subconscious was right. Louis would not lie to him.

"Can I hear what you've recorded? If you've recorded anything, of course", Harry asked quickly to dispel his pesky thoughts and Louis shone like a sun.

"Yes, please! Zayn, put on what we recorded today," cried Louis enthusiastically to Zayn, the black-haired man nodded and suddenly Harry could hear music and Louis beautiful voice singing through the room.

_My hands are searching for you_  
My arms are outstretched towards you  
I feel you on my fingertips  
My tongue dances behind my lips for you 

_This fire rising through my being  
Burning I’m not used to seeing you_

_I’m alive, I’m alive_

_I can feel you all around me_  
Thickening the air I’m breathing  
Holding on to what I’m feeling  
Savoring this heart that’s healing 

The music stopped, and Harry felt his eyes were a little teary-eyed. "Wow, that was intense," he murmured and kissed the back of Louis head while he squeezed easily on Louis shoulders.

"The song isn't finished yet but this is as far as I and Zayn have come today anyway," said Louis cheerfully and looked at Harry with light blue, shimmering eyes. "We will continue after Christmas if I feel as enthusiastic then," he added, smiling, the crinkles at his eyes appeared, and Harry just wanted to throw himself into his arms.

"It was a very beautiful text Louis. Did you write it yourself?" Harry asked curiously, Zayn came out of the studio and stood in front of Louis and Harry.

"I have helped him to write but he has written the most of it himself," Zayn smiled and reached out his hand to Harry.  
Harry nodded proudly and ignored the jealousy that spread like wildfire in his body, he stretched out his hand and took Zayn's hand in a firm grip.

"Zayn Malik" Zayn introduced himself.

"Harry Styles" Harry said formally, the two men nodded and let go of each others hands.

"Louis, I have to go now but it was really fun to record today. I hope we can record the rest of the song after Christmas, it would be damn fun!" Zayn said happily and patted Louis on the shoulder.

"Yes, it would be really fun!" Louis smiled in agreement.

"You just have to call or text me if you feel you have the time, then we will fix a time for the recording! Now, I have to go, talk to you later!" Zayn said and patted Louis cheek gently before disappearing out of the studio and the apartment.

Harry heaved a heartfelt sigh of relief inside him and leaned his head over Louis shoulder while he held his hands on Louis shoulders.

"Shall we see if Paul has returned and if our new bed has arrived?" grinned Harry and Louis grinned back as he nodded.

"Gladly," he replied, and walked slowly out of the tall chair. He staggered shakily to his wheelchair, when he had placed himself, Harry drove him out of the studio and into the bedroom where their new bed was already assembled and made up. The extra bed was also picked off.  
Harry held his hand to his forehead and looked impressed on the bed, it looked really nice. The bedspread was burgundy with matching pillows, Harry could hardly wait until they could lie there and enjoy a new comfortable bed.  
Paul suddenly came into the room.

"It is nice, isn't it?" he smiled, and both Harry and Louis nodded approvingly. "The food is ready, by the way," added Paul before his head disappeared from the doorway.

"Let's go and eat then," said Harry, glad that he didn't have to cook tonight.

-

"Should I nudge the pillow more, Sir?" Paul asked softly when he had embedded Louis in the bed, Louis had had his chemo's and he had also been forced to have the oxygen tube in his nose, which he hated.

"No thank you Paul, you can go now. Thanks for the help, see you tomorrow," said Louis sullenly and Paul nodded and gave Louis a fatherly pat on the shoulder before he disappeared out of the room and as usual, he closed the door behind him.

"He just wants your best Louis, you know," Harry said softly as he noticed how upset Louis was about the tube in his nose.

"I know Hazza, but I really hate this," he growled angrily and pulled at the tube. "I already feel like an old sick man, and this makes everything worse than it is," he growled tiredly and rolled his eyes.

Harry sighed softly and shook his head, he took off his clothes and lay down carefully beside Louis in just his underwear. He wrapped his arms around Louis bare torso and looked happily up at him.

"I know you hate it but it will help you breathe better, right? Imagine how it would be without it," Harry mumbled softly as he drew small drawings on Louis chest with his fingers. Louis got goosebumps of the touch and Harry saw his eyes darkening a bit of desire.

"Well, there is something in what you're saying," murmured Louis, he closed his hand on Harry's hand and looked at him.

"Can we ... You know, tonight?" Louis whispered suddenly and looked at Harry with dark eyes.

Harry swallowed hard and felt how it heated up throughout his body to hear Louis asking him something like _this_ with his soft voice.

"Do you r-really feel ready? I mean this... " Harry attempted, with "this" he meant the oxygen tube that was connected to Louis and the chemo that was inside of him, but Louis stopped Harry with a finger pressed to his lips.

"Don't worry about them, they will remain regardless, and I don't feel nauseous. If I do, I will make sure you notice, okay?" Louis murmured low, his voice was already hoarse with arousal.

Harry thought of the most hackneyed phrase in the world of history, "YOLO" before he very gently astride Louis and caught his lips in his. Louis moaned almost instantly as soon as he felt Harry's lips around his, he wrapped his fingers into the back of Harry's head while Harry pushed him deeper down in the bed while still holding the kiss between them. Louis moaned into Harry's mouth when their crotches was pressed against each other, prompting Harry to also groan. 

Harry put his hand on Louis chest and moved it slowly towards Louis right nipple, he started to massage and pinch it with his index finger and thumb while he licked at Louis lips to get into his mouth. Louis mewled of desire and opened his mouth and let Harry come in, Harry explored all of Louis' mouth before he broke the kiss and kissed his way down to Louis' stiffened nipple, he let go of it and replaced his fingers with his mouth instead, prompting Louis to howl loudly in pleasure.  
Harry licked and nibbled gently nipple while his left hand danced slowly down towards Louis' crotch, he crawled with his hand inside Louis underwear and took a tight grip of his erection, Harry began to move his hand as he licked and bit Louis nipples. Louis squirmed under Harry at the same time, he was breathing rapidly and with only a few strokes with Harry's hand, he came with a shout.

"F-forgive me," he gasped, embarrassed and stared at Harry with gigantic pupils.

Harry's smile shined at him and moved his hand away from Louis underwear, he wiped off Louis' sperm on his underwear before he kissed Louis nose tip.

"It does absolutely nothing, it was the first time, right?" Harry murmured softly, his voice was sultry and sexy dark.

Louis nodded, embarrassed and bit a little on his lips. "It's not over yet huh?" he asked.

"It depends on how far you want to go," said Harry, stroking his finger over Louis cheekbones.

"All the way," whispered Louis with a sly smile and Harry stifled a hysterical giggle.

"Mhm," grinned Harry with raised eyebrows, his hand found its way down to Louis' underwear again and this time, he drew them off in one go, as they lay on the floor, he also drew off his own and threw them down on the floor as well.

Now they lay with their naked bodies against each other, and Harry felt like the luckiest man in the world. This was nothing like the awkward time with Niall, this was completely different. He wasn't drunk and now it wasn't just desire but it was love involved too, which felt very good. 

Harry kissed Louis lips tenderly before he slowly slid down to Louis' crotch, he closed his hand around Louis erection and started jerking him off while he moved a bit further down. Louis moaned muffled when Harry once more started stroking him. Harry lifted gently Louis thighs over his shoulder with his hand still in motion, he placed his free hand on one of Louis' buttocks and leaned towards the hole. Louis flexed legs in an embarrassed protest but Harry ignored him and started to lick around and inside the hole with his tongue tip. Louis groaned loudly in pleasure and his legs spread themselves so Harry would reach the hole better, he ignored that it was embarrassing that Harry was licking him _there_ , instead he let the pleasure take over him.

Harry continued to lick around and inside the hole while he moved his hand, after some minutes, he replaced his tongue with his finger, and he slowly, he began to stretch Louis.  
Louis moaned loudly as he felt Harry's finger inside him and he writhed against it, it felt so good and a bit weird at the same time. Harry smiled with satisfaction and after a while he brought two fingers inside, Louis did not protest and Harry took them farther and farther until he came to the point. Louis' body was bent and he yelled out a loud "HARRY" when Harry touched the point with his fingers. Harry immediately pulled out his fingers and stretched over Louis to the bedside table and fished out a pack of condoms, he tore it open with his teeth and rolled it over his hard on. He leaned over Louis again and gently moved with the tip of his penis at the Louis' hole, Louis groaned and looked longingly at Harry.

"Come inside me. Fill me," Louis whispered next to Harry's ear with his voice filled of desire.

Harry felt his head spinning a little of Louis extremely hot voice. He sucked on his fingers until he felt they were wet enough, he brought them up and down over his hard on to make it wet enough before he gently and slowly began to fill Louis with a nudging movement. Louis moaned loudly and out of sheer pleasure as Harry filled him, Louis put his legs over Harry's shoulders and Harry filled him even more until he was fully inside.  
Harry withdrew and pounded slowly into Louis, Louis screamed in response and Harry paused for a moment.

"One more time? Does it feel good?" he asked kindly with his voice filled of longing.

"Yes ... it's well... Take me," Louis gasped.

Harry grunted, he pulled out and thundered into Louis, and repeated it over and over again, slowly, deliberately - a heavenly and joyous rhythm.  
It began to move inside Louis, Harry felt it too, and he picked up speed, he drove Louis, higher, harder, faster and Louis capitulated and exploded around him - an exhaustive, heartfelt orgasm that made him completely exhausted. Harry shouted Louis name, drilled his hands in Louis shoulder and collapsed on top of Louis with a high gasp.

"I love you", Harry coiled as he lay completely exhausted over Louis.

Louis just sighed without answering, dead tired and Harry pulled slowly out of him while his entire world was covered in a wonderful and numbing mist. He took off the condom and threw it in the bin in the corner of the room and lay down next to Louis with his arms wrapped around him. He expected a response to his sudden statement, but, no, Louis was already sleeping with a blissful smile on his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song which Louis sings belongs to Flyleaf, I do not own it, I just used it for this story.


	10. Chapter 10

"Hazza?" Louis murmured suddenly as he sat in his wheelchair in the middle of the kitchen watching as Harry cooked lunch. It was December 19 and Harry had received a text that the rings had arrived to the jewelry store and that he could retrieve them as latest on December 30. He had planned to pick them up later in the day when Louis took his afternoon nap. Harry moved around in the pan, he was cooking chicken wok with noodles.

"Yes, Louis?" he asked softly while he took time on the noodles, they would soon be out of the water, he bent down to the corner cupboard and took out the white colander and put it in the sink. He grabbed the handle of the pan and poured the contents of the colander, then he grabbed the handle to the colander and shook it so that the water of the noodles disappeared, then he poured back the noodles in the pan.

"I would like to go out today," said Louis quietly and watched, fascinated Harry while he mixed the chicken with the noodles and vegetables. Harry turned to him with a surprised look.

"Go out to town or go out to a pub?" Harry asked smiling; he pulled out one of the boxes with his foot, and took up a potholder with his toes. He flipped it open with his foot and it ended splendidly on the table. Louis clapped his hands delightedly and rolled to the edge of the table.

"Both, but in this context I mean that I want to go out to a pub, it would be nice," said Louis softly as he watched as Harry put up some food for him. Louis still ate very little, Harry had noticed that he ate less for each day that passed, but he turned a blind eye to it, if something drastic happened he knew that Payne and Paul would be there at the Louis side, ready to help him.

"But you’re not allowed to drink for Payne? Or?" Harry said confused, he sat down on his chair and began to eat the wok. It tasted spicy but it was still very tasty, he felt satisfied with his cooking efforts today.

"No, clearly I can’t drink, I only drink alcohol-free these days, but what I mean is that it would be nice to go out in the pub with you, I haven’t been out in town in the evening for a long time now." Louis smiled shyly at Harry.

"It would be really fun to go out with you Louis as long as you can cope with it," Harry said tenderly and looked gently at his beloved; he took Louis's hand in his and drew his fingertips over Louis knuckles.

"I will tell you if I can’t cope with it, you know that. Don’t start to be like Paul.” Louis voice was angry, but his eyes glittered with amusement. He suddenly drew his nails down along Harry's wrist and Harry drew a surprised gasp and looked greedily at Louis.

Louis grinned and leaned across the table and kissed Harry's lips softly. Harry grabbed Louis' head and dug his fingers into the wig, he happened to tear down his glass of milk, but he didn’t care. When he kissed Louis it was as if everything in his world fell apart and became one in Louis, Louis was what made him whole, Louis was his missing piece of the puzzle. They complemented each other.

Louis moaned low in the kiss when Harry entered his tongue in Louis' mouth, their tongues fought for dominance and Harry was the one who won after one minute of fighting, he sucked hold of Louis tongue and bit on it gently as he stroked Louis cheeks with his thumbs. They kissed until the air in their lungs ran out. Harry pulled back and lined up the glass before he went and got the dishcloth and wiped up the spilled milk. Meanwhile, Louis sat and looked at him with flushed cheeks, it was clear what he wanted but Harry wasn’t going to allow himself to be tempted, he didn’t want to tire out Louis more than usual, and besides, it was almost time for his nap.

Louis looked longingly at Harry; his swollen lower lip looked very inviting. Harry licked his lips, he felt the desire flared up within him, but he did not embrace it. He stood up from his chair and picked off the table, put dishes into the dishwasher and cleaned the saucepan and frying pan before he took in Louis inside the bedroom. He turned off the star and light loop in the window and made up the bed and nudged the cushions. Louis eyes were now tired, but Harry could still sense a touch of lust in his eyes, he licked his lips again, but ignored the heat within him and helped Louis from the wheelchair to bed. He took off Louis sweater and then bedded him down in the bed under the soft blanket.

"Would you like to take off your wig?" Harry asked softly, looking down at Louis. He still hadn’t seen Louis without a wig, he longed after seeing just Louis head and touching it. Louis shook his head and mimed a "no".

Harry sighed, a little disappointed,

"Why not? Doesn’t it itch? You always have it on, even when you’re sleeping", Harry asked, he picked up his phone from his pocket and dialed the number to Paul.

More recently, Paul had finally let Harry to start helping Louis but he still refused to let Harry give Louis his medicine.

Paul came into the room and smiled at the two men; he went to Louis’ side and gave him medicine through the IV in Louis arm. Louis eyelids immediately became heavy as soon as the medicine came into his bloodstream, he yawned wide. Harry thought he looked like a tired little kitten.

"It doesn’t itch Hazza," murmured Louis tired; he was close to dreamland now.

Paul smiled lovingly at Louis before he nodded to Harry and left the room.

"Lie down here beside me," murmured Louis with tired voice.

"More than happy," replied Harry tenderly and crawled up next to Louis and snaked his arms around him like a snake meanders on its prey.

"Can’t we go out on a pub tonight? Didn’t you have a favorite pub? What was it called, 'The Burned Rooster' or something? ”, Louis murmured, his voice was just a quiet whisper.

Harry laughed softly.  
"It is called 'The Burned Goose' and yes, love, I’d love to go out tonight. Sleep now darling, I will be here as soon as you wake up”, Harry muttered softly near Louis' ear and placed a feather light kiss on his cheek.

Louis yawned again and nodded, pleased with Harry's answer. Just a few seconds after he yawned, he was already sleeping deeply.

Harry crouched closer to Louis sleeping body; he laid his chin on Louis shoulder and enjoyed being so close to Louis. Heat radiated from Louis cheek and Harry enjoyed the feeling of it. Louis was always a few degrees warmer than Harry and Harry thought it was really nice.

Louis’ chest slowly heaved up and down, Harry put his hand on Louis left side of his ribs and burned this moment he had with sleeping Louis in his brain, he burned in his brain how Louis' chest was moving when he was breathing and he burned inside his brain how Louis sounded when he breathed, he wanted to remember every single detail when Louis was gone.

Harry intertwined his fingers inside Louis hand which Louis had laid on the middle of his chest. Harry cuddled himself in Louis neck; he could feel Louis’ pulse beat like a bird's heart against his cheek. Harry looked softly at Louis's face.  
 _I'll ask you about your favorite bird when you wake up and then I will tattoo it over my heart, because you are my little bird,_ Harry thought longingly while he stroked his finger over Louis’ cheekbones.

"I love you," he whispered over and over again near Louis's ear, he hoped that his words would reach through Louis' dull mind.

-

Louis opened his eyes and he was greeted by a smiling Harry who looked back at him.

"Hello there," Harry mumbled softly, his thumb stroked tenderly over Louis’ cheek.

Louis blinked a few times before he saw Harry clearly.

"Did you sleep well?" Harry asked smiling and placed a kiss on Louis forehead.

"Mm, I have, how long have I been asleep?" asked Louis, he scratched his head and it looked like he wanted to take off his wig.

"An hour or so, would you take off your wig?" Harry asked when he saw that Louis had started to get a little red on his forehead where the wig was.

"No, I don’t," replied Louis and sat up a little shaky as he scratched himself.

"Why not? You are red honey, I can take it off if you want", Harry tried softly; he looked at Louis while he stroked his cheek gently with the top of his fingers.

Louis's eyes darkened with anger. "No, Harry," he hissed angrily and struck out Harry's hand.

Harry looked at him in surprise and cocked his head.   
"What is it? Did I say something wrong? " Harry asked anxiously when he saw how Louis’ hands had started to shake. Harry closed his hands around Louis' to get them to stop shaking. Tears dripped down on the blanket, Harry's heart squeezed in pain at seeing Louis cry.

"Louis? Honey? What is it? Talk to me," Harry whispered anxiously, pulling Louis' little body next to his chest.

Louis did not answer, he just continued to cry until the tears ran out, and his body became heavy in Harry's arms. Harry pulled back hair that obscured the face of Louis; Louis closed eyes were a little puffy and red-rimmed, wet stripes adorned his cheeks. He looked like a grieving angel.

Harry carefully turned him around and put him down on the cushions again so that he could lie comfortably, when he had laid him down, Harry lay next to him with his arms wrapped around his torso. Thoughts swirled restlessly around in Harry's head; he was worried that he had said something that had made Louis cry.

 _Damn in hell_ , Harry thought uneasily, shaking his head as he stroked Louis wig.

Louis’ head was very hot, he actually felt warmer than usual, and Harry wondered if he had a fever. Panic spread like wildfire inside Harry, he got up quickly but gently so as not to wake Louis. He got out of bed and walked out of the bedroom to the kitchen to find Paul.

Paul sat at the kitchen table with a cup of tea in his hand; he was reading the newspaper and eating some biscuits. He raised his eyebrows and looked searchingly at Harry as he chewed on a biscuit.

"Louis, he ..." Harry gulped, he was afraid how Paul would react, "- he began to cry after he woke up and now he fell asleep again and I think he has a fever," said Harry breathlessly and looked terrified at Paul.

Paul got up so quickly so that you could believe a bee had stung him, he stormed from his seat and into the bedroom in the span of two seconds, and Harry heard how he locked the bedroom door with a click.

Harry sank down on the floor with legs made of limp spaghetti, he buried his face in his hands and felt concern swept him like a tsunami. Tears pushed out of his eyes, he began to cry quietly and incoherent, it felt like his lungs would burst of all the panic and anxiety that stormed inside him.

The front door suddenly opened, Harry raised his head and looked at the door with red-rimmed eyes. Dr. Payne kicked off his shoes, his face was grim. He gave Harry a blank stare before he went into the bedroom; Harry realized that Paul had unlocked the door for Payne. With Payne gone inside the room, Paul was out, his eyes were dark.

"Mr. Styles, I want you to go now," he said grimly, but strictly while his eyes stared fatally into Harry's eyes.

Harry snatched by the sudden loathing that shone in Paul's eyes. He stood up immediately from the floor and went to the hall and put on his outer garments.

"I want you to take this with you," Paul said coldly, he held out a moving box with all of Harrys’ things.

"Huh? W-why?" Harry stammered back and stared panicked on the box and Paul.

Paul's eyes grew even darker.

"Because I said so. The only thing you have done since you came into Sir Tomlinson's life is to make him feel worse; you have dirtied him" Paul hissed toxic with a strong emphasis on the latter.  
Harry felt his whole inside shriveled up, how his soul rot of Paul's words, of what was happening. Harry’s entire world shattered into a thousand pieces, tears streamed down his cheeks as he took the box in his shaking hands and walked with faltering steps out of the apartment. Paul closed the door behind him with a bang, and Harry could not bring himself to walk properly. He fell down on the floor with the box in his hands and wept brokenly until the tears ran out.

Harry stood up after what felt like an eternity and walked shakily down the stairs and out of the apartment. The concern for Louis gnawed wounds in him, and he felt so incredibly confused about everything that happened while he felt dead tired at the same time. He sat on the subway home, on the way home he thought about what could have happened to Louis and why Paul had been so mean, why Paul had thrown him out this way. He had also decided to wait to get the rings until he had received an explanation of the situation.

-

Harry got off the train with the box in his hands and started to walk the short way home, when he pulled the key out of his pocket he remembered that he had rented out the apartment to a drummer named Josh Devine, he could hear Josh playing inside the apartment.

 _Damn_ , thought Harry frustrated and pulled his hand through his hair. He sighed heavily and knocked gently on the door, it took a while before the drumming stopped. Josh opened the door and looked surprised at Harry.

"Well," he said with an uncertain smile, Harry assumed he looked like a wreck.

"Hey Josh, I'm sorry that I’m just passing by like this but some stuff have happened and I just need to sleep here a few days," explained Harry apologetically.

Josh nodded understandingly and smiled kindly at Harry.   
"Obviously, it's your apartment. I'll just clean it up a bit," said Josh, and disappeared into the apartment; Harry heard how was using the vacuum cleaner. A few minutes later Josh came back and let Harry inside.

"I changed the sheets in your bed so you could try to sleep there if you want, I'll take the couch," said Josh kindly, and Harry nodded gratefully.

"Thanks Josh, that’s really nice of you. I promise that I will not stay that long and I would have called you but it happened so much stuff so I didn’t have it in mind”, Harry explained ashamed. Josh shook his head.

"It's all right, Harry, do not worry." Josh smiled at him and spun his drum sticks he had between his fingers, "May I ask what happened?" Josh added after a moment when Harry sat down on the couch with hands still on the sides of the box.

"My boyfriend got a sudden fever and his bodyguard or security guards or whatever he is, threw me out," said Harry shortly, and shuddered at the memory of Paul's cold gaze. He didn’t want to go into detail.

"He threw you out because your boyfriend had a fever?" Josh asked with raised eyebrows.

Harry's ears were red with shame, he had not thought about how he had explained.

"Yes, well my boyfriend has cancer and somehow the bodyguard thought that it was my fault that he had a fever," Harry muttered as he stared emptily at the box.

Josh froze and looked sadly at Harry.

"I'm sorry," he said and meant the cancer.

Harry shrugged.

"I knew he had it when we started dating," Harry mumbled quietly, Josh put his hand on Harry's shoulder.

"Easy Harry, I’m sure it will be all right," he comforted.

Harry didn’t think when he put his hand on Josh, he was just so happy to get comfort and closeness; his eyes got filled with tears.

"Thanks Josh," he murmured hoarsely and gave Josh’s hand a few friendly strokes.

"Wait a few days, I’m sure you’ll hear from him as soon as he feels better," said Josh quietly and Harry nodded but he didn’t believe in Josh's words, everything could just go for the worse now how much he didn’t want it.

Josh moved his hand away from Harry's shoulder and disappeared into the guest room which he had made into a music room. Drumbeats could be heard from the room and Harry collapsed like an old man on top of the box. He picked up his favorite shirt, the one that had ‘Hipsta Please’ and pressed it to his nose, it smelled of Louis. His eyes were filled with tears again and worry pained within him, he felt his throat growing tighter when all of his senses took in Louis scent. His heart was beating painfully in his chest and a low grunt of sadness mixed with pain came out of his mouth. Tears streamed along his cheeks and he wondered how long he could endure the pain he felt at not knowing how Louis was feeling or even know if he was still alive.

Harry suddenly thought of a bad idea, a thought he hadn’t touched since he was a teenager.

 _No, I quit five years ago, I can’t begin again_ , he thought grimly, and clapped his teeth together.

 _I must be strong for Louis, I can’t fall into that shit again_ , he thought firmly, and touched the scars on his wrists, they were almost invisible now and he wasn’t going to create new ones.

He stood up with new strength and took the box to his bedroom; he put the box down on the desk, took off his clothes and lay down in bed under the covers. It felt lonely and cold without Louis next to him but he fell asleep with the hope of that he would lie next to him tomorrow night, and with the promise that he would not unpack the box before Paul had contacted him.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas everyone! :) I hope you'll like this chapter!

Harry opened his eyes, his arms were covered in goose bumps and he shivered slightly. He looked around in the room, expecting to see Louis but the musician was not lying beside him. Harry panicked and pulled hard for breath when he realized that Louis was gone.

"Louis?" Harry screamed so loud that it felt like his lungs would burst, when he got no response, he suddenly realized that he was not in the Louis’ apartment, he was at home and Louis was at his house, suddenly he remembered everything that happened the day before.

Harry shakily fell down on the bed; he pulled his hands over his face and sighed heavily. He had been so afraid, so incredibly scared that Louis was gone and that he had not had time to say goodbye.

Suddenly the door went up and a dazed Josh with tousled hair was standing in the doorway.

"Harry, how are you?" he asked breathlessly, he slipped into the room and sat on the bed with his arm around Harry.

Sadness welled up within Harry and choked him, without thinking he locked his long arms around Josh's body and cried horrifyingly to Josh's neck.

"I-I ... Louis ... Gone ..." he sobbed terribly, Josh stroked Harry's back gently as he looked anxiously at him.

"Louis what?" Josh asked, fumbling as he tried to calm Harry as best as he could.

"I woke up", Harry drew a trembling breath, "I thought Louis was gone and that I haven’t had the time to say goodbye to him ..."

Josh tightened his grip around Harry and whispered soothing words next to his ear.

"It's okay Harry, Louis isn’t gone yet, right? You could just call him now and ask if everything is okay?" Josh suggested softly as he stroked Harry's shoulder.

"I don’t know if I dare call him already, what if it is Paul who takes the call?" said Harry startled,  
 "I'm sure he has forbidden me to stay there." Harry looked sadly at Josh.

Josh clenched his jaw and thought for a moment.

"But Louis has a will of his own, right? He must have been talking to Paul as soon as he found out what happened, right?" Josh asked with a frown.

"Well maybe, but I don’t know if he knows about what happened yet, I don’t even know how he is doing," muttered Harry, everything felt hopeless.

"Try to call, I would have done that. He's your boyfriend, damn it, you can’t let that bodyguard or whatever that guy is getting between you two, can you?" Josh said firmly, he gave Harry a demanding pat on the shoulder before he disappeared into the music room.

-

Harry sank down on the bed with his iPhone in both hands. He looked at the black screen and chewed uncertainly on his lips for a moment, he drew a quivering sigh and clicked on the home button, the screen lit up and he poked the green phone icon. He scrolled down to Louis' name and pressed the "call" button. After ten signals a quiet voice replied:

"Louis?"

Harry's heart beat triple beats and his mouth went as dry as a desert, Louis sounded so incredibly weak.

"Hey Louis, its Harry," Harry muttered quietly as an answer, sweat broke out from the pores of his hands.

"Hazza? Oh Hazza, please come here." Louis pleading voice was so incredibly weak; Harry had tears in his eyes from hearing Louis being so weak.

"But P-Paul, he threw me out. What should I do? He will not be angry? How are you?" Harry whispered anxiously.

"I've talked to him, please come here", pleaded Louis almost desperate.

Harry swallowed hard and wondered what would have happened if Louis condition had become so bad that he might not even survive until Christmas...

_No, I shouldn’t think like that_ , Harry thought firmly and clenched his jaws.

"I will as soon as I can, see you soon," whispered Harry, "Hugs."

"Hugs." Louis ended the call.

Harry wiped the now sweaty phone on his pants and put it in his back pocket, he hurried into the shower and showered and changed clothes before he went to the hall and put on his outer garments. He wrote a sloppy note to Josh about what had happened, and then he went to town to fetch the rings, when he had fetched the rings he went to the tube.

-

Harry nervously knocked on the door to Louis' apartment, heavy footsteps were heard inside and Paul opened the door. Harry gave him a startled look but Paul's eyes were soft and he smiled softly at Harry before he moved out of the way.

"Sir Tomlinson is in his bedroom," said Paul before he sat down in his usual place in the kitchen.

Harry slipped into Louis room and the sight he saw in there made him almost to tears. Louis looked like a small child where he was lying in his bed. In just one day, he had become several pounds thinner, his skin was almost translucent, and his eyes had lost their glow. He had an even thicker oxygen tube inserted into his nose and a new device had been linked to him.

"Don’t be afraid," Louis murmured weakly when he saw Harry's pale, anxious face, "Lie down here beside me, please," Louis begged and Harry's heart ached in his chest. Sure he would lie down next to Louis, the sight did not scare him but he was out of himself with concern to see Louis so tiny and thin. It was like the disease had finally taking its grip around him.

Harry walked with light steps to the bed and crawled up next to Louis and snaked his arms around Louis slender body, he dug his face into Louis' neck, enjoying the heat.

"How are you Louis?" he asked softly, yet uneasy, he sighed with satisfaction at feeling of having Louis so close to him again, he had missed him so much.

"It’s not so good, I don’t know what happened but I hardly remember anything from the night before you was thrown out and the last I really remember is when Liam woke me up and told me what the situation was. I've got a new tumor, this time in my brain stem, that's why I got such a high fever. ” Louis’ body stiffened when he said the latter.

Harry's heart almost stopped, tumor in the brain stem,  _tumor in the brain stem_.

"B-But ... How? When do you need to go to the hospital?” Harry coiled from and held Louis tighter to his chest; he tried to stifle the growing panic within.

"I'm going to the hospital twenty-third December for radiation, checkup and to get new medicines," murmured Louis as an answer, he put his hand over Harry's hand and held it tightly.

"Do you want me to go with you? I would be glad to go with you," Harry asked.

"It would be good, but I will not be able to prepare something before Christmas. We're supposed to fix the Christmas celebration this year, we're going to cook and all that but I ... I can’t, I’m too tired”, Louis murmured with a thick lump in his throat.

Harry held Louis tighter; he placed some soft kisses on Louis' neck.

"I'll get do it, if you that’s okay for you. Paul can go with you, I'm still here and I’ll clean up and fix everything”, Harry suggested and Louis nodded.

"It sounds good, thank you Hazza, it means so much," Louis murmured tiredly, it sounded like he had not slept for several days.

"Have you told your parents about this new tumor?" Harry asked after a moment of listening to Louis breathing.

"Yes, I called them yesterday and told them, Mom started crying," said Louis absent, he was almost asleep.

"Oh, okay, but good that you told them, anyway. It will be fun to see them on Christmas and your birthday”, muttered Harry, he stroked his fingers tenderly over Louis’ cheek.

Louis only answered with a sigh, he fell asleep shortly thereafter.

-

The days passed by and it was the day before Christmas Eve. Louis had been bedridden the whole time and he had spent the time mostly by sleeping except when he had visited the hospital. While Louis had been in bed and slept, Harry had been a half day at work and half the day in the apartment, he had cleaned all the rooms, all the windows and all the boxes. The apartment was spotlessly clean, and Harry was pleased with his work, he had even bought a Christmas tree and a few extra Christmas gifts to both Liam and Paul, though he did not know if Liam would come over anything for Christmas but he had bought a Christmas gift anyway just in case if he would show up. Everything had went fine though Harry found it a bit sad that Louis hadn’t had enough energy to do anything due to his new medication and the radiation he had had at the hospital.

"Would you like to decorate the Christmas tree, or should I do it myself?" Harry whispered softly as he sat next to Louis side on their bed. He held Louis’ hands tightly in his own and stroked them softly with his thumbs.

Louis frowned and smacked his lips before he opened his eyes and looked tiredly at Harry with misty eyes. Liam had passed by two days ago and increased the dose of Louis chemo and painkillers, so now Louis was always minimally sedated.

"What did you say?" murmured Louis tired in response, his eyes fell down again, and he sank deeper into the bed when he fell asleep.

Harry shook him gently while he desperately tried to smother the grief that welled up within him. The lively, playful and inventive Louis was not there anymore, he had been replaced by a tired and sullen Louis without starry eyes.

Louis winced and looked confused around him; his cloudy blue eyes met Harry's clear, green, and Harry saw sudden, sheer and brute fear in Louis' eyes.

"I wonder if you would like to help me decorate the Christmas tree or if you want to remain here?" Harry asked tenderly, his insides had burst and his heart bled of sorrow.

A worried frown formed between Louis' eyebrows and he flexed his jaws.

"Who are you?" he asked, startled and confused.

Harry swallowed hard, Liam had warned him that Louis could have a small memory loss every now and then because of the tumor in the brain in combination with the medications.

"It's me, Harry, your boyfriend," Harry smiled gently while tears gathered in his eyes. He did not know if he could continue to cope with seeing Louis getting sicker and sicker.

Louis brow furrowed even more and he just looked surprised at Harry before he sank deeper into the bed with a yawn, as soon as his head had landed on the pillow, he was sleeping.

Harry swallowed hard and pulled his hand through his hair while a few frustrated tears leaked from his eyes.

_How am I going to continue handle this?_  he thought before he went out of the room and up to the attic to retrieve the Christmas decorations for the Christmas tree.

-

Harry walked down the steps and looked at the towering tree that stood and shone beautifully in the corner of the large kitchen. He contently brushed his hands and photographed the tree quickly with his phone before he decided to start preparing the food he and Louis would account for, he felt very tired as he had cleaned all day and decorating the Christmas tree, but on the other hand, he had not prepared like this for Christmas in years so it did not matter that he was tired. Louis' mother Johanna had called in the morning and told him that they would bring food with them and that Harry and Louis didn’t have to cook anything but Harry had protested and eventually they had concluded that they would split the cooking between them.

Harry smiled as he thought back to their conversation, and he remembered how nervous he had been when he saw the unknown number on the screen, it was the first time they had ever spoken to each other but as soon as Harry had heard Johanna's voice, it felt like they had known each other for years. He liked her already, though he wondered if Louis had told her about their relationship, well it was nothing to worry about now. Johanna had seemed so happy despite the circumstances so Harry was not going to let anything spoil his mood even though he had been close to rupture before.

Harry finished with cooking the food and put it in the fridge, he went to the bathroom and showered the odors away, and then he tiptoed into the bedroom. He threw the towel away on the desktop chair that was wrapped around his hips and pulled on a pair of boxers before he sank down beside Louis. Louis didn’t wake up now that he had always used to do when Harry lay beside him.

_He is probably so medicated that he doesn’t know that I'm here_ , Harry thought gloomily as he gently wrapped his arms around Louis’ chest and cuddled his face into Louis’ neck, the bird in there welcomed him with its rapid wing beats.

“Never stop flying, please”, Harry whispered quietly before he cried himself to sleep.

-

"Happy birthday baby!" Harry said happily and kissed Louis cheek as soon as he opened his eyes the next morning.

Louis blinked a few times before he opened his eyes as well and looked at Harry, for the first time in a few days, his eyes weren’t cloudy, instead they were lit and Harry felt indescribable happiness bubbling up inside him of seeing Louis this alert.

"Thanks Hazza," he said smiling and a sudden excitement washed over him.   
"It is my birthday! I can hardly believe it!" he added happily and clapped his hands. He was like an excited child.

Harry grabbed hold of his hands and kissed them before he caught Louis lips in his and kissed him passionately.

"I missed you," murmured Harry soft against Louis lips as he broke the kiss.

"I've been here the whole time," Louis smiled and kissed Harry's mouth lightly.

"I know, but it wasn’t really you, I've missed the excited, happy and smiling Louis," Harry whispered tenderly, "The Louis you are now," he added smiling and pulled Louis to him in a loving hug.

"It’s the medicine," said Louis gently with a shrug and smiled mischievously at Harry.

"Do you have a gift for me?" he then asked with stars in his eyes, and Harry felt like laughing happily when he saw how Louis' eyes sparkled.

"Of course I have a gift to you baby, but you'll have to wait a bit to get it until later tonight, if that's okay with you?" Harry asked softly as he looked deeply into Louis eyes.

Louis lit up in a bigger smile and nodded.

"Yes, I am happy to wait! It just makes me become more excited! I love surprises!" Louis shone like a sun and Harry had probably never felt happier than what he did now.

"Good baby, now I think we should get up and eat breakfast and then we dress ourselves for the visit tonight? Does that sound good?” Harry grinned happily, “Merry Christmas!” he added and Louis nodded saying “Merry Christmas” too and Harry kissed him before he helped Louis out of bed and to the kitchen.

They ate a splendid breakfast Paul had prepared for them, Louis ate with great appetite and Harry as well, this day had actually started perfectly and it could only get better. Harry hoped that it would last for the whole day. When they had finished eating they went into the bathroom and made themselves prepared for the evening. Harry dressed in a black jacket with a white shirt underneath, black pants and a white spotted bow tie, Louis wore a pair of red pants, white shirt with light blue stripes and red suspenders. They looked happy at each other through the mirror when they were dressed.

"You look beautiful," Harry smiled lovingly against Louis, he kept his hand on Louis shoulder and Louis grabbed a gently hold of it.

"You are just as beautiful," whispered Louis gladly.

Harry leaned down towards Louis and kissed him lovingly as an answer.

-

"Bye, it was really nice to meet you! We'll see you again soon! Merry Christmas and congratulations again my baby Louis!" Johanna beamed happily at Harry and Louis and hugged them both before Harry closed the door behind her and Louis sisters.

It was half past eleven in the evening, the guests had arrived at five and they had had a wonderful evening. Harry had gotten to know Louis family and he already loved every one of them, they all had clicked together and Harry could hardly wait until they would meet again.

"What a nice family you have Louis," said Harry happily as they waved goodbye to Louis' family through the window that overlooked the street.

"I'm glad you like them," murmured Louis sleepily, he held Harry's hand in a loose grip where they sat, still dressed, on the bed.

Harry had brought in some lit candles into the room, they spread a cozy light around the room, Christmas music played from a small speaker Paul installed into the room.

"They are absolutely gorgeous, we may well see them again soon?" Harry asked softly and kissed Louis both cheeks before he gently put his head on Louis shoulder.

"We can do that, it’s fun meeting my family," Louis yawned and leaned his head on Harry's head; Harry heard that he was almost asleep as soon as he leaned his head against Harry’s. Paul had been inside the room for a minute, giving Louis his evening medication.

_If you're going to propose to him tonight, do it in a hurry before he goes to sleep for the night_ , growled Harry's subconscious to him.

_Well, I will._

"Louis would you like to have your gift now?" Harry asked softly and looked questioningly at Louis who had closed his eyes, his eyes moved slowly under the eyelids before he reluctantly opened them.

"Yes please, I've been waiting all night," he murmured dead tired, stifling a yawn.

Harry's heart was beating an extra beat in the chest, "Well, wait a minute, I'll get it, please do not fall asleep," smiled Harry mischievously to him and helped him to undress and lie down in bed before he went off to his jacket to retrieve the rings which were well preserved in dark blue small boxes.

He came back a few minutes later and saw how Louis desperately fought the fatigue and medications. He sat on his knees in front of Louis in the bed and hugged one of the boxes in his hand in his pocket before he gently took it out and looked softly at Louis.

Louis looked wide-eyed at him and his mouth formed into a small o when he saw the box.

"Louis William Tomlinson, would you like to get engaged with me?" Harry asked and his body shuddered because of the meaning of words. He could hardly believe that he proposed marriage to someone he had met for the first time three weeks ago.

Louis just stared at the beautiful shimmering gold ring with a diamond heart in the middle; he couldn’t utter a word. Harry looked at him with glowing eyes and waited nervously for a response.

"Y-yes. Yes. Yes, I do. Yes”, Louis howled suddenly and threw himself against Harry, and Harry caught him and held him tightly against his chest.

"I'm so happy Harry, please oh please oh please, this is the best gift ever. Thank you, oh.” Louis uttered a high sob, a few seconds later he started crying happily and Harry cried with him, tears turned to bubbling laughter and Harry put the ring on Louis finger before he put his own ring on his own finger.

Harry crouched down next to Louis under the covers and put his arm around him; they joined their hands together and looked at the rings they shared.

"This is the most beautiful gift I've ever received and I love the text inside, it’s beautiful, thank you very much Harry. I'm so happy”, Louis smiled, shining like a sun before he kissed Harry's cheek.

"I'm so happy that you're happy, I'm so glad you want to get engaged with me. I didn’t think you would like to because we almost have just met but I've felt since we kissed for the first time that I wanted to share my life with you and I thought you probably felt the same way so I took a leap of faith and here we are” Harry murmured almost embarrassed as he looked happily at Louis.

"You are so right, Harry, I feel just the same as you, I want to share my life with you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me”, Louis whispered tenderly and looked at Harry with love in his eyes.

Harry smiled happily; it felt like he would burst of all the feelings and happiness he felt.

"I love you Louis, I love you so much," he murmured next to Louis' ear before he kissed him with all his love that he felt for this man. The kiss was so intense that Louis began to cry and Harry cried with him as they kissed slowly and lovingly. Harry wrapped his fingers in Louis wig and continued to kiss him while tears of happiness flowed down along their cheeks.

"I love you too Harry," Louis whispered breathlessly when they broke the kiss reluctantly because of the need of air.

Harry's inside exploded in lights and stars when he heard Louis uttering the three magic words, and his face broke up in the happiest smile his face ever had had. He closed his hands around Louis’ and kissed him again and they continued to kiss and whisper words of love to each other until the sun’s light streamed in through the blinds.


	12. Chapter 12

"Louis, which bird is your favorite bird?" Harry whispered softly the next morning when he had just woken up. He still had the thoughts about getting a tattoo with Louis favorite bird and he really wanted to make these thoughts into reality. Harry looked at Louis awakening face and stroked his fingers tenderly over Louis skin, he smiled as Louis lips formed into a smile.

Louis opened his eyes and looked lovingly at Harry; the energy that permeated him all day yesterday was still in his eyes, they were shining like little mini-suns but Harry could still see traces of the sickness and the drugs in his face.

 

"My favorite bird?" Louis muttered thoughtfully, scratching his stubby chin with his fingers, he disappeared into his thoughts for a while before he came back and looked happily at Harry when he arrived at his answer.   
  
"I would say bluebirds, they are so beautiful and sings so well. Why are you asking?”   
  
"No, I'm just curious, I want to know more about you, Louis," Harry smiled and ignored that he lied, he wanted the tattoo to be a surprise, he would be sure to book an appointment with his favorite tattoo artist as soon as possible. He wrapped his hand in Louis' and looked at their rings which gleamed of the daylight shining in from the window.

"They are so beautiful, I'm so proud to share rings with you," said Louis dreamy while he was looking at their rings. Harry looked at his face while he was talking, he looked so carefree and young when he talked about his happiness over the engagement, and it didn’t look like he had only a few months left to live. The idea made Harry frown, did he really only a few months left to live? His condition had gone up and down like a roller coaster, and now it had been for the worse with the new tumor but in some miraculous way he'd perk up on his birthday and at the moment it did not seem at all like he was deathly ill, which only positive of course. But Harry could not understand what it was that had caused him to become so alert so suddenly.

"Harry, are we going to get married?" Louis asked suddenly, the question interrupted Harry's thoughts.

Harry looked at Louis with surprise and imagined Louis in a tuxedo and tie, imagined how they were somewhere on a beautiful set and kissed the binding kiss. He caught himself smiling big and Louis smiled just as happy back at him.

 

"If you want to marry me then we can arrange a wedding," Harry whispered lovingly and kissed Louis both cheeks and looked happily at him.

 

"Yes, of course I want to marry you, no doubt. Besides, I have enough money so we can have our wedding where you want and how you want”, smiled Louis radiantly and touched Harry's nose tip with his while he looked into his eyes.

 

Harry's heart skipped a beat with joy and expectation, they had just been engaged in a day and they were already talking about getting married.

"How would you like to have the wedding then?" Harry asked curiously, they exchanged loving and happy gazes while Louis was thinking.

"I would like to have the wedding outdoors somewhere, preferably at a lake. I would like to perform at the wedding also, if everything would be okay with that. Then I would like that we both have black clothes with a white shirt, but you with a bow tie and I with a tie and suspenders. I would love if we could have an arch of white roses over where the wedding ceremony is, it would be very beautiful, flowers everywhere really. I like flowers.”

 

Harry watched fascinated at him while he told him about his dream wedding, it seemed that he had been planning this since he was little and Harry loved it. He would do everything in his power to make Louis dreams come true.

 

"I will do everything to meet the desires of our wedding, I myself have never really had a personal picture of my wedding, I just knew I would get married at some point," murmured Harry and kissed Louis lips easily and braided his fingers into Louis’ wig.

  
Louis kissed back with closed eyes and he intertwined his fingers in Harry's curls, the kiss became deeper and Harry pressed himself softly against Louis' body and wrapped his arm around Louis lower back and held him closer. Louis moaned when he felt Harry's erection pressing against his thighs, Harry moaned as well and stuck his tongue in Louis's mouth while he pulled his crotch up and down over Louis’ crotch, that made Louis moan more and Harry sucked hold of his tongue and nibbled on it while he massaged one of Louis’ buttocks with his hand.

Louis pressed desperately against Harry, he pleaded with his body after  _that_  but Harry did not know if he dared to have it now that Louis condition had worsened. He broke the kiss and looked into Louis's eyes that glowed like two heated jewels of desire.

"Take me please, I beg you," Louis whispered hotly and pulled his feather-light hand over Harry's bare chest. Harry felt his very insides pulling together when Louis pleaded him but his mind protested he didn’t want to expose Louis’ body to more stress than it already had.

 

"No babe, I don’t dare," Harry whispered softly against Louis lips and stroked his thumb over Louis’ cheek. Louis looked at him with disappointment and a squinted mouth.

 

"Please? I want it so much, feel here”, whispered Louis excitedly and suddenly took hold of Harry's hand and put it on his bulging erection. 

  
Harry gasped and felt his cheeks heating up in embarrassment, this was not like Louis.

 

"But your body, I don’t want to expose it to more stress than it already have, please, don’t force me to do this," Harry murmured apologetic and took his hand away from Louis’ crotch and placed it instead on Louis’ shoulder.

 

Louis clenched his jaw and his eyes turned from cloud soft to rock hard.

"Yes, please," he hissed between his teeth, he pulled both his and Harry's underwear away in one go and then sat astride Harry, he took a tight grip around Harry's erection  and moved his hand quickly over the shaft while his tongue danced over Harry’s neck.

 

Harry groaned loudly in response, he turned to Louis hand in pure lust and he shouted unexpectedly with excitement when Louis pressed a finger into him.

 

"Oh Harry," Louis moaned excitedly as he pulled his finger in and out through the hole while he moved his hand in a steady rhythm. Harry began panting with excitement, and squirmed against Louis' hand and fingers, while his back curved upwards, he was close  _oh_  so close.   
  
"No, you are _not_ coming now," growled Louis, the finger disappeared from Harry and Harry whined disappointed when the pleasant feeling disappeared, he was quite beside himself with excitement, but his subconscious was screaming at him that he must stop. He managed to tear himself away from the desire and rolled over so that he ended up on his stomach, Louis dropped Harry’s erection.

 

"I will not do this, I don’t want to tire yourself out for the rest of the day. Please listen to me, Louis, it's important," Harry whispered as he looked pleadingly at his lover who was sitting with his eyes full of carnal desire.

"Stop it," Louis growled angrily, suddenly he leaned over Harry and filled him faster than you can blink. Harry howled of the excitement that pounced on him and the slight burning pain he felt when Louis filled him completely.

 

"Do you realize what you're doing now Louis?" Harry hissed with awe and tears of pain and arousal.

 

"Yes, I’m exposing you to reluctant sex, also known as rape but you seem to enjoy it so I don’t think it counts as rape anyway, you would still not be able to report me," he hissed in response and leaned over. Harry groaned as he felt Louis moving inside him. Louis behavior had changed suddenly, he was not the soft man Harry had talked to just a few seconds ago, this was a whole new side of Louis and Harry felt totally confused, what was this? The tumor? Harry did not know and he could not think clearly right now, Louis was on full path to rape him, but Harry did not protest, he thought it was pretty fascinating even though how twisted it was. Louis had really become a totally different person in a matter of minutes.

 

Louis suddenly began to move slowly and deliciously, Harry closed his eyes and leaned his head backwards as his body was bent. Louis had his teeth brush against Harry's neck while he increased the pace and spurred at Harry, onward and upward, away from the mundane, away from all thoughts of cancer, they began to move at the same pace as one unit - totally absorbed in each other - their gasps and groans filled the room. Harry enjoyed intensely by how Louis moved inside him and he could hear Louis enjoyed it just as much as he did. Louis breathing became strained when he was approaching his crescendo, Harry squirmed as best as he could in his position against Louis each thrust and he cried when Louis struck his point again and again. Louis bit hold of Harry's shoulder when he reached his goal and moaned Harry's name long and painful when he came inside him, it was too much for Harry, he let the burning fire within him swallow him whole, and he came with a loud scream.

 

Louis collapsed over Harry and breathed heavily against his hair, his heavy breaths turned to wheezing and panic flared up in Harry. He turned gently around so he was lying at his back and got Louis to pull out of him with a slight bend of his back. Louis was knocked out with a hissing breath on the edge of the bed's end, Harry grabbed his arms and pulled him to his side and put the blanket over him before he started the oxygen unit and put the tube in Louis's nose. When Louis was not breathing as strained anymore Harry jumped out of bed, dried himself off and put on his boxers before he lay down next to Louis again with his arms around him. 

  
"This was exactly what I meant darling," murmured Harry anxiously and stroked Louis sweaty wig.

 

"Definitely worth it, I love to have sex with you, you're so beautiful," he murmured sleepily and looked at Harry with eyes that were still filled with lust.

 

Harry blushed slightly at the comment and the fact that Louis was still not satisfied, if he had not been ill, he would surely had been able to continue all day, no doubt.

 

"You are as beautiful yourself and I never thought I would see such a side of you," Harry grinned teasingly and kissed Louis cheek before he took his hand in his.

 

"I have my secrets," Louis grinned with a sassy shrug.

Harry laughed and wrapped his hands in the wig’s hair and kissed all over Louis's face.

 

"Do you want to take a shower now or do you want to get some sleep first?" Harry asked quickly to change the subject while he hugged Louis hands softly.

 

"Payne will come by soon with my medication so we can the shower after his visit if you want to. How fun to shower together,” murmured Louis and kissed Harry's ring finger just beneath the ring.

 

"Then we will do it your way. What do you do after that?" Harry asked cheerfully. He had longed until they could shower together, then he would finally see Louis without the wig and also take care of him in a different way than he did before.

 

"Can’t we go out tonight? It would be really fun if we could do it. I've missed it." Louis yawned but his eyes shone with anticipation.

 

"Of course we can!" smiled Harry, he was just about to ask if the pubs really were open today on Christmas Day but the door opened and Dr. Liam Payne stepped into the room.

 

"Hey Louis, hey Harry," he smiled with his usual typical Liam-smile, he wore his long white coat with a pen in his breast pocket, in the left hand he held his journal.

"How is it today?" he asked as he opened his journal and was looking for a blank sheet. He struck up a sheet and clicked on the pen so that the pin came out. He walked over to Louis units and clicked a few buttons on one of them before he pulled out a syringe of the small bag he had with him.

 

Harry felt Louis stiffening next to him when he saw the syringe, did Louis have syringe horror? Liam smiled softly at them when he saw Louis reaction; he sank down on the little stool next to Louis and took a hold of his arm.

 

"Well it’s fine with us," Harry said smiling as he stroked Louis naked thighs soothingly, he wondered if Liam had guessed what they did just a few minutes ago, the thought made his face turn red.

 

"I noticed that," Liam smiled mysteriously, Harry sensed a grin in his glittering eyes, yes, he knew exactly what had happened there. Harry stifled a hysterical giggle.

 

"Now Louis, relax and take a deep breath, this will went well," murmured Liam fondly to Louis, he waited to use the syringe until Louis did what Liam had told him. He pushed it in and sprayed the contents into Louis and as soon as the medication had pumped around in Louis's body, Louis eyelids went down and his body got heavier.

 

"Let him sleep in around ten to twenty minutes before you do anything, okay?" Liam smiled softly at Harry and Harry nodded.

 

"Okay that I will. How is he?”

 

"Well Harry, it goes up and down, he gets worse and then he gets better. He was feeling really lousy when you were gone for a while; I actually thought that he would be gone but as soon as you are back so are his values. It's very strange but it's actually really good and you should be glad. However, his new tumor worrying, I think we have to surgically remove it as soon as possible." Liam smiled sadly at Harry.

 

Harry nodded and felt a thorn of hopelessness struck his mind, there was really no end to this disease, and deep inside, and he knew that it would eventually take Louis down to his grave.

 

"I understand when he is he having an operation? Doesn’t the chemo help slightly against the tumor?"

 

"I do not know, I have to get clearance from the hospital first. Well, the chemo helps but it is more efficient to surgically remove it because it  _is possible_  to surgically remove unlike his other tumors located in his lungs, for example, where we don’t dare to go in, it's too risky," explained Liam nicely as he looked at the sleeping Louis. He looked so young and healthy when he was sleeping.

 

"But at the same time I do not know if we dare to operate him, it's a big risk to take because his body is already in such a state of disrepair, it is not certain that he would survive brain surgery because it is such an intense surgery," Liam added with concern and Harry nodded in understanding.

"How ... how long does he have left then, if you do not operate him?" Harry asked nervously, feeling the anxiety almost choking him.

 

"It's hard to say because his condition changes so much all the time, but I would say that he still has three to four months to live, maybe more. It all depends on whether the tumor in his brain grows larger or not."

 

Harry nodded and felt a small glimmer of hope was planted in him, but he was not going to feed the hope too much.

 

"Oh, the time has run away, now it has been twenty minutes and it's time for me to go. It's always nice to talk to you, Harry, wake him up nicely. See you soon," Liam smiled and patted Harry on the shoulder before he left.

 

Harry took a deep breath and gathered all the information he received from Liam and locked it in his "remember box" before he drilled his face into Louis’ neck and kissed up the jaw line and down to the lips. He kissed him gently and lovingly as he looked at Louis's face, his eyelids began to flutter and right as it was, he looked at Harry with tired, pale eyes.

 

"Is it time for a shower now?" he mumbled sleepily and Harry nodded.

 

"Yes, it is." Harry took a gentle hold of Louis arms and lifted him up in the bride's style and rushed into the bathroom so Paul would not see them. In the bathroom, Harry sat Louis down on the chair that was prepared in the shower, before he joined Louis in the shower, he took off his underwear.

 

"Should I take off the wig?" Harry asked longingly, he could hardly wait until he got to touch Louis bald head.

 

Louis nodded, "Sure, but I do not like it. I do not want you to have to see me without hair," he sighed sadly.

 

Harry put his index finger under Louis chin and lifted his face so that he looked into Harry's eyes.

 

"I love you Louis as much, with or without hair, with or without arms or legs. It doesn’t matter what happens to you or what you look like, I will always love you, always, " Harry whispered lovingly, Louis smiled embarrassed but happy at Harry.

 

"It warms me Hazza, it really does," replied Louis and pouted with his lips, Harry leaned down towards his face and kissed him lovingly.

 

"You're the most beautiful person I know," Harry whispered next to Louis' ear before he gently pulled the wig off with his fingertips. Louis gaze fell to the floor when he bared his hairless head to Harry.

"You look beautiful," murmured Harry and he meant every word, he put his big hand on Louis' head and stroked it with soft fingers, it was so incredibly soft even though there was not even one fluff of hair left.

 

Harry bent down and kissed it reverently before he turned around and turned on the shower, the warm water sprinkled over their naked bodies. Harry took one of the bottles that was standing on the floor and sprayed a good smelling click in his hand.

 

"I’m going to rub your head, and then you will wash my hair if you want to," he murmured softly against Louis' neck as he bent down behind him, the warm water met Harry's back and propagated to Louis back.

 

Louis nodded and closed his eyes when Harry's hands began to massage his head, he moaned quietly with pleasure and his shoulders sank when he relaxed.

 

"Mm really nice," murmured Louis enjoyable when Harry's kneading fingers went down to his shoulders and kneaded for a while there instead before he was hugged from behind.

 

"I love you, Louis." Harry's voice was heavy with emotion.

 

"I love you too Harry," whispered Louis back and leaned backwards to Harry to kiss him, which Harry obviously did. They kissed for a few minutes in the warm water, Harry felt the urge after Louis's body awakening in him, and he noticed how Louis felt the same when his kisses became more heated and his breathing heavier.

 

Harry pulled back, "I," He leaned forward and kissed Louis, "love", he retreated once more, "you," he murmured and kissed him hard and longingly. Louis mumbled an "I love you too" in Harry's mouth before his tongue was taken by Harry. They snogged wildly and Harry sat astride Louis and the chair, Louis groaned when he felt Harry's warm and wet body so close to him.

 

"Take me Harry, take me please, ah, you're so hot," Louis asked pleadingly, he moved his hips, humping against Harry. 

  
Harry could hardly resist his desire, he grabbed Louis narrow hips and switched places with him so that Harry was underscored and Louis sat astride him. Harry put a finger in Louis hole.

 

"Oh Louis, you are already so open," whispered Harry longingly and kissed him tenderly as he pulled his finger in and out in a steady pace. Louis moaned and squirmed wildly, after just a few seconds, he was stretched enough and Harry grabbed the shower and soaked them both thoroughly before he placed his hands on Louis hips and gently filled him.

 

"Oh Harry!" Louis groaned loudly as Harry filled him, it was so nice and they fit so well together, they were made for each other.

Harry wrapped his arms around Louis chest and Louis braced his legs and began to move in time with Harry's thrusts, he gradually increased the pace and just after a few minutes they both disappeared into a heartfelt and shattering orgasm.

 

Louis slumped tiredly against Harry's chest with a long sigh and Harry put his arms around him and hugged him softly.

 

"I could sit here for an eternity," murmured Louis happy, Harry laughed softly and nodded, he agreed with him.

 

"Me too, but you’re starting to get cold and we should get dressed and eat something," murmured Harry.

 

Louis withdrew from Harry; he got down on the floor with shaking legs and would have fallen if Harry had not been there and caught him.

 

"Come, let’s dry ourselves and get dressed then we go to the pub tonight," Harry mumbled and walked out of the shower with Louis in his arms.

 

-

 

"See you later Paul, I'll call you when we want to be picked up," said Louis softly to Paul where they stopped outside  _The Burned Goose._

 

"Yes, sir, have a good time now," Paul smiled and bowed before he went back into the car and drove back to the apartment.

 

"Here we go," Harry smiled happily and together they disappeared into the pub's warm air and pleasant atmosphere.

 

Harry placed Louis at a round table, which was in a secluded part of the pub, not many guests were there. A blonde waitress came walking towards them with a radiant smile and gave them the pub's menu.

 

"I don’t really know what I want, what are you going to take Harry?" Louis asked lightly when he looked through the menu. The pub had everything from light appetizers to heavy main courses.

 

"I’m going to take French fries and steak with béarnaise sauce and a beer to drink," smiled Harry, he laid down the menu on the table and interlaced their fingers in Louis hand.

 

"I think I'll take any of the starters, I don’t feel so hungry and I can’t drink any alcohol, but I figured I could take alcohol free white wine." Louis smiled shrewdly against Harry.

The waitress came back and took their order, she disappeared off the kitchen. Harry looked softly at Louis when the waitress disappeared; he bent over the table and stroked Louis soft cheek with the back of his hand.

 

"You want to dance then?" he asked, smiling, his mind wandered back to the last time he was here, then with Niall. Wow, that felt like an eternity ago. He was glad it was Louis who sat here now and not Niall.

 

"Dancing? I'm so weak in my legs Hazza,” Louis mumbled, embarrassed, his ears were a little red as he smiled happily. It was a long time ago someone had asked him for a dance.

 

"You can sit in the wheelchair and dance, I'll make room for you on the dance floor, you can bet on that," Harry grinned teasingly and kissed Louis fingers before the waitress came back with their order. She gently put the plates down at their places and poured beer into Harry’s glass and wine to Louis, and then she went away.

 

Harry tore into the food, the steak was unbelievably tasty and the French fries were crunchy and had the right consistency, he ate until there was not a crumb left on the plate. When he was finished, he leaned back in the chair and watched as Louis ate, or more, poked in the food. He did not seem the least bit hungry.

 

"Didn’t taste good?" Harry asked, he drank some of his beer and wiped his mouth with a napkin while he watched Louis. 

  
Louis's eyes looked at Harry and he shrugged.

 

"I think it's the medication that suppresses my hunger, I don’t know really... Can’t we go out on the dance floor now?" asked Louis when he had sipped a little on the non-alcoholic wine.

 

"Of course, I’m just going to drink up," Harry smiled and drank his beer in one go, he got up and went to Louis and rolled him out to the pub's heart, the dance floor. People stared at them as they came out on the dance floor, but no one seemed to recognize Louis luckily. Harry grabbed Louis’ hands and swayed a bit that looked like bug in time with the music. Louis laughed happily, Harry dropped his hands and ran to the back of the chair and spun him a few laps until Louis roared “quit” with laughter.

 

Harry ran to the front of Louis and took his hands again and swung him around, the thumping music stopped after a moment, and became a much calmer song. The dancers around them slowed down the speed and instead they put their arms around each other and danced close to each other.

Harry looked dreamily at Louis and asked him with his eyes if he wanted to dance closer.   
Louis shook his head. 

  
"I can’t go out of the wheelchair, my legs are shaking too much," Louis replied disappointedly.

 

"We can try, please?" Harry asked smiling and took a light hold on Louis' hands.

 

"Okay then," smiled Louis as a reply and let Harry bring him up. His legs shook violently but Harry held him steady so that he would not fall. Harry took command and held Louis softly next to his body, Louis slender arms wrapped on Harry's lap and he stood on tiptoe to put his chin on Harry's shoulder. They danced slowly around in time to the music and enjoyed each other's company, it was the first time they danced so close with someone and the both of them enjoyed it to the fullest. The music came to an end after a few minutes and Louis sat tiredly down in the wheelchair, but his whole being shone with happiness.

 

"Thanks Harry, it was wonderful" Louis whispered gratefully as he sat at ease in the chair, Harry hugged him and kissed his cheek.

 

"No problem babe, if you want to we can dance closer more times here and even at home”

 

"Yes, I would love to," Louis smiled happily and they stepped off the dance floor and went back to their seats. When they sat down, Harry watched around in the separated part of  _The Burned Goose,_  some new guests had arrived to the room and Harry thought he recognized two of them, they sat diagonally to Harry and Louis table, one had tousled blond hair and the other had dark brown, cropped hair.   
  
 _Niall and Liam._   _It's NIALL and LIAM!_  Harry’s subconscious shouted at him.

 

Harry looked surprised at them and then turned our attention to Louis, caught his interest and nodded at the table where Niall and Liam sat.

 

Louis' face broke into a shocked smile and he raised his eyebrows and looked confused at Harry.

 

"I didn’t know they were dating!" he whispered between his teeth to Harry.

 

"I didn’t know either, I am totally shocked! Niall out with a GUY and LIAM? What the hell!" Harry giggled hysterically, he suddenly felt happy that they discovered he and Louis yet.

 

"We go home, I don’t want them to see us!" Louis grinned and drank his wine. Harry nodded, got up and went to Louis and rolled to the cashier, paid and went out of the pub. Paul was already out there, waiting for them.

 

-

 

"I almost have to contact Niall tomorrow and ask him about this, it's a mere discovery!" laughed Harry still surprised when they were tucked up in bed, Harry was spooning Louis.

 

"Yes, indeed. Crazy! I had never thought of Payne dating guys!” laughed Louis, “I wonder how they met!" he grinned.

Harry cuddled his face into Louis neck and nodded. "I also wonder that," he murmured softly and kissed Louis neck and sighed with satisfaction by Louis heat, it was so incredibly nice to have Louis as close as this, skin to skin. They always slept only in their boxers.

 

"You're so cozy Harry," Louis murmured sleepily, he became tired because of Harry's warmth and of course the evening meds.

 

"And you're so cozy Louis, I always sleep so well with you. When I was thrown out, I could hardly sleep because I missed you so much, I missed your warmth, your body, your presence and your fast heartbeat, "murmured Harry lovingly while he kept Louis close to him.

 

Louis laughed; Harry loved the sound of his laughter, "My fast heartbeat? What do you mean? "

 

"Yes, your heart beats so fast because of the meds and I love it, it has become a part of me that I can’t live without. I usually fall asleep with the side of my face next to your neck and your heartbeat against my cheek. I often fantasize that you have a little bird in there," murmured Harry as an answer, his cheeks heated up when he confessed his thoughts.

 

Harry could hear Louis smiled, although it was not possible.

 

"A bird? How nice of you Hazza, I love that idea..." Louis murmured tiredly, "The bird might not fly forever, but it will always be by your side and always belong to you, " he added tenderly and Harry's grip around Louis became harder as a lump of anxiety and sadness grew in his throat.

 

He would cry if he was talking so he just nodded silently in response, but it did not matter that Harry did not respond Louis was already asleep.

 

"Good night my baby," Harry murmured tenderly, the bird fluttered rapidly as a response and Harry closed his eyes to the sound of Louis heartbeat.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the last chapter of Three months of music, though I'm going to write an epilogue and I'm thinking about writing a sequel but we will see. Thank you everyone who had read this!

"I can’t see through my right eye Harry," whispered Louis. Harry paused in what he was doing and turned to Louis, it felt like everything was going in slow motion.

"The vision disappeared half an hour ago.” Louis’ voice trembled slightly at the tone.

Harry just nodded; he knew this would happen sooner or later. It had been a little more than a month after they got engaged, they had started to discuss wedding plans but Louis condition had only gotten worse so they had not been able to start something that had to do with the wedding. Harry was afraid that the wedding would not take place but it wouldn’t matter, they had at least got engaged but Harry thought it was a bit sad. He wanted to marry Louis and he was sure that Louis felt the same.

"Do you want Paul to take you to the hospital so you can be examined?" Harry asked he had crouched down in front of Louis who was sitting in the wheelchair and took hold of Louis’ hands in a soft grip. Louis shook his head firmly.

"No, I don’t want that. They will put me in there until I'm gone and I don’t want that. Why don’t you call Liam instead?" Louis voice was surprisingly steady; Harry got more fascinated of him every day that passed.

"Then I will." Harry forced a smile, turned and walked stiffly to the hall where the phone was in its place. He typed in the private mobile number to Dr. Liam; Harry drummed impatiently with his foot while the signals passed in his ear. Liam took the call and Harry explained the situation quickly. Liam said he would come at once, Harry had noticed concern in Liam's voice which worried him.

Harry put the phone in its place; he took a deep breath and tried to collect himself for a moment. He _couldn’t_ split apart in front of Louis; he was forced to wait with that until later, when he was alone. He returned to Louis in the kitchen and moved one of the chairs at the table, put it opposite Louis and sat down on it; he took hold of Louis’ hands and held them tightly.

"What did Liam say?" Louis asked in a trembling voice, it was clear that he was afraid. Harry leaned forward and pulled him close, stroking his head softly.

"He said he would come as soon as he could," muttered Harry to an answer, a few tears ran down his cheeks. This was the beginning of the end.

Louis nodded, his thin hands dropped Harry's hand and took a tight grip on Harry's shoulders instead, and he leaned backwards so that he was face to face with Harry.

"I'm afraid," he murmured lowly. Harry saw a small tear gathering in the corner of Louis’ left eye; he followed it with his eyes as it went its way down Louis’ cheek. Harry caught it with his index finger and wiped it away on his pants leg, then he wrapped his arms around Louis chest, put his head on his shoulder and hugged him tightly. He felt Louis hugging as hard back.

"You don’t need to be afraid, I'm here with you all the time. I will never leave your side," Harry murmured softly while sadness built up inside of him. How would he survive Louis's death?

Louis just nodded as a reply; he continued to cry light sobs while Harry held him in his arms and murmured soothing words to him. The door opened and Liam stepped into the apartment, he had his ordinary clothes he always wore, the white coat with the ink pen in his breast pocket, stethoscope around his neck and the brown bag. He kicked off his black shoes and walked with a firm step into the kitchen and stood beside Louis and Harry.

Harry released Louis reluctantly and turned to Liam, the doctor smiled as carefree as usual, but his eyes revealed to him, they glinted of concern.

"How are you today?" He asked as he rooted around in his brown bag for something.

"Stop playing a game Liam. The cat sits on the cliff." Louis stared at Liam and Harry in shock, they stared back.

"The water's cold!" Louis said loudly, his eyes locked up in horror.

"Aphasia", replied Liam quickly and took Louis' blood pressure. It was high, his pulse raced and he had a fever.

"What is it? What is aphasia?” said Harry blankly while he tried to keep calm by stroking Louis’ hands gently. _You must stay calm for Louis_.

Liam put down the blood pressure monitor in the bag and started looking for something else in his bag. "Aphasia is a language damage that occurs after a brain injury; it is usually caused by a stroke, but can also occur in patients with brain tumors. He'll think what he'll say, but something else comes out," explained Liam quickly, he found what he wanted in the bag and looked at Louis' eyes, the pupils were unequal, and Harry saw it too.

Liam patted lightly on Louis' head when he was done with the eye examination and then turned to Harry.  "Alone in a room, now."

Harry looked at Louis, his face was white, his eyes were wide with fear and his mouth was half open, he stared at Harry with a normal eye and one white eye, _don’t leave_ me, his terrified gaze said.

"I can’t leave him, can’t you say what you have to say here?" said Harry desperately to Liam, he was holding Louis' hands in a tight grip, their rings rubbing against each other. A worried frown formed between Liam's eyebrows and he looked sadly at them both.

  
"No, I want to say it in private with you Harry. Louis we will be back soon, okay?" Liam smiled insuring at Louis who looked blankly back with a slight nod. Harry hugged Louis' hands and kissed his cheek before Liam put his hand on Harry's back and took him to the bedroom, he closed the door behind them.

"Sit down Harry," said Liam easygoing and Harry sat down on the edge of the bed, he looked at Liam with inquiring eyes and tried to think of what to say but Liam looked the same as ever with his  nice, chocolate brown eyes. He reminded a bit of a puppy.

Liam sat on the little stool that always stood by the side of the bed while he held Harry's gaze. He opened his mouth to speak.

"Louis has just a few days left, he can live up to until this Friday but it is uncertain, he can disappear at any time," Liam said quietly, his usual doctor facade cracked and now it remained just an ordinary person with sorrow painted on his face. Harry stared at him as he struggled to get anything to say, it was Tuesday today and Louis, _Louis_ would be gone on Friday, dead, gone, finito. Liam looked at how Harry's jaw flexed, and how he opened his mouth to say something but his eyes were filled with tears.

"It's okay Harry, you don’t need to say anything. But the cancer has come so far, it is almost in the whole body now, the tumor has spread from the brain stem and up into the brain, and it has not responded to either radiation therapy or chemotherapy. His body is finished, _he_ is finished. He has fought such an incredibly long time with very few good results. The only results which have been good are when he's been with you, but even they can’t save him.” Liam's voice turned shrill on the last words, he hid his face in his hands.   
"I have fought with him in these two years past and I've seen how he's just gotten worse and worse but still remaining in his carefree, playful self. I have seen how he has fallen in love for the first time and how happy he have been with you in these two months you have been together, I've seen how he has found what makes him whole, what makes him the luckiest and happiest man in the world and that is _you_ Harry. He found his soul mate and yet I can’t save him, I can’t save him," Liam whispered, horrified, Harry could hear the doctor was close to tears.

"I'm so sorry, Harry, so sorry that I can’t save him from this." Liam started to cry with small, short sobs.

Harry just sat still on the bed and tried to collect everything that Liam said and make it into something that had meaning, make it into something that his already panicked brain could understand but it was hard, so hard. He knew this day would come someday, but not _now_ , not _now_ when they were planning the wedding, not _now_ when they just got to know each other a little better, not _now_ when they talked about how they might be moving out of the apartment to a bigger house closer to Louis family, not _now_ when they have so much planned, not _now_ when they even had talked about children, Louis had been eager to adopt, but he had said he probably would not have survived until they were approved to adopt but that he wanted to implement an adoption anyway. Not _now_. Harry had hoped for never, but never was not in Louis' world, there was only one or the other.

Harry touched his bird tattoo on his chest, he had tattooed two bluebirds facing each other, and one was smaller and represented Louis while the other was larger and represented Harry himself.  
 _The bird has flown its last trip_ , he thought sadly as he drew his fingers over the tattoo.

"I can’t live without my bird," thought Harry loudly, Liam turned to him and looked at him with questioning red-rimmed eyes. "What did you say?" his voice was hoarse and rough.

"That I can’t live without my bird. If he is going to die, I will also. You have to kill me, give me an overdose of morphine, chemotherapy or whatever, I can’t live without my bird!” Harry said heatedly, he had stood up and was now staring at Liam with panicked eyes.

"No, Harry, I can’t do something like that, you must understand! I do not want to kill you, and I may be notified of the murder," exclaimed Liam shocked; however, he realized that Harry felt as he did. He stood up from the stool, walked over to Harry and placed his hands on Harry's shaking shoulders and looked kindly into his frightened eyes, he looked like a frightened deer in the light of a car's headlights. Harry bit his lip so hard that it started bleeding.

"I can’t, c-can’t live without him, I can’t, it doesn’t work, I can’t, I can’t! He is my everything, I can’t live without him!" Harry shouted the last part, tears pouring out of his eyes.

Liam pushed him firmly on the bed, he was still holding his gaze fixed in Harry's eyes.

"Try to calm down, Harry, it pays not to become hysterical. I know how horrible this is and I feel just the same as you but there's not much we can do. As I said earlier, Louis is exhausted and you have to be the best you can be in the few days he has left, we can grieve afterwards. Okay?" Liam murmured soothingly while he watched how Harry relaxed for every word he uttered. Tears still ran down Harry's cheeks when he finally settled down.

"But Payne, I can’t live without him ... I can’t live without my bird ... He is my everything ... We're supposed to get married and adopt children and live together until we die, I can’t live without him, it's that simple. I can’t be without him... ", mumbled Harry brokenhearted.

Liam sat down next to him with his arm around his shoulders. "I know Harry, I know. It is terrible and horrible and I know how difficult it will be for you when he is gone, I can’t say that I will feel the same as you but it's horrible that this will even happen but I will be there whenever you need me, okay?" Liam stroked Harry's back slightly as he looked at him with his calm chocolate brown eyes.

Harry nodded stiffly as an answer; he had his eyes fixed on his feet while he repeated the same mantra over and over in his head.  
 _You have to be the best you can be in the few days he has left, you have to be the best you can be in the few days he has left..._

_I'll be strong for you Louis, I have to be strong for you, I must_ , he thought, and gathered his shattered interior, he puzzled the pieces together and put back his grief puzzle in its box and put the box somewhere deep inside himself before he turned his eyes up towards Liam.

"I'm ready," he murmured and Liam knew exactly what he meant. Harry reached for the nightstand and opened the first box and wiped his eyes to remove all traces of tears, Liam did the same. When they were finished they stood up and gave each other determined gazes before they went out of the bedroom and into the kitchen where Louis was still stiff as a stick and still looked just as scared.

"Hazza?" he asked with a small voice, looking confusedly up against them, he stretched out one hand as if he was trying to feel if Harry was there.

"I'm here Louis, it's me," murmured Harry tenderly while a lump gathered in his throat, he leaned down toward Louis and held him tightly in his arms, he dug his fingers into Louis' hair and pressed his cheek against his, while he held him tightly.

"I love you Louis, I love you so much," he whispered and felt a few tears forcing their way out of his eyes.

"I love you too Harry, so much," murmured Louis back, his voice was calmer now that Harry held him.

"Do you want to go to the bed?" muttered Harry as he stroked Louis’ head tenderly and looked at him. His pupils were still unequal, and his right eye had already been covered in a white mist.

"Yes please, I have so much pain in my back," murmured Louis tired; it seemed that the aphasia had disappeared for the moment.

Harry released him and rolled him into the bedroom and helped him to the bed with Liam walking behind them. He took off Louis’ clothes until he was only wearing underwear and he took of his own clothes and then lay next to Louis, he put the blanket over them both. Louis lay on the side and curled up close to Harry's chest; he watched, fascinated at the bird tattoo and touched it lightly with his fingertips.

"It's time for your medicine Louis," Liam mumbled behind them, Louis turned around towards Liam and looked softly at him.

"I don’t need to take more medication Liam, I already know what’s going to happen," said Louis lightly and turned to Harry again and cuddled close.

Liam met Harry's gaze and nodded, "he knows," said his eyes and Harry nodded slowly, he put his arm around Louis chest.

"Are you not going to feel terrible pain without the medications?" Harry asked quietly as he looked first at Louis closed his eyes and then at Liam.

"Yeah, but I get so tired of them and I want to experience my last days with you Harry without being sedated in bed, I don’t care if it hurts, it means nothing anymore," murmured Louis while he stroked his soft fingers over the tattoo on Harry's chest.

"I understand," murmured Harry and cast a worried glance at Liam's direction, he shivered by Louis touch.

"If it is his desire I have to follow it," mimed Liam in reply to Harry's questioning gaze before he gestured that he would walk out of the room to leave them alone, which he did. When the door had closed, Louis moved away from Harry's chest and instead he lay in front of Harry, face to face and looked at him with tearful eyes.

"I'll miss you," he whispered desperately as he pulled his fingers over Harry's cheek and down his throat until they stopped at Harry's collarbone, he caressed the bone gently with his fingertips, and Harry shivered all over.

"I will miss you too", mumbled Harry, he stroked Louis back and looked into his eyes, "I will never forget the time we had together. It's been the best time of my life,” smiled Harry teary eyed, Louis looked at him with his blue eye, a single tear fell down on the sheet and was followed by a dozen.

Harry sobbed when he saw that Louis was crying he buried his face in Louis’ neck while he held him in a desperate grip.

"I wish I could go with you, I don’t want to be left alone," Harry sobbed as he hugged Louis hard, Louis sobbed as an answer and was trembling all over with grief. They cried until there were no tears left, just emptiness. Harry stroked away a strand of hair that was stuck in Louis' eye and looked lovingly at him with a faint smile.

"You are so beautiful..." Harry smiled as he looked at Louis with fascinated eyes. Louis' eyes were swollen and red-rimmed eyes, his cheeks glistened like a starry sky of tears, and Harry thought he looked like an angel.

_Soon the angel will sprout wings_ , Harry thought, and laid his hands on Louis cheeks and kissed him with all of his love, a kiss he hoped would leave a mark somehow.

"You are my life," Harry smiled lovingly against Louis when he broke the kiss.

"And you are mine." Louis smiled so big that the crinkles by his eyes showed. Harry felt one million emotions bubbling within him when he saw that smile, it was his favorite smile and it was so incredibly beautiful, it lit up his world. He would miss it.

"If I could, I would halve my lifetime and give the half to you," Harry whispered tenderly and looked deep into Louis' eyes as he stroked his cheeks with his thumbs.

Louis' face broke into an even bigger smile and a giggle flew out of him.

"That I remember so well. I was so happy when I read that comment for the first time, you certainly made my heart smile,” whispered Louis, his eyes glittered like gems. Harry smiled back and kissed him again.

"Harry, can’t you sing for me?" murmured Louis when they broke the kiss, Harry heard he was tired and he was suffering from a lot of pain.

"Of course baby, what do you want me to sing?" Harry asked, however, he felt certain sadness. He had not sung in years, and he wondered if he really had his good tones left.

"Didn’t you write a song a while ago? I remember you told me at some point that you wrote a song?” Louis said tentative and looked at Harry with a tired eye.

Harry blushed slightly; he didn’t think Louis would remember that he had written a song, especially _that_ song. It was not finished yet, he had started writing it when he had just started talking to Louis, he was going to finish it to their wedding but when he sensed that the wedding would not take place, he had stopped writing on it.

"Well that's right. I actually started writing it when we just started talking. I was going to make it to our wedding. It's a song for you," Harry said smiling as he thought back to how he had struggled to get the right words down on the paper.

Louis looked wide-eyed and curious at Harry.

"To me? Oh...” he said in surprise, "Please sing for me,” he then asked, and Harry nodded, cleared his throat and took tone.

_Do not be afraid, I’m walking beside you.  
Come take my hand, I will hold you.  
Here in my arms, you get peace_

_I'll be by your side  
Because I love you, just the way you are  
and I want to give you everything I have  
Let me carry you when you are weak  
Because you mean everything to me_

_Do not be afraid, I’m walking beside you._

Harry stopped singing and looked softly at Louis who smiled like a sun despite all the pain that was in his eyes.

"I have no words, Harry, it is the most beautiful text I've ever heard... It fits us so well. Wow... You are so amazing and you sing so beautifully," Louis whispered breathlessly through his tears of happiness, he hugged Harry and Harry dug his fingers into the back of Louis wig while he snaked his free arm around Louis and held him close.

"I love you so," murmured Harry repeatedly and Louis responded the same over and over again until they finally fell asleep to the sound of each other's breathing.

-

Harry opened his eyes; it felt like the breath went out of him. Moonlight shone in through the window and bathed the room in silver tones; the clock could not be more than five in the morning. He yawned widely at Louis cool neck; he smacked his lips lightly and would just go back to sleep when he discovered that the bird inside Louis neck didn’t answer him with its rapid wing beats, there was no pulse. Harry heard his own pulse rushing in his ears and he felt an incurable sorrow flaring up within him as he turned to Louis stiff body. He moved away some of the wig’s hair that hid Louis' face with his fingers and looked at Louis' face. He looked peaceful, more peaceful than he had ever done when he slept, his lips were relaxed and his eyelids were closed over his eyes. The Louis Harry knew was just a shell, nothing more. Icy cold grabbed Harry's heart and shattered it into a million pieces, while grief ran up to him. A cry rushed up in his throat and he screamed.

"LOUIS NO! NO NO NO! LOUIS PLEASE! WAKE UP!" he screamed hysterically and shook Louis’ shoulders lightly to get him to wake up. He needs to wake up, he could not have fallen asleep already, he must open his eyes and smile at Harry with his beautiful smile, he must hear Louis beautiful voice again.

But Louis did not wake up, he lay still with his body stiff and heavy, it was Louis' body but Louis’ beings was not there anymore. Harry collapsed over Louis' body and cried horrifyingly at his chest while he punched Louis’ chest.

"You can’t leave me, you can’t leave me, we belong together you and me, can’t you see it? We are together! We'll spend a lifetime together! I will sing songs for you until you fall asleep, I'll sing until my voice cracks and you will smile at me and say how beautiful it sounds and how great I am and I'll kiss your lips and whisper how much I love you when you're sleeping and you’re going to move a little in your sleep and whining quietly as you always do when I'm talking to you when you sleep and when you wake up I'll greet you with a kiss and you'll laugh your wonderful laugh and smile at me, smiling like a sun as you always do when you see me. When I come home from work, then you’re going to sit in the kitchen with a cup of tea in your little hand and you will smile your sun-smile at me and laugh and ask "have it been good at work today Hazza?" and I'll nod and say "yes it was okay" and then I'll tell you how Alice has screwed up as usual and how Niall has avoided me and you will look sadly at me and say "sorry" because you think it's your fault that Niall is avoiding me when it’s not like that at all and I'll go up to you and sit squat in front of you and put my arms around you, pulling you next to my chest and whisper "it's not your fault," then I'll kiss you and you will kiss me back and I will ask what you want to do today and you will respond and we will spend the rest of the day with what you want to do and in the evening, Liam will come home to us as usual and give you your evening medication and you will be like that cute tired you always are, like that tired that your eyelids collapse and I'll take you to bed, undress you and lie down next to you and hold you and talk to you until you fall asleep! You CAN NOT LEAVE ME LOUIS! YOU CAN NOT! I will break apart without you!” Harry cried without stopping while all the time with Louis flashed in front of his retina.

The door was torn up, Liam came running and pulled hard for breath as he felt the mood in the room, he stepped up to Harry and took him in his arms, but Harry pulled away and held Louis tightly in his arms, he refused to let go and he just cried and cried, Paul came into the room and coaxed Louis from Harry's arms while Liam took a firm grip on Harry and pulled the two pieces of the puzzle apart, one was gone and one would never find its missing piece again.

-

Louis funeral was well attended, which did not surprise Harry; many had loved Louis both as a person, blogger and musician. The funeral took place at the lake where they had planned to have their wedding and Harry together with Louis family and Paul had adorned the place where the funeral was just as Louis had wanted the wedding to be adorned, with a vault made of intertwined white flowers over the coffin, the way to the coffin was adorned with white flowers and white benches facing the vault and the coffin. Many gave speeches for Louis and told how nice he was in every way, but no one knew about the Louis Harry had got to know and fell in love with, nobody knew about all his sunbeam shining pages that only Harry  had experienced.

Harry told the mourners that the time with Louis had been the best in his life, and that he was honored to have gotten to know him and be with him during the three months they spent together. He told them that the three months he had had with Louis had been like a song, in the beginning when he and Louis had just started talking, it had been the first verse, then when they first met and kissed the song had been transferred to the second verse and when they got engaged, they came to the chorus, and now at the end, they had come to the end of the song, the three months had been months of music. When he finished his speech, he went up to the coffin and stroked its surface lightly with his hand one last time before he was taken care of by Johanna who stood beside, crying. When all the guests had gone home and the coffin was in the grave, Harry and Louis’ family went home to Doncaster and Louis' childhood home in silence, Liam had said before they left that Harry could contact him as soon as he felt like it  but Harry didn’t know if he ever would ‘feel like it’ again. His life’s puzzle piece was gone and he was alone on life's stormy seas.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of Three months of music, I hope you liked my story!

"Harry, you don’t want to hang out tonight then? It will be fun! Like old times", said Niall positively across the phone line. It had been two months since Louis' death and funeral, and Harry had barely been outside during the two months that had passed. He still lived in their apartment and all of Louis things were still there, he hadn’t managed to pack anything yet even though it had been two months, Paul had moved from the apartment and if Harry had got it correctly, he was now working with someone else.

During the two months that had passed Niall had contacted Harry more often, he had tried everything to get Harry to go out and socialize, he had lured with travel, food, excursions, cinema and experiences, but Harry had declined every one of the suggestions. There was nothing he wanted to do more, nothing at all. He walked in a fog that just got thicker and thicker by every day that passed by. The only thing he was doing after Louis' death was to lie in bed with Louis’ old clothes pressed against his nose while he sang the song he wrote to Louis over and over again until the day became dark and the night took over. When night fell, Harry started to scream of grief until his voice broke when his voice cracked, he always cried himself to sleep and slept a long time the next day, and every day, everything started over. He did barely eat and drank only occasionally. Liam had also phoned him and asked if he wanted to come over for dinner or do different kind of things but Harry had refused all proposals and invitations. His bird had flown away and could never be found again.

"No, I don’t want to go out tonight. Goodbye.” Harry hung up the call and threw away the phone; it slid across the bed and onto the floor. Harry squeezed Louis’ purple shirt harder to his chest and started singing the song on repeat until darkness overtook the room, he began yell and punch the bed until his voice was so hoarse that it wasn’t heard anymore, he started crying and fell asleep with a splitting headache and an open hole in the chest, a hole that would never heal.

He woke up the next morning with the sun piercing his eyes and a new idea formed in his head.  
 _Waste your head off, that's all you're worth_ , talked the idea to him, and Harry nodded. _I'm just a shattered piece and pieces are not worth much without a whole._

He got up out of bed with Louis’ shirt still pressed against his chest and went with trembling steps out of the bedroom, the sun blinded him when he came out of the room, he had not left the room in a few days, he could smell the stench that came from him, but he did not care about it. He staggered into the bathroom and was met by someone in the mirror he did not recognize, it was a bearded, long-haired emaciated and ugly man who stared back at him in the mirror. He waved to the man and tried to smile, but the smile looked just like an evil grin from a drunk, he hit the mirror hard with his knuckles, the glass shattered into a thousand pieces and a few chips went into the skin, blood came out of the small injuries and Harry looked at the red liquid, it was the first color he had seen in a long while. He hardly felt the pain pounding in his hand, it was nothing compared to the pain he felt in his soul. He turned his gaze to the man who looked at him through the shattered mirror.  
 _Now you are a shattered piece just like me, you ugly_ , he thought, and smirked to himself before he accomplished his needs, he returned to the bedroom with Louis shirt hanging on the shoulder and pulled on a pair of jeans and a black sweater, both garments were too big for him, he probably looked like a sack but he did not care about it. He looked at his still bleeding hand and grinned at broken glass that was wedged inside the knuckles.

_You deserve this, you couldn’t save him,_ mumbled an evil voice to him and he nodded, agreed with the voice. He deserved all the shit he had now; he had not been able to save Louis so it was right for him to have it like this now.

Harry dragged himself into the kitchen and looked at the clock that sat above the stove; it was five in the afternoon.  
 _Good, then I'm getting drunk_ , he thought approvingly and hoped fervently that the alcohol would ease his pain. He decided to go to the nearest pub for fear to meet Niall at The Burned Goose.

-

"Thanks, keep the change," said Harry with a sluggish voice to the bartender even though he was paying with his card, he was so drunk he could barely pay properly, he fumbled with the bank card and broke almost broke it when he pressed it into the card reader. The bartender looked anxiously at him while he waited for Harry to enter the code, when the payment was completed Harry got up from the bar stool just to fall back on the floor, his whole was world spinning and the nausea rose in his throat. He rose unsteadily from the floor and staggered out of the pub with all eyes on him. He staggered out onto the sidewalk and looked around, he saw a blurred, blond coming towards him but could not remember who it belonged to, and he didn’t care. He pushed his way through the crowd of people who smoked and fumbled into the street, the last thing he heard before he was hit by a car was Nialls screaming voice.

-

"Harry, will you? It's time." Louis smiled lovingly at Harry as he sat in his wheelchair, dressed in his gray beanie, purple slinky shirt and gray sweatpants; his ring adorned hand was outstretched. Harry smiled happily at him and took his hand.

"I'm ready," he said smiling and kissed Louis' cheek lovingly before he grabbed hold of the wheelchair handles and started to drive Louis out of the apartment and onto the streets of London. The sun shone in the sky and the birds flew happily around in the air, a clean welcome of the spring’s arrival.

Harry ran with Louis along Oxford Street and towards Hyde Park and Kensington Gardens, they stayed at the Serpentine Bridge, Harry lifted Louis out of the wheelchair and put him down in the soft grass, they rolled around like little children before they stopped and lay beside each other laughing and strained with their eyes fixed on one another's eyes. Harry closed his hand around Louis’ and beamed and Louis smiled equally beaming back.

"It’s spring Louis!" Harry laughed happily and put himself over Louis and gave his lips a quick kiss. Louis laughed heartily and nodded, his blue eyes sparkled like the sea in the sunlight.

"It’s spring Harry!" he mimicked and Harry burst into laughter before he cuddled himself in Louis neck and greeted the bird, then tickled his neck with his eyes lashes until Louis could barely breathe of laughter.

"Do you give up?" Harry laughed happily and Louis howled one "yes!" Harry rolled off him and lay down beside him instead. Louis turned his face towards him and smiled so big that his crinkles formed by the end of his eyes. Harry touched them with his fingertips.

"I love that smile, it's so beautiful. I love your laugh lines," he whispered lovingly and took Louis' hand and kissed all his fingers tenderly. Louis' eyes sparkled with happiness, he beamed even more and grabbed Harry’s curls and kissed him deeply.

"And I love you!"

Harry giggled like a teenage girl in love and attacked Louis neck with his teeth which caused Louis to howl in laughter and shock, his laughter was contagious, eventually Harry lay with his face buried in the grass next to Louis neck, still laughing. Louis laughed until he got a stomach ache.

"You make me so happy Harry," said Louis breathlessly and looked into Harry's green forests eyes, Harry smiled back and looked into Louis’ sea, he stroked away a strand of hair and kissed Louis nose tip.

"And you make me so happy Louis."

Louis smiled, beaming, his white teeth gleamed in the sunlight and his eyes shimmered like stars, he had never seen as alive as he did now. Suddenly he got something dark in his eyes.

"You would never leave me, would you?" he asked seriously, frowning and serious gaze.

Harry laughed, and then shook his head firmly.

"I will never leave you Louis. You are my whole world, you're the air I breathe, you're my heart’s beats, you're my energy, my fire, my sky, my moon, my sun and my roof. I will never leave you." Harry stroked his fingers across his cheekbones and gave him a kiss full of love and promises.

"And you're all that for me too, you are my whole universe," Louis smiled after the kiss and Harry pulled him into a fierce hug, he would never let go of him again.

_-_

_Nialls perspective_

It's been a year now Harry, 365 days to be exact. Spring, summer, autumn and winter has passed, the birds have moved from their nests to warmer places, but you still have not woken Harry. I have sat by your side every day, every hour, every minute and every second and waiting for you to wake up. I've waited and waited, I've talked to your parents and family, I've talked with Paul, Liam and Louis’ family, they have been here and met you, talked to you and touched you, they have told us things about Louis I didn’t know, they told me how you helped Louis when he was going through his most difficult time and how happy you were together. I never saw that side of you, and I'm so sorry that I could not experience it with you, you really fit so well together and I'm sorry that I behaved as I did. I'm sorry Harry; I hope you can forgive me.

When Louis's mother Johanna was here I thought you were about to wake up, she held your hand so softly and talked about when Louis was a kid and all his antics he had. She told me that he had had a "Grease" play at school and how proud she had been when she had seen him act on stage. I could see her pride shining in her eyes, I could see her love for Louis, it was almost as if I could take touch it. When she talked about Louis, you started to move cautiously and one of your doctors looked at your brain activity and said that you were incredibly close to awakening, but then there was something that stopped you from waking up. What it was, I do not know, but it seems to hold you up, it seems to keep you in a stranglehold that you do not want to let go of. Maybe it's just me who think that it is like that, but I do not think so. Liam was here just the other day, he was sitting by your side, stroking your hair gently and told me how you had reacted when Louis was gone and my heart broke when he told me how you screamed. I have never experienced such grief before so I cannot imagine how it must have felt for you when you felt your loves stiff body beside you. I'm so sorry you had to experience it, Harry, if I had been stronger and a better person and friend, I would have come to you at once, I hope you know that, somewhere deep inside. But to get back to what I would say, I do not think I'm the only one who believes that there is something in your mind that keeps you in a coma, I think Liam also believe it, I saw it in his eyes. He smiled at me before he left, it was like a carefree smile and his eyes glittered in a certain way that told me that he thought you were happier where you are now than you would be if you woke up. I told the doctor this morning and he said it probably is like that, in some cases, when you go through a horrible event that may shut the brain down as well as completely and takes the patient to a place where everything is much better than in the real world. In your case, your brain shut down partially because you were so injured in the car accident and then because you went through such a difficult event when the accident occurred.

You know, Harry, I really tried to get you to do things with me because I wanted you to recover, but so many people said to me earlier that the patient must want help in order to receive help and I do not think you wanted to be helped. I think you wanted what you had because you mourned, you mourned so deeply and sincerely, and you did not know what to do with your grief. I could almost touch it when we talked on the phone; it was so hard for me to hear you so sad. I really wanted to help you through it, which all of us wanted but in the end I think that the only thing that could help you come over your grief is Louis himself. You might be with him now? Maybe that's what keeps you in your mind, the illusion that you are with Louis and that's fine and good in its own way, but we miss you here, Harry, we miss you in here, in real life, but it does not seem that you want to come back to us.

Your doctor came in a while ago and left a message to me, a message that will change your whole life. The news was that I, your mother and your sisters, Liam and Paul should use passive euthanasia which means that we will pull the plug to your respirator so that you can disappear. Since it has gone such a long time and because you have not responded to any of the investigations carried out, so you family have decided to let you sleep for real.

It feels heavy, of course, but I cannot stop me from feeling that you will probably be better off now when we have pulled the plug, then maybe you will end up with Louis for real. I'll miss you Harry and I am so happy for the years we had together, but it's time to say goodbye now. I love you Harry and forgive me, forgive me for everything I did wrong. I hope you will be in a better place now.

\- Niall


End file.
